Convicted, etc

There's a lot going around in my head lately.  This is a no edit zone.  I'm going just start typing what ever by brain sends to my fingers.  Look out.  Where to begin?


I want to start with conviction.  I have been confronted with God's word, and with wisdom from other people about a lot of things over the last week or two.  It's been good.  I have started to focus on the verse that says,
delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.  That is so powerful.  There are things in my life that I want.  Some of those things are self centered and some are very important, but the fact remains, I have been seeking them before I have been seeking to delight myself in the Lord.  This is where my thought process gets messy, or human.  I wanted to twist God's word around to say, if I seek God first, he will give me all those other things I want.  And I believe that is taking God's word out of context.  I am aware of Matthew 6:33, but within a larger context it is about God meeting our needs, not being a genie that grants us wishes.


And here's where things start to get really messed up.  I want something.  Something that I am not sure how to get.  And basically because I don't know how to go about it, or it hasn't worked out the way I would like it, I started to think that maybe if I started to focus on God, He would give me the thing I want.  Then I started to think that maybe, if I focused on God, I wouldn't want that other thing as much, and because I didn't really want that thing as much God would give it to me.  Ya, that's just as bad as the first thought.  


I finally decided I have no idea what I am doing, so I am going to focus on God.  Period.  I may never get what I want, but I already have God.  If that is all I have the rest of my life I will be content.  I will delight myself in the Lord.  As I do, I know the desires of my heart will change.  Who knows what I will really want by then anyway.  I suppose God, and he will be the one to grant me those things or not.  Somehow, I feel this is closer to the truth of the scripture.  And I have to be honest, I still want that thing, but I have turned it over to God now.  It is scary.  I may never get it.  That is hard for me to accept.  All I can be is who God wants me to be, and all I will seek is God.  You don't know how hard it is for me to say that.  Being myself is what I struggled with most of my life and seeking God first is the opposite of how I achieved a lot of things in my life.  This is all backwards to me.  


What else have I been convicted about?  Let's see.  I have been convicted about how I care for the needy.  Jesus said whatever I do for the least of these I did for him.  And I can't say I've done a whole lot for Jesus in my life.  It frustrates me because I have the ability to do more than I have.  But I am starting.  I have recently started fostering a child through Compassion Canada.  You need to as well.  There's no reason any person reading this cannot do the same.  I mean it.  No reason whatsoever.  I said previously that sometimes I am scared to open up a little bit and care for the world because I feel like I would be overwhelmed by the pain in the world.  Sometime between then and now I feel like God has been telling me to man up.  I just may get washed away by the sorrow and pain, but I just may make a difference in someone's life too.  If I'm going to err, it is going to be on the side that allows Jesus to be reflected through me.  I feel convicted for not showing enough compassion to others.  I feel convicted for not showing enough grace.  I feel convicted for not sharing my faith with others.  That is so difficult for me.  Being the person I am, the last thing I feel comfortable with is talking with people I don't know very well about something that may cause me to be rejected.  Stupid SAD.  I have been feeling convicted as I read sections from What's So Amazing About Grace.  I'm going to have to read the whole thing now.  I have been feeling convicted about how little I read the bible.  That is changing now.  I am starting with the book of John.  I am getting re-introduced to my Savior.  


As long as I'm typing like crazy what else can I confess?  I like ACDC.  I bought clothes to impress a girl.  I am so drastically different than 6 months ago.  Thank you Jesus.  I can't tie a full Windsor knot.  I wish I could be an extrovert.  Life would be so much easier.  I am going to make myself go skiing this year, to force myself out of this comfortable rut.  My happiest times right now are at C&C on Thursdays and the Prayer Meeting Friday mornings.  I struggle to be myself 100% around other people, but I'm getting better.  I want to be the person God wants me to be.  I really want a new car.  I love my job.  I want to be in love one day.  I still don't feel like I've found the place where I "fit" yet.  I get Christmas off for the first time in 5 years.


I think my brain is on empty.  I'm done.  My next posts will be thought out and edited.  I promise.