Corona Covid

The world is shut down.
The media is corrupt.
The WHO is a puppet for China.
The pandemic was extremely over estimated.

I could go into details but you all know its true.

My response to all this now, one month after North America was effectively shut down, is that its time to reopen. Those that are at risk of Covid-19 should self isolate. Those that are in contact with those with risk factors should isolate. Everyone else should go back to normal.

Risk factors include immune deficiencies, breathing issues, the elderly, and the obese.

Initially they were saying up to 4 million people in the US could die and 300 000 in Canada too. One month later those numbers have dropped to 100 000 and 8 000 respectively. Who is going to pay for the devastation caused by those completely incorrect estimates? No one, probably. Who is going to pay for the complete economic devastation? No one, except those who are out of work. Keep in mind, the US loses about 50 000 people to the flu every year and Canada has about 5 000 people die from it as well. No one cares. Wash your hands, get the flu shot and off you go.

Not to down play the loss of life, but this has been one giant exercise in political correctness over public policy, wokeness over truth, and public hysteria over rational decision making.

I have always wanted to get involved more with politics. Now I'm not so sure. I believe in representing the people, but I don't trust the people anymore. At least not on a big scale.

I think I'll start locally.

20/20 Vision

It's another new year. What's new with me?

I'm a dad to a little girl. She blows my mind every time I see how perfect she is. I never thought I could feel this way.

I'm back in school finishing up a degree I started a long time ago. It's odd being 40 when most of my classmates are 19 or 20. However, most of them think I'm in my late 20's. It was surprisingly easy to jump back in. I'm playing pool with some of the guys later this week, and I'm fending off some of the girls who've been extra friendly. I wish I was this social back in the day. I won't be finished my degree until the end of next year. So far away, and so close.

This is not how I thought 40 would be. It's good but different. I feel like I'm just starting my adult life (again). I have opportunities that I didn't think I would have even five or ten years ago. Now I just need to figure out how to stay healthy and energetic enough to take advantage of them.

I find that health is a major focus in my life right now. I am still not 100% recovered from my accident 2 years ago. The odds are that I never will be. I may never be able to run or jump again. That is hugely disappointing to someone like me who used to be so active, playing sports, living life. But I always remind myself that I could have been paralyzed or killed. Given the options, I'll take what I got. So, partial paralysis aside, I want to stay active, keep my heart healthy, keep my energy up, and keep all those kinesthetic diseases away. Diabetes is like a personal friend to my family. I refuse to accept that in my life. I want to be around for my kids and their kids and their kids. It's amazing how much control one has over many of the variables in their life that lead to health, or sickness. I'm always shocked by the people that do themselves in with unhealthy choices and preventable diseases.

And that's what's going on in my life right now.

Broken Back Reovery: Two Years Later

Two years after my accident and after my surgery. Life is mostly back to normal, although I still only have the use of about 10% of my calf muscles. This means I still don't walk normally, can't quite run, jump, skip or lean forward without falling over. I've started accepting this as normal now but I can still clearly remember being able to do those things before. It still hasn't dawned on me that things like soccer, volleyball, or snowboarding are probably never going to be a regular thing in my life again. It's like grieving a piece of your life, I just haven't accepted that those things are gone. Most of the time I feel like I did before the accident. But there are small reminders, like going down stairs or walking in a crowd, that bring me back to this new reality. My feet still burn. But the cramps I used to get when activating my calves have gone away completely. Is this good or bad? I don't know. Will my situation be different in another year? I don't know. I don't think so but I will write about any future improvement to give hope to anyone else out there going through the same thing. I find I occasionally have dreams where I can jump. The shock of being normal is usually enough to wake me up. My excitement fades though as I roll out of bed only to discover that it was only a dream. My injury was only millimeters away from allowing me to recover completely, but it was also millimeters away from me being in a wheel chair for the rest of my life. Given the alternative, I'll gladly accept my new fate, but I still miss my old body. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that for the majority of my life I'm disabled and unable to do all the active things in life I used to. It's not easy.

Broken Back Recovery: 23 Months Later

What's new since my last entry? What has changed? The aches and pains seem to be gone. The morning stiffness is much less. Many mornings its not there at all. Several months ago I woke up and realized that nothing hurt. Its been a very long time since I could say that. I can move without painful reminders that I haven't "warmed up" yet. During this time I have continued to focus on my stretching. Every muscle group atrophied to some extent during my recovery but I am glad to say I am probably more flexible now than at any other point in my adult life. I still plan to do the splits, but that may take another year or so.

I have returned to school to finish a degree I started 16 years ago. One of the classes I'm taking is gymnastics, if you can believe it. I still can't jump/run but I'm doing cartwheels, forward rolls and head stands. I never thought that would be possible.

What's still broken? My feet still tingle/burn. My calf muscles still don't respond properly and so I am unable to walk or run normally. I still can't stand on my toes. I don't think I've seen much improvement in that area since my last entry.

Broken Back Recovery: After The First Year

I'm currently 16 months out from the accident/surgery.

My feet still burn. My calves still ache. This is because of the damage to my S1 nerve. Is it getting better? Maybe, but so slowly its almost imperceptible. Will it ever heal fully? Unlikely, although I'm not giving up on it. The doctors told me that the bulk of my recovery will happen within the first two years although I may slowly improve for years beyond that time. I saw my surgeon yesterday and he reiterated that I will continue to recover for years and years but may never see 100% recovery. For me, this means I'm looking at a new career because I can't do what I used to without fine motor control of my feet.

My back and related injuries, excluding the S1 nerve, seem to be improving. I still have minor aches and pains that I didn't have before the accident. I feel stiff and need to start moving slowly and intentionally before my body can move fluidly and without effort. It's almost like I need to warm up before I can move "normally".

Another issue which I didn't have before the accident is bowel and bladder control. I find that I need to go to the bathroom more often and I can't hold it for as long as I used to before. I'm not sure if that is just an aging issue that would have occurred regardless of my broken back or if it is a direct result of my broken back. I know my control is better than the first three months after my surgery. I'm not sure how much its improved since then.

I still keep a journal of my recovery to remind myself of the process I've been through and see where I've come from. As things improve I will keep updating.

Broken Back Recovery: Months 7 to 12

By this time things were improving much slower. Comparing myself to the day before was a little depressing because I couldn't see any improvement. However, I kept a journal of my recovery and I could look back a month or so and see how far I had come. That definitely kept me in a positive mood. Occasionally I would do something I hadn't done for many weeks and I would be pleasantly surprised how much easier it was. During this time my physio moved to 4 hours a day, 5 days a week. And was usually followed by a lot of rest afterwards.

The aches, pains, numbness were still going away. My feet still had a burning sensation but everything else felt more like muscle soreness which I was grateful for. It meant my muscles were moving and getting stronger. My strength had almost returned to pre-accident levels in some areas. I was finally able to do curl ups again. I still had almost no strength in my calves. I couldn't stand on my toes, which still affects my movement, speed, balance, etc... My cardio component was improving. I attempted running. It wasn't great, but it was better than nothing.

Despite the issues I have with my S1 nerve and corresponding muscles, by the end of the year I almost felt normal again. Almost.

Broken Back Recovery: Months 4 to 6

As I write this, I need to let the readers know this is one year after the fact, so I'm mining my memories and my journal for this one. But I'm still in the ball park.

Months 4 to 6 after my back surgery saw the greatest and fastest recovery. I started going to physio for 2 hours a day, 3 days a week, although by that time I was forcing myself to do homemade exercises in my free time. My strength was returning. I was initially limited to lifting 5 pounds or less. I increased that on my own as I felt my strength returning. My flexibility was improving greatly with constant stretching. My balance was also improving. I would practice standing on one foot at a time. My left leg/foot was lagging behind its right side counterpart in all areas but I could balance on each for a minute before tiring/falling.

My walking gait was improving slowly. My core strength was still weak and so I didn't have a good foundation from which to move my extremities. My calves still had almost no strength (as result of my S1 nerve impingement which may never fully recover). The result was that I couldn't stand on my toes or use my feet to push back as I leaned forward. This meant that I always leaned backwards when walking or standing because my center of gravity was over my heels. In physio they had me lean forward as far as I could without falling over. I could barely make it to vertical. And that felt like I was going to fall on my face. This is very specific to my back injury and probably won't be similar for most. I worked on this a lot and my walking gait improved but it still had a very long way to go.

After my accident I had a large numb area that included my entire mid section, from lower back to below my glutes. Over this time it started shrinking and localizing itself at my point of injury. By 6 months it was almost completely gone.

I still had pain in my legs but it was less than before. My feet still had burning sensations. My back had odd pains on occasion, but it mostly felt like sore muscles which I took as a good sign.

My cardio and endurance were almost nonexistent. I could barely move my extremities, let alone move them quickly and so this was an area that lagged behind.

I definitely felt more normal by this time. I could see the light at the end of the metaphorical tunnel.

Broken Back Recovery: The First 3 Months

(Posted 1 year after it was written)

I'm three months out from my spinal fusion surgery. When I think about where I am now its difficult to remember where I cam from. It almost feels like a dream.

First month -Very sick from the anesthesia for the first week. Very hungry, but nauseous. I couldn't eat more than soup. I lost 15 pounds. I would wake up every hour on the hour all night long. I dreaded going to bed because I knew I wouldn't sleep. Very tired. I would spend almost 18 hours a day in bed. My back was quite sore. I was terrified of coughing or sneezing because of the pain in my back. However the most pain was in my legs. My calves were constantly in pain. In the hospital I had pneumatic cuffs on my legs to help with my circulation. At home I didn't have the cuffs and so my legs hurt a lot. My feet hurt a lot too. Most of my pain meds were for my feet and legs. I would also get random shots of pain in my left leg. My feet hurt were swollen and always cold. My muscles were all incredibly stiff. I could barely move. I could barely go up or down stairs because of my stiffness. I had a wheel chair and walker for the first few weeks. Eventually I moved on to the cane. By the end of the month I found it easier to walk without the cane but I still used it outside on uneven surfaces. I barely had bladder or bowel control. I wore diapers for the first month out of the hospital. I was not allowed to bend or twist.

Second month -I eventually stopped taking all my pain meds, muscle relaxants and laxatives. Bowel movements were painful. I dreaded trying to go to the bathroom. It hurt and sometimes took up half an hour. I almost passed out once or twice. My sleep pattern slowly improved. I would only wake up 3 or 4 times during the night. I could finally get out of bed before 11am. My legs and feet still hurt a lot. The random shooting pain in my left leg finally stopped but I developed a new pain in my leg whenever I would touch my left thigh. The swelling in my feet went down and the coldness and numbness turned into tingling. I had approval from the doctor to start driving and bending and twisting.

Third month -My feet and legs still hurt a lot, but differently. My flexibility was almost non existent. I had to manually bend my legs to stretch my muscles. It hurt to bend forward, not that my back could bend much at all. I had to keep my back from moving for 2 months so once I started moving I was shocked to find I had almost 0 flexibility through my back, glutes, hamstrings and calves. I felt like a pole. I very consciously stretched and bent to my limits and held it for as long as I could. Mobility and range of motion improved but I was no where near my pre-accident limits. I started swimming. My balance was horrible, but improving. I used to fall over if I closed my eyes because I couldn't use the horizon to determine what vertical was. Now, with great effort, I could stay upright, but it was not easy.

Broken Back Recovery: The Accident

Late last year I broke my back in an accident I'm lucky to have survived. Initially I was worried I would never walk again. My back was broken in 2 places. I had 3 vertebrae fused together. After surgery I began to regain control of my legs. Slowly. This recovery process has been much slower than I want. Fortunately, in the whole scheme of things, I'm actually healing faster than anticipated. There are a lot of reasons to be grateful. I'm trying to keep my positive disposition. It's not always easy. I'm in pain every day. I still don't have total muscle control and my nerves are on their own time frame. Looking for encouragement, I have spent a lot of time online reading other people's stories. There's about a 10:1 ratio of bad to good narratives out there. The internet isn't the best place to find encouragement. I think I'm ready to start sharing my experiences as I recover and hopefully encourage anyone else out there going through a similar situation.

When The Man Comes Around

My friend recently found out her husband is dying. The doctors say he has less than 5 years to live. He could be dead tomorrow. There's no operation and no medication that can stop this. Only a miracle will change the inevitable.

I don't know what it would be like to know how little time you have left on this side of eternity. I'm sure it would make any person re-evaluate their life. We all know we have a limited number of days but we all assume that those days numbers in the tens of thousands. I mentioned in early blog posts about sudden illnesses and deaths that affected people I know much earlier in life than is expected. My cousin lost his wife to ALS. A coworker has learned she has MS. They were both younger than I am. Another coworker lost his daughter to cancer. She wasn't even 10. My parents are currently older than their parents were when they died. No one knows for sure how many days or years they have left. And yet, I would guess that we waste so much of our time on things that don't matter in the larger scheme of things.

My friend is preparing to be a widow in her 30s with 3 kids under the age of 9. Now that the reality of mortality has set in their priorities have changed. Life is not about going to work right now, even though money will be important in the future. They want to spend time together. They want to make videos for their kids to remember their dad.

I'm planning to live beyond 100 years old. How should I prioritize? Do I live like today is the first day of the rest of my life or live like today will be my last? What's the middle ground?

Discomfort Can Lead To Growth

This blog has documented the changes I've gone through over the last 7 years or so. I've grown quite a bit as a person. My world view, how I perceive others, and how I perceive myself has changed drastically. Its been quite interesting to look back at who I was and where I've come from and compare that version of me to who I am now. I think the changes are good. Great even. What I've concluded is that comfort leads to stagnation and deterioration. The best comfort can lead to is the status quo. However, the negative end of the comfort spectrum ends with death of the soul, if not the body.

Growth only comes through the discomfort of trials. When I first started this blog I was deeply dissatisfied with my personal development. I suffered from Social Anxiety, I was incredibly shy and I was/still am an introvert. These obstacles left with me with only 2 options. The first option was to accept this disabling fear and live with it. I could seek out a life of comfort, which would have meant essentially living as a hermit. No friends. No social activities. No interaction with the world outside the necessities of life. I could avoid my fears and live a comfortably pathetic life. The second option  was to do whatever it took to overcome these obstacles in my life. It was very uncomfortable confronting my fears and putting in the necessary effort to grow beyond my limitations at the time. However, now that I am on the other side I can say with certitude that any discomfort I felt at the time is more than compensated for by the place I am in now.

It frustrates me to see people limiting themselves, seeking out immediate relief from discomfort instead of allowing that discomfort to lead to growth. The guy who climbs a mountain doesn't give up and go home because it got cold out. He puts on another layer and keeps climbing. The band that releases a hit song likely had a lot of flops that preceded it. The lady that loses 100 pounds didn't retreat to the kitchen with a spoon and a bucket of ice cream. It took self control and many uncomfortable trips to the gym. These are all real people I know. They could have retreated to a warm home, a boring profession, or a bakery and found comfort but they didn't. They persevered through their discomfort and changed their circumstances.

There's always two options. Retreat or press on. One is much more comfortable. The other leads to victory. The choice is always yours.

Christmas Scrooge

I'm Scrooge.

I had to go to a couple stores and a mall this weekend. It was horrible. Parking lots without parking spots, malls with bouncers, stores with every till open and line ups stretching for all eternity. I hate materialism. And Christmas brings out the worst of those who writhe in materialism like a pig in slop. Every year the news covers the latest Black Friday stampedes, shootings, fights and deaths as people struggle to buy more junk they can't afford to give to those who don't need it and people they are mostly indifferent about.

I rarely buy Christmas presents. And if I do buy something, it usually has nothing to do with Christmas at all. The timing is just a coincidence. However, I'm a fairly generous person with my time, money and possessions. I try to help out where I can regardless of the time of year.

Several days ago at work some of the office staff were talking about what they were buying their kids for Christmas and how they hope to be done Christmas shopping weeks before the actual date. I casually mentioned that I don't buy anyone anything for Christmas. Their reactions were amazing. Some had looks of sheer horror, as though I just kicked their dogs. Others thought I was lying. Others still tried to coax the "truth" out of me, suggesting what I meant was that I only buy presents for my immediate family or something that fit within their paradigm. I said it again. Nothing. No one. Silence. So I continued to talk. I told them that I don't want to waste money that could go towards something positive and/or practical on things that no one wants or needs just because every one else is doing it. A couple people quietly admitted that it made sense. They were also the same people talking about all the toys they were buying for their kids. Then someone quite seriously said, "But you're still buying something for your wife, right?" Nope. More silence. Aghast looks on their faces. It made my day. I hope some were shocked enough to change their habits, but they probably won't.

As an aside, I was the lowest paid person in that room. (By my own choice. I choose time over money when practical.) And yet I probably had the highest net value of everyone there. I don't particularly care about the value of my "stuff" but if I were to play by their rules, I own 5 houses, have a net worth closing in on 7 figures and my car cost more than my parents paid for their current home. I will be a millionaire by the time I'm 40 and I plan to retire by 50, which was younger than at least a couple people in the room. I am not a slave to money or things like they are. I actually feel sorry for them.

I bought my wife a house and a car a couple months ago. And we just spent a couple hundred dollars on things I would consider unnecessary to decorate this new house. That alone is enough of a decent into materialism for me.

Bah Humbug and Merry Christmas!

The Little Things

I'm mentoring a boy from youth group, at his dad's request. He's a kid that's stood out to me for a while now. He reminds me of a young me. I couldn't quite put my finger on the reason why until last week. He told me that he's been diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder. If you've read any of my early blog posts you'd know that I was also a sufferer of Social Anxiety Disorder. Miraculously, today I am a (mostly) normally functioning person. That was not always the case. I feel like God has put us together at this time for this reason.

I went out for coffee with a guy from church last month. It was something we'd been planning since last year but haven't been able to co-ordinate until recently. He reminds me a lot of myself recently, as I've gone through my journey of self discovery. We talked for a couple hours. It was good. He's going through something I struggled through in my recent past and I was able to show him a new way to approach this issue. It's only because of my life experience that I could offer him this new insight that other well meaning people could not. Hopefully some good comes of it. Hopefully it was a God thing as well.

A couple months ago I met up with a former co-worker from my previous managerial position. I'm not sure if this make any sense but he is like a future me. We connected at work and get along quite easily. I've been praying for him for a long time. If you're in the praying mood, pray for him as well. I feel called to be a witness to him. I hope God prepares the way and I am ready for the opportunities when they present themselves. We chatted for 3 hours or more. It was good. If it wasn't for the time, we'd probably still be talking. I think good things are happening through this relationship.

I have an idea for a book. I'm very confident it could help a lot of people who have gone through the things I did growing up. If I find time I'm going to start writing the outline. These relationships have spurred something inside me.

2015

A year in review.

I left a job I was great at but hated.
I took a job I love and am good at.
I got engaged.
I got married.
I started sleeping better.
I started eating better.
I started exercising.
I lost almost 30 pounds.
I started swimming again.

I'm definitely happier now than at the beginning of 2015.

The End of 2015

We're coming to the end of another year. 2015 was a good one for me.

I got engaged. I got married. I got a new position at work (which is much more satisfying). I climbed a mountain. I lost 29 pounds.

2016 will be a good year too. My first Triathlon. My first year anniversary. I'm sure there will be some more firsts thrown in the mix.

And the days are getting longer. It's going to be good. I'm going to enjoy today.

Free At Last

I am officially finished my managerial role at my company. It was a good 2 years. I made drastic improvements, increased profitability and organized a change that affected the market to such a degree the final results won't be known for another year or so. I don't usually brag online but I did a good job. I received a lot of thank you letters from my employees. Some I hired had no experience in this field but have excelled and are now valuable assets to this company. Some have changed their future career plans because I found their strengths and matched them with responsibilities that challenged and rewarded them. It was a good experience. It played to my strengths. Unfortunately there was no off switch. I was constantly on call, overseeing many employees, many customers and many side projects. Since my departure my position has had its responsibilities reduced for my replacement and many of my duties have been shed to 3 other managers. Basically, my job is now done by four people. I always suspected I was doing more than should be required of a single person.

The stress is what eventually forced my hand. I was never free from work. With a cell phone and access to the internet I was at work 24/7. And this is an industry that operates 24/7 so I was never free. Even at times where there was nothing to be done, my mind was always on work, on loads, on budgets and balance sheets and schedules. For the first time in 2 years I can now go off the grid and not feel guilty. It took me 2 weeks off just to decompress. The human body (and mind) were not designed for modern day corporate life. I am excited again. I am excited for new and different challenges. I am excited to go swimming and not worry if my cell phone is unattended. I am excited to have free time with no responsibilities. I am excited to live the rhythms of life closer to what God intended.

Inhale. Exhale.

I am transitioning to a new but familiar role within the company. The long term benefits are somewhat financial, but more importantly they offer a better lifestyle. I have been looking for more free time, less stress, less responsibilities, more fun. I'm getting married in 3 weeks and I want a job that is conducive to being a husband and eventually a father. I've been trying to move in this direction for a while now, even before marriage seemed like a reality. It's amazing to think all these things are falling in to place.

The Weight

A little over 3 months ago I was 206 pounds. Today, I'm hovering around 186. I've lost 20 pounds. It wasn't easy. It was will power. I've been donut free for a little over 2 months now. That was not an easy task. I averaged about 2 donuts per day last year. This year my total donut count is at 44.When I made the decision to get back in to shape, I decided to limit my donut intake to 10 donuts per month. I exceeded that limit about 3 weeks in to the year. But, seven months later, its amazing to see the difference a few less donuts can make. I'm writing this entry wearing a shirt I haven't worn in over a year, because it didn't fit until today. I'm not so concerned about my weight as I am my health, but weight is a good indicator of my health so it is the thing I choose to measure. By the end of the month I hope to be under 180 pounds for the first time in a couple years. After that, I may end up gaining weight as I exercise and build muscle mass. Once that happens I think I'll transition from solely weight to waste size and weight.

See you at 180!

VBS Again

I've taken a week off work to help with VBS again this year. It's good. I definitely needed time away from work. This year I am helping with the pre-school kids as well as the grade school kids. That's something new for me. I like it. The kids are so fun. I was a bit nervous as I usually work with older children but this was something that came much more naturally to me than I thought.

I'm going to be so tired by the end of this vacation.

Freedom

I've been busy but things are good.

I'm moving in to a new position at work which should buy more free time. Today was supposed to be a day off work. But I got called. I was called on my day off. I was called yesterday morning at 6am. I was called on Sunday. I have a problem. I'm good at what I do. Even when I'm not supposed to be working, work will track me down for my expertise. The problem with work is that, although it is made of good people, as an organization it will always take what it can from its employees. The problem with me is that I let it. I'm learning to set boundaries. I'm learning to do the same thing in my relationships so I can stay healthy. I find it really difficult asking others for what I need. But that's changing. Today was a good day, despite work tracking me down. I said no to things that wanted my time because I didn't have time to give.

Life

I don't know where the time has gone. It's almost June. The days are brighter and longer. I like it.

Life is still too busy. Unfortunately I've been too busy lately to get less busy. Is that a Catch 22 or just an excuse?

Volleyball is almost over. I won't be playing on a team this Summer. That will free up some time. Junior and Senior High Youth Groups will be happening every other week starting in July so that will free up another night during the week. I'm not sure if my small group will be continuing through the Summer. And my C&C group starts to slow down in the Summer as well. I may finally catch my breathe. I just need to make sure I don't ramp it all up again in the fall. This Friday I'm doing a sleep over with kids transitioning into Junior High Youth. In July I am taking a week off work to help with our Preschool and Elementary School VBSes.

Then in October I'm getting married. Crazy. There will be a two week honeymoon in Europe and then I'm back at it again. And that's life.

And unrelated to the rest of this entry, but I'm 195 pounds now.