Sunday, December 30, 2012

Proverbs XIV

Truth is not decided by the number of people subscribing to it. Whether or not certain ideas are “out of the mainstream” is besides the point. A correct conclusion is also not necessarily reached by embracing some middle ground between two opposing viewpoints either. Assuming one view point was correct, the compromised conclusion is not.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012


Isaiah (700 BC) and Paul (65 AD) talk about the significance of Jesus.

The people walking in darkness
    have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of deep darkness
    a light has dawned.
You have enlarged the nation
    and increased their joy;
they rejoice before you
    as people rejoice at the harvest,
as warriors rejoice
    when dividing the plunder.
For as in the day of Midian’s defeat,
    you have shattered
the yoke that burdens them,
    the bar across their shoulders,
    the rod of their oppressor.
Every warrior’s boot used in battle
    and every garment rolled in blood
will be destined for burning,
    will be fuel for the fire.
For to us a child is born,
    to us a son is given,
    and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
    Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
    Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the greatness of his government and peace
    there will be no end.
He will reign on David’s throne
    and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
    with justice and righteousness
    from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the Lord Almighty
    will accomplish this.

For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross. Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation.

Friday, December 21, 2012

The Longest Night

Dear Diary,

Today is my favourite day of the year. Winter Solstice. I'm sure that doesn't make sense to most people but for me it marks a turning point every year. Today is the day with the least amount of light all year, which also makes it the day with the longest night too. From this point on, for the next 6 months or so, every day will get a little longer. Every night will get a little shorter. And that's why it's my favourite day of the year.

Not much has been going on in my life lately, a few Christmas parties, confirmation from work that I'm getting a new position with a much better schedule, and a few new video games.

I've had a few tiny blessings and opportunities come along. I've rewired an oven and did some minor plumbing and all without destroying anything. I'm rather proud of myself. I received a large gift of very expensive chocolates from some of my clients. It made my day. Usually it's the business owner giving gifts to the clients to keep them loyal (an altruistic "gift" of self promotion).  However this honestly made my day, for my clients to tell me I've treated them so well they wanted to return the favour. I finished all my shopping a week ago. I have no need to step inside a store for anything until next year. Thank goodness. The stores are crazy.

Sometime between now and Christmas I plan on watching one of my favourite Christmas movies, A Muppet Christmas Carol. It's funny and heart warming and, although I'm not a huge fan of musicals, the songs are amazing and get stuck in your head for days afterward. And maybe I'll watch my second favourite Christmas movie too. Die Hard.


Saturday, December 15, 2012

Proverbs XIII

I'm not usually a poster of quotes but this one resonated with me.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
- Theodore Roosevelt

There's nothing sadder than a life not lived.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Ugly Babies

Disclaimer: I'm not talking about any babies in particular.

So, what do you do if someone has an ugly baby? Do you tell that person? Do you ignore the obvious? What if they ask you how cute little "Junior" or "Princess" is? Change the subject? It's a very difficult situation. Maybe you just ignore the question and hope it doesn't come up again. What if they don't ask you? Do you offer them the unsolicited truth that their baby is ugly? Maybe what they're saying isn't really what they're asking and so your reply could be an answer to what they really mean, not the actual words they said. Maybe when they asked you if you thought little "Precious" was cute what they really meant was do you think I'll be a good parent? You could honestly reply in the affirmative without hurting anyone's feelings, and you would have answered the question they were really asking in the first place. Unless of course they meant what they said and now you're a liar. Or you could do the obsfucation method and reply in a way that makes the asker think you've answered the question while really avoiding the question all together. "You must think you have the most beautiful baby in the world," you reply. Now everyone is happy but the truth remains hidden.

This entry is not really about ugly babies but unsolicited (and sometimes unwanted) truth. In Ephesians 4:15 Paul off-handedly refers to speaking the truth in love. I think it is a valuable lesson. Sometimes the truth is unsolicited and can be hurtful if it isn't shared in a caring way. Sometimes it is hurtful even when it is shared in a caring way. Does that mean it's best not to share the truth, sugar coat the truth, twist the truth, or just "Give 'em what they want," even if it's a lie? Maybe you could obsfucate and leave everyone happy but ignorant?

It's the Ugly Baby Dilemma. I think I just coined that phrase.

I'll stop going down this thought tunnel right now but it is something I've been thinking about for a while. There's a lot of unsolicited thoughts in my head that I think are probably true, but not necessarily popular.

I came across a saying a long time ago. All truth belongs to God. I am not 100% sure who said it but I like it. I'm not afraid to search for any truth because whatever is true is simply a fact about creation which was created by our Creator.

Every once in a while I think a series of blog posts will go in one direction or another. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. I'm not sure what the next series of posts will be about, but I do think it will be interesting.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Proverbs XII

If good things come to those who wait,
procrastination is a virtue.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I'm Awesome

Number 1

I am confident.

That was not always the case. I was a very timid kid growing up. I did not want to venture out of my comfort zone or take any risks. Somewhere between then and now things changed. I think graduating and going to bible college was the catalyst. Either way, my confidence in myself has allowed me to do a lot of things most people would not even consider, or consider stupid.

I ran for city council when I was 22 years old. I didn't win but I believe I had a legitimate shot. I went door to door campaigning, had signs up on people's lawns, did interviews with the city newspaper, had volunteers deliver fliers and received cash donations. Although I didn't win I still received more votes than two other individuals I was running against. Fresh Perspective, New Ideas. That was my slogan. I still have a few signs as souvenirs.

I became a logistics co-ordinator for the Canadian Special Olympics when I was 23. My brother and I decided to volunteer and somehow we got the keys to the warehouse, access to vehicles, and off we went. I never had that little nagging voice inside my head telling me I was too young or inexperienced to take on this role. I dived right in and did it, and everything ran smoothly. I never once thought that I couldn't do it.

I started my first business when I was 25. I was still in university at the time. I had 7 employees. I was responsible for payroll, scheduling, advertising, hiring and firing. Ultimately I disbanned it, although it did pay the bills while it was in operation, it was never really a success. I trained a select few of my employees how to run a similar business and they started their own once I shut down. It taught me a lot of great things about advertising, working with the public and profitability. It also taught me to love what you do, or don't do it. I really liked the business aspect of the company but didn't like the service we provided. My heart wasn't in it. I took what I learned and transposed it into the side venture I have running now. My overhead is low, cash flow is up and I really like what I do which doesn't make it seem like work at all. Not just anyone would take a chance and put everything on the line to do what I do now. I was confident that I could take even my unsuccessful ventures and parlay them into a successful business because I was confident in my ability to succeed.

I committed myself to run a marathon at age 27 without any prior experience in endurance sports. Up to that point I had never had any experience in long distance running. I even had a breathing condition that manifested itself in a way similar to asthma but I was confident I could overcome any obstacle in my way. Three months later, I ran two marathons a week apart.

I am a pilot. There is a certain type of personality that finds it's way into aviation. Although many different people are pilots, it is a profession requiring mental fortitude and only those who are confident in themselves stick it out beyond the first few years. Every day I am responsible for my own life and the lives of my passengers as I travel half the speed of sound, 25 000 feet above the earth. I have to be confident in my abilities or I could not do this. I left half way through a university degree to pursue a career as a pilot. I never looked back. I knew it was what I wanted to do, and I did it. I had no doubt that I could be successful in this profession. I achieved a childhood dream most people would consider out of reach. And I reached it.

I am confident.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

I'm Awesome II

Number 2

I am physically active, physically fit, and (when sufficiently motivated) have endless amounts of energy. I like doing things. And I have the strength, energy and ability to do those things. It's great to not have options unavailable to me because of physical limitations. A couple years ago I taught myself to snowboard. Six months ago I took scuba diving lessons and 2 months ago I dived the Great Barrier Reef. Next year I am planning on doing the Iron Man triathlon. It involves a 3.8 km swim, 180 km bike ride and 42 km run. I've been white water rafting, kayaking, skydiving, bungy jumping, skateboarding, paragliding, zip lining, wall climbing and who knows what else. I also work a lot with kids and it helps to be able to keep up with them. I hope to keep this pace up for the foreseeable future.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I'm Awesome III

Number 3

I am young at heart. That is different than immature, although I'm sure I have my moments. I like to seize the day. I like to have fun. I look to the bright side of life. I see the silver lining. I am a generally happy, positive, upbeat person. I am childlike, not childish. I like seeing the positive in opportunities. I like the wonder of discovering something for the first time. That's who I am. That was who I was 10 years ago. It is who I will be 40 years from now.

I have seen bitter people grow old. It's sad. I never want to become the cranky old guy.

Now excuse me while I work on my crazy mad yo-yo skills.

Young at heart.

Monday, November 26, 2012

I'm Awesome IV

Number 4

I am caring.

I know I don't always wear my heart on my sleeve but I am a caring person. The people and things I care about, I care about deeply. More than just the usual puppies and babies and  issues du jour, there are things that mean a lot to me and people too. The people I care about, I make time for. The things I care about, I give my time and attention to. I am still learning how best to show I care and that has been a slow process for me but it has been a growing process too.


Sunday, November 25, 2012

I'm Awesome V

Number 5

I am loyal.

Um, can't really expand on that. It's pretty self explanatory.

When I hear stories of people lying to each other or cheating on each other I can't comprehend it.
I don't understand how anyone can be like that. It's just not who I am.

So there.


Saturday, November 24, 2012

I'm Awesome VI

Number 6

I am financially prudent. That's the fancy way of saying I'm a little frugal or cheap. Not totally, just a little. I don't believe in wasting money. I find it hard to splurge on useless things and I tend to be very practical with my money. Why spend $XXXX on Y when I could spend $XX on Z which does the exact same thing? The great thing about being financially prudent is that because I save nickels and dimes here and there, when a major financial obligation makes itself known my budget is not derailed. I don't have a problem spending a lot on things that are worth a lot but if I have a cheaper option that is usually the way I'll go. This allows me to avoid so many financial headaches that I've seen other people encounter in their lives. I'm sure my childhood has influenced me in this area. I know there were times growing up where we could either eat or see movie... New shoes or books for school... Getting one meant not having the other. I don't want my life to be dictated to me by financial obligations and obstacles. Neither a lender, nor a borrower be. The borrow becomes the lender's slave. (So sayeth Shakespeare and Proverbs.) I am the master of my financial domain and that is by intention.

A perfect example of this is my recent Australian vacation. For instance, I went to see the opera, Madama Butterfly, at the Sydney Opera house. It was expensive but I bought some of the cheaper tickets. I could have easily spent three times as much, and I could have afforded it, but couldn't justify it. I had no trouble paying what I did for the show because it was a unique opportunity and my finances didn't play a deciding role in my chance to experience this slice of life. Having said all that, the idea of an Australian vacation may seem rather opulent, but I only paid $153.42 for my round trip flights. That gave me a lot of financial wiggle room to do all the things I did while there. Anyway, that vacation is a good illustration of what I mean by financially prudent. Cheap when I can be, and decadent when the situation calls for it.

Financially Prudent

Friday, November 23, 2012

I'm Awesome VII

Number 7

I'm musical. I can't sing. I can't dance. But I love music. Guitar is my instrument but I fool around on drums and piano. And I like to try my hand at different instruments if I get a chance. A little country gospel on the banjo or a little Final Countdown on the accordion. It's all good. I have a song in my heart, on my mind, on the radio and on my ipod. Music is an important part of my life. I'm trying to think of a positive way to spin this... This makes me awesome because... I can serenade you at the drop of a hat.


Thursday, November 22, 2012

I'm Awesome VIII

Number 8

I'm smart (-ish). I know it sounds arrogant to say that so I'll elaborate. I'm not really a genius in any one area, but I know a lot about a lot of different things. I like to be informed. I like to learn. If I don't know something that has an application in my life, I will go learn it. My strengths tend to include math and math related areas of knowledge while my weaknesses are pretty much anything to do with social relationships, but overall I'm rather intelligent. Other areas of interest include politics, music, movies, video games, economics, business, history, and the sciences. If you get me started talking about one of those areas I could go on for quite a while. And maybe I should also qualify "smart" by saying I believe it includes the ability to learn. I know there are things I know nothing about. However, if the need ever arose, I know I could learn about such things and even master those things if I so desired. It's merely a matter of time and motivation.

Seven more to go.

I am so smart. S-M-R-T.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I'm Awesome IX

Number 9

I'm funny. I know "funny" can be rather subjective. There are different kinds of humour and what some people find funny, others may not. However, to the best of my recollection, I don't know of a single person who has spent even a marginal amount of time in my life that I haven't made laugh at some point. Teachers, classmates, students, friends, family, and co-workers. So, being strictly scientific, and quantitative, based on all my empirical observations, I conclude I am funny. I tend to fall on the sarcastic side of "funny" but that's still humour so I'll run with it. Now that I think of it, I've even made myself laugh. I'm hilarious.

Another one down, eight more to go.


Monday, November 19, 2012


I became an uncle last night. I'm sure this comes as a shock to my parents and my only brother.

My oldest friend just had her baby. Even though we're not related we've shared a lot of life events together and we probably know more about each other than most of our respective families do. So, she's kinda like my sister, even though there is no biological connection between us. And that makes her son my nephew. That makes me an uncle. I'm being serious when I say I really do feel connected to this little guy. I really do feel like an uncle. It's strange how these relationships come about. I know I am not related to him, but I am his uncle.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

I'm Awesome X

To begin, I just want to say I'm not really an arrogant kind of guy. I came up with the idea of writing about some of my positive traits a while ago, when considering what I should share about myself. It's not that easy. And I may have been a little overconfident labelling this post X (#10), because I'll have to think of 9 other things to write about. Anyway, I suppose this is a good exercise. It's so easy to think of your negatives but so difficult to think of your positives. Here's more about me you may not know, but I'd like to think you'd like about me.

Number 10

I'm generous. Not that'd you know it from this blog. I don't usually write about that kind of thing. I'm generous with my time and my money. It's not that I just go giving it away. I look for areas in need, and then I try to fill that need. If you're a friend of mine who's doing well in the finance department I probably won't offer to buy you a cup of coffee and so you may not know I'm generous in that way. However, if you're going on a missions trip, and sold all your worldly goods to fund it, and need a little extra to get on your way, I will fill the gap. If you need a hand with something or a person to just "be there" I will do that too. Once again, I try to fill the needs of others, not merely their wants, so you may never see me in this role.

There you go. One down, nine more to go.


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The Weekend and I

It was a good weekend.

I started it off by attending a women's conference. I was one of about 15 guys among hundreds of women. It reminds me of one of my favourite Haikus, Odds In My Favour. In all seriousness, I was allowed to attend the opening evening. It was good. I met some new people. But most importantly, I was myself, no telephone voice.

Church was good. I ran into a lot of people I haven't seen in a while. Some asked me when I was returning to C&C and others asked me to return to C&C.

I also went sledding with friends after a snowstorm passed through the city. It was fun. And painful. I'm sure I'm still sore from the weekend. And I met a few more people. It was good. Also, no telephone voice. We hung out the rest of the night drinking hot chocolate.

All things considered, it was a great weekend.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Ok Go

Ok Go is an interesting band. They write a lot of catchy little songs, had a few selected for the Guitar Hero video games, appeared on Sesame Street, The Muppet Show and made an appearance in the Docu-movie The Greatest Story Ever Sold by Morgan Spurlock (of Super Size Me fame). The band gained prominence because of a short 3 minute video they made and released on youtube for their song Here It Goes Again. Although the band has released a lot of "normal" music videos as well, I thought I would put together a collection of their more unique and visually interesting videos for your viewing pleasure

Here It Goes Again

A Million Ways To Be Cruel

Do What You Want

White Knuckles


End Love

This Too Shall Pass (Single Shot Band Version)

This Too Shall Pass (Single Shot Rube Goldberg Version)

Muppet Show

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Telephone Voice

I remember once when I was younger my brother and I causing trouble. We were probably fighting or some other thing brothers do. Dad caught us and stared yelling at us. Suddenly the phone rang and interrupted our Mexican Stand Off. Dad continued to yell at as he walked to the phone and answered it. Instantly his voice changed from his "I'm angry and I'm yelling at you," voice to his "telephone" voice.

You know the "telephone voice" you use on the telephone? Be honest. You do. It's that almost too happy, agreeable, joyous, cookie cutter, customer service voice we all have when we answer the phone.

I found dad's instant transformation from Harbinger of Doom to Barney the Dinosaur hilarious. I'm not really sure what happened after the phone call but I do remember whatever the situation was before, it ended after the phone call because I was so busy laughing everything took care of itself. It's hard to punish a kids who's rolling on the floor in fits of laughter.

Anyway, the reason I tell this story is to illustrate the principle of "telephone voice". It's some sort of socially acceptable front we put on for the world to see that doesn't necessarily reflect the truth of what's happening deep down inside.  I have a "telephone voice." I also have a "public personality". That's the same principle as "telephone voice" except it's the me I put on to show the world. I usually default into this person when I'm around strangers. Once I feel comfortable enough around someone, I slowly drop the act. Very slowly. And it takes me a long time before I feel comfortable enough around someone to reach that point. I've written previously about wearing masks and about letting my true self rise to the surface like a submerged iceberg rising in the water. It's still an ongoing process. It's interesting to me because there are people I've known for a couple years that I am just now allowing to see the real me. It's been a long process. I've thought a lot about why I have taken so long to truly be me. I think in some ways I'm still cautious about exposing the real me and being rejected. Even still I don't know why it takes me so long to reach this point. In the previous post I wrote about my time at bible college where I just gave up on the "telephone voice" and started being myself, regardless of the perceived consequences I thought I would encounter. And it all turned out well.

This is a meandering and convoluted post, I know. What triggered it was my decision to just be myself. It's too exhausting being someone I'm not. Last night I hung out with a few people from C&C who I did not know at all. That would have traditionally been a prime situation for me to go into "telephone voice" mode. But I didn't. I was me. Intentionally. With effort. I was myself. And it was good. Why should I think it would be anything else? Any way, this was a lot of words just to say I'm actively working at being my true self, who I really am, in all situations, regardless of how I "feel" at the time. I'm not going to go around sharing the most intimate parts of who I am, but I am not going to hide my essence either. I'm just going to be me and see where the chips lie.

Once again, life gets a little more real. I think this will be a good thing.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

History Repeats Itself

The year I left home and went away to bible college was the best year and the worst year of my life. At first I felt extremely lonely. As an introvert it takes a lot to make me feel that way, but feel that way I did. I saw everyone else making connections, making friends, forming relationships and I was alone, in my dorm room, unable to comprehend how all these strangers could bond so instantly. Even to this day I struggle to form those types of connections. After half a year of being alone, I snapped. I remember the moment it happened, shortly after our Christmas break. 

I confessed to my small group that I had not been "me" the first half of the year. I kept my true self hidden. I may have been physically present but I was not really "there". They couldn't believe it. They thought they knew me but they had no idea who I really was. It's sad because the small group members were the people who knew you best and they didn't know me at all. The other 80 or so students outside my small group knew me even less. And at that moment I allowed my true self to be known. I didn't do anything crazy, I just finally started acting like me in front of other people. It was difficult at first. I remember asking my small group and a few other dorm guys specifically for help. I told them that left to my own devices I would retreat into my room and isolate myself. I asked them to drag me out of my room and involve me in activities around the school. I told them if I ever seem to get quiet or stop contributing to a group dynamic, call me on it, and ask me if I am being myself. They did. And I did. Soon after I stood up in front of all my classmates one morning and asked them to help me with my struggle. They did. Everyone made an effort to involve me in things and people would randomly remind me to be myself around them. My life really did change in that second semester. 

I have written a lot about my struggle with Social Anxiety Disorder early on in this blog. The second semester was a giant step in me overcoming it. I was myself the second half of the year, with great intentionality and a little fear. But I was not rejected. I can't say everyone became my friend. This is real life and that just doesn't happen, but some people became my friends and that was more than I could have dreamed of in the first semester. By the second semester I was on the volley ball and basketball teams, the drama team, the puppeteer team, the dance team, (I hate dancing, but I really want to dance. Paradox.) the stage director, playing guitar during worship, involved in every extra-curricular activity and course, wrote and performed an original song for our graduation and I even started dating a girl. The reason I'm telling this story is that I see a lot of parallels between my year at bible college and the last 2 years of my life. My blog began around then and became a sort of documentary of the journey I've been on. College and Career is behind me now for a couple reasons. I've "graduated". And now I'm here... wondering what's next. I regressed a little after bible college. I don't want that to happen again.

Speaking of being myself, that has always been the point of this blog. That and allowing you a chance to get to know who I am. So, I need to make a little confession. I haven't totally been myself. I haven't been deceitful, I have just ignored certain parts of my life and so I haven't given you the complete picture. I've focussed a lot on my thoughts, and particularly on the issues I've struggled with or things I have to put a lot of effort into overcoming. I haven't really focussed on my strengths or interests too much. I think I'm going to try that the next little while. I've heard people can usually think of 10 negatives for every positive about themselves. I'm going to try and tweak that ratio a bit.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Old Friends

I recently met up with friends from a long time ago. I haven't seen them in years. We used to be neighbours in the Great White North of Canada until they moved to the other side of the country. Recently, they have moved again, to my home town. It was so good to see them again. We will be working together. It's amazing how the paths of our lives can meander and turn in ways no one expects. I never thought I'd see them again, and just yesterday I was giving them a hug. It was a good day.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Happy Anniversary

Two years ago today I started this blog.
It was one of many changes I was making in my life at the time.
It became a public record of the intentional effort I was making to break through old barriers from my past and forge a new path for my life. Reading through previous entries, it really is cool to see where I've come from and get a sense of where I'm going. Yay, me!
I never thought I had this much to say.
In fact, I thought I would burn out after the first month or two.
I get the sense that the last two years of my life are a complete chapter.
I suppose that means a new chapter is starting in my life.
The story will continue.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

The Couch

When I was 12 I started sporadically attending my church's youth group. I didn't really want to but it was expected that once you reach grade 7 you attend. Growing up in the church that I did, there was almost no one the same age as me to connect with. For most of my youth I was the only kid my age. There was no one within 2 years of me, older or younger. That changed occasionally. Eventually by high school there was one or two people my age.  However, back in my first year of junior high, I was pretty much by myself. Back then our youth  group was junior and senior high combined. It was run by the bible college students that attended the school associated with our denomination. I was always intimidated by them. They were older, and strange, and I didn't understand them at all. Mom made arrangements for the students to pick me up on the way to youth group and then drop me off again after it was over. I dutifully attended, but I did not want to. All the youth in my youth group were older than me. They were all friends with each other, and in some situations related to each other. Then there was me. I was different in pretty much every way possible. Emphasizing the difference was the fact that most of the bible college students themselves were only a year or two older than the high school students. They all seemed to connect with each other and I was the odd kid in the corner that no one knew what to do with.

One night, for reasons I no longer remember, I hid behind one of the couches in the youth room as we got started. We spent the entire evening in that room visiting, playing games, and doing a devotional. Everyone except me. I was behind the couch listening to the goings on. And no one noticed I was missing. Not even our "leaders" who drove to my house to pick me up and bring me to youth group. I remember thinking shortly after I hid behind the couch that this would be funny. Eventually they would realize I was gone and I would jump out and surprise them. I tried to think of what I should say. Was "Boo!" too cliched? Eventually my enthusiasm began to fade. No one noticed I was missing. No one cared that I wasn't there any more. My life was so isolated I could disappear right in the middle of youth group and it would not affect a single person in the room. That hurt. I spent the whole evening behind the couch waiting for them to notice my absence. They never did. Eventually the night came to an end and people started going home. I stayed behind the couch. I was very sad by this point. I had a little bit of a George Bailey moment (from Its a Wonderful Life) only to realize that I could completely disappear from the face of the earth and no one would notice. That's how I felt at that moment. I decided to wait. I wanted to see if I was so inconsequential that the very people charged with watching me and giving me a ride back home could actually forget about me completely. The lights turned off. The footsteps went downstairs. I heard the doors lock. Silence. Then I heard a voice ask if anyone had seen me. That was as far as I needed to take it. I ran to the exit, hopped in the van with the students, and they took me home. No one mentioned the fact that I had seemingly disappeared the entire night. I don't think they really noticed. If it wasn't for the fact that they picked me up that night they probably would have locked me in the church and left.

There have been several significant events in my life that have had such an impact I can trace who I am or how my life has unfolded back to them. This was one of those events. I came home from youth group that night feeling alone and rejected. I felt useless. I had no friends. I barely had acquaintances. I may have suspected it before, but that night confirmed it. Even in the church, the place where I thought we were supposed to take care of each other, I was alone. It's really hard to maintain some semblance of self esteem when no one notices or cares if you exist. And that's how I felt after that night. It was a devastating belief that I carried with me for much of my life.

This summer I hid behind the metaphorical couch again, all these years later. I withdrew from every thing I had been involved in. I retreated back into the isolation I have worked so hard to free my self from the last 2 years. And I was worried no one would notice. I was scared the lights would turn off, the doors would lock and I would be forgotten and alone. That did not happen. I'm so thankful for the people that noticed I was missing. I'm still trying to figure out where I fit in this life. It feels like I have been heading in the right direction the last few years. The search continues.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012


I went to Australia.
Did some stuff.
I'm back now.

(The little specks on the bridge are people)