Youth Retreat

This weekend we took the youth group away. It  was an awesome retreat.

I've found in the past that these weekends are where our relationships tend to solidify. This weekend was the same.

First, some background information. My church is big. I don't know everyone. I don't even know of or about everyone. Our youth group is big too. Although I know "of" all the kids, I don't know all the kids. Our youth group isn't as close as other's I've been a part of in the past. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's different. Within our youth group we have small groups that provide a closer bond between each sponsor and the kids that are a part of their individual group. However, within the the youth group as a whole, there's kids who don't even know the names of kids in the other small groups.

The final night of the retreat something happened. Some of us watched a movie, some of us played board games, some others went to bed. Eventually it was just myself and 5 youth left in the main building. We were a collection of unique people who wouldn't normally end up together if left to our own devices or the format of the youth group. We were from different small groups and backgrounds. Some of us were churched, some of us not, and some in between. Some didn't know the other's names. It all started with one girl saying that from this point on we had to be our selves. No pretending. She said that at school she puts on a front but in youth group she was more her self. Now she wanted to be completely real, but only if the rest of us were real too.We started a board game and a conversation. The theme of this weekend was Making Your Faith Your Own. All weekend long the sponsors were sharing their testimonies. This night the remaining youth started sharing their stories with me. We ended up staying up all night long. It was heart breaking to hear some of the things that they are working through. It left me wanting to pray for those kids so much. There's some things I just can't fix. I have to let God take control. And that can be difficult for me to do sometimes.

I'm praying for our kids. I'm praying for the kids I spent the night talking to in particular. They're dealing with things that kids their age shouldn't have to deal with. I'm praying that the relationships that were formed this weekend remain strong throughout the year.

It's difficult for me to explain, but I came out of this weekend changed because of the experience I had that night. I hope it's a God thing. I pray that many good things will come out of this weekend.

Amen

The Guy

A couple weeks ago I arrived to church a few minutes late. I don't like being late. I also don't like being early but that's an unrelated thought at this time. Any way, my usual section was filled up. The only open seats were next to people I didn't know. (If you have been reading this blog for a while you probably know I am not a huge fan of meeting new people.) So I sat in an open space in a place I never sit, near people I didn't know. The service was about prayer. And to change things up a bit we were asked to form small groups with about five people or so in our vicinity.

Haha. Nice one, God. You got me again.

As a (slightly) shy, (kinda) introverted guy, my metaphorical idea of Hell is a pre-sermon church meet and greet time that never ends. Fortunately we only had to form a small group for the duration of the service so I guess I didn't really experience Hell this time.

So there I was, in a group of people I didn't know, being asked to share a bit of myself with them and pray for these strangers. As it turns out, one of the guys in my group was new. This was his first Sunday with us. He didn't know anyone, in our group, our section, or the church in general. I can't say we bonded but we had a similar point of reference we could relate to. I ended up praying for him. He had an interesting story which I won't share in this place, but I felt fortunate that I did end up praying for him. I didn't see him at church the following week (I was intentionally trying to find him) and I'm going to miss a few weeks because of work so I won't have a chance to connect with him for a while. I don't have any other way of finding him so I'm just continuing to pray for him and asking God to honour his decisions. Hopefully we'll meet again in the near future.

And that's my story for the day.

The Girl

I met a girl recently. When I say girl, I mean a girl. She was in her mid teens. Her glasses where held together with tape. It wasn't a recent fix. They seemed to have been like that for a while and they will probably be like that for a while longer. Her hair was nothing fancy. Pulled back and hidden by her headscarf. We talked briefly about her family situation. It wasn't good. Two of her three siblings where involved in things that had caused trouble and brought separation to her family. All three had left school after grade 9 and she wanted to  do the same but her parents wouldn't let her. One of her brothers moved back in on the couch. One of her brothers was in jail. Other family members were staying with their family too, until they could get back on their feet. Their home was not that big. I ended up giving her a ride home that night. I know this city fairly well and I had no idea anyone still lived in the area she did. Most of the homes have been condemned and torn down. I didn't think any were still liveable. She told me she expects that the last remaining houses will be torn down soon. She's not sure where her family will end up. It was a sad situation.

But she knew Jesus. And she appeared to be so full of life. Almost too full of life for the circumstances that surrounded her. I found it very interesting.

Some people believe becoming a Christian includes God giving them everything they want and protecting them from every bad situation. I don't. I know a group of guys who knew Jesus personally and their lives did not end up all sunshine and rainbows. I don't recall God ever promising us to be our own person genie in a bottle. I do remember Jesus promising to be with us always if we do His will, regardless of circumstances. Even in the bad circumstances.

Occasionally, when I remember, I pray for her.

That's my story for the day.

Working In Me

(Here's another post on the fly.)

My constant prayer, always in the back of my mind, no matter what, is that God would continue to work in my life, make me the man of God I was created to be, line up my desires with His, and help me to do what I was meant to do. It is a sometimes scary prayer to pray. It is still my prayer. I honestly don't know how it will all come to pass. I'm not sure how God will work all these things out in my life. I believe there is a responsibility on my part to submit to God, but I also believe there is a responsibility to continue to seek God out, to continue to show God's love to others, to be a friend to those in need. I've heard it said that you can't steer a car that isn't moving. So, I am not entirely sure how God wants all this to play out but I know I need to keep growing closer to Him so he can direct me. I need to keep moving. Sometimes I am not sure how. Sometimes I wonder if God made a mistake, or I made a mistake. It's weird to be so confident and so doubtful at the same time. I believe, help my unbelief. I have felt the ebb and flow of God at certain times in my life and right now I am trying to figure out how He is moving in my life again. It's no secret that I have been distracted for a while. I need to take a break from my distraction. I need to rest in God. It's really difficult for me to do. I am a doer. (Maybe it's a guy thing. I tend to be more Martha than Mary. I think things are going to change for a little while.) I need to be a listener.

I have always struggled with understanding how this whole feeling thing works. I was not a really emotional kid growing up. I kept my feelings buried deep inside because I was afraid I would get hurt if they ever saw the light of day. But that is not what God wanted for me. My emotional distance really hindered most of my relationships growing up and it is still something I am learning to deal with now. And I think that has hindered how I tried to live out God's calling in my life. Maybe I'm just babbling now but I feel like there is another God thing about to happen in my life. It is scary. Another ebb or flow is taking place. I'm not sure what God is going to do in my life, but I pray I allow Him to do it.

Lord, please continue to work in my life. Please use my life to bless others. Please help me do what You have created me to do. Please help me be the man of God You have created me to be. Please help me share Your love. Please work through me. Please help me live out Your will in my life.

Amen.

The Name Of The Lord

Jehova Shalom
Jehova Rapha
Jehova Raah
Jehova Jireh

Lord, please be to me who You said You are.
I need to spend so much more time with You than I have been lately.
I am so busy, and I apologize.

Please bring me peace.
Please heal my heart.
Please keep me safe.
Please provide for me what I need and You desire.

Please bring me rest.

In Jesus' name I ask for these things.
Amen

With Everything I Have In Me

Lord, please heal every area of my life that needs healing.
Please give me the strength to let You.

I Heard God

I heard God a while ago. I didn't "sense" God or "feel" God. I heard God. Actual words.

I was praying about a month ago when I heard these words. I can't say I heard them audibly, more internally, but it wasn't a "feeling" or a "sensation". They were actual words. And they told me something I didn't want to hear and offered me encouragement for the future. Now maybe I just planted my own message in my head and attributed it to God. That's always possible. I know I have enough things floating around in there something may have shaken loose. However, it wasn't a message I would have chosen to give myself and it fits very much with the character of God I see in the bible. So I'm going to go with it. I heard God. And that's almost as frustrating as not hearing God sometimes. The message of encouragement was a promise. And that's where it gets frustrating for me. I am the kind of guy who does things for himself. I believe in hard work and responsibility and serving. When I hear that something needs to be done, I want to do it.

And God promised me something. And I need to make a confession, and maybe an apology. I have been trying to accomplish this promise through my own actions. In some ways I feel like I don't trust God to do what He said He would do and so I was going to give Him a hand, just in case. I see parallels with Abraham. The problem is, just like Abraham, I don't know how God is going to work things out and I may just be getting in the way and causing problems. So, I am sorry. Lord, please forgive me. Please forgive me for trying to force something that is out of my hands. Help me to listen and follow You, not forge ahead on my own. I believe You will do what You said You will do. Help me do what I need to do, or not do.

Here's my very paraphrased version:

When Abraham was 75 years old God told him to leave everything he had known behind and follow Him, and He would make Abraham the father of a great nation. And Abraham did it. Awesome. His wife was 65 years old and couldn't have kids so this was a pretty spectacular promise. However, 10 years later they still didn't have any kids. They began to doubt God a little bit. Besides, how's a 75 year old woman who couldn't have kids going to give Abraham this nation God promised? So, they took things into their own hands. (This is kind of how I feel I have been trying to take things into my own hands instead of trusting God.) At Sarah's insistence, he slept with her servant Hagar, so that he would be able to have a child. That created a whole lot of trouble for everyone involved. Even though Abraham did have a son through their actions, that  was not the fulfilment of God's word. Everything Abraham and Sarah did to "help" God out really just created a mess and did not bring them any closer to receiving God's promise. Skipping a little bit here and there, 14 years later God came back to Abraham and repeated His promise. (This was 24 years after He originally promised Abraham he would become the father of a nation.) Abraham was probably a little bit delirious and/or angry by now. He fell down and laughed and asked God, "How can a 100 year old man and his 90 year old wife possibly have a kid?"  God replied, "I'm God. By this time next year Sarah will have a son. Call him Isaac. He is the fulfilment of My promise to you." And sure enough, that's what happened.

I find this story super encouraging for a lot of reasons.
Most importantly, God kept his word.
No matter how much we may want to help God along, sometimes it's best we just trust in Him and follow Him as best we can.
Unfortunately, God also took 25 years to fulfil His promise. That makes me a little nervous. I can sometimes be a little impatient. Hence, my urge to help God along.

Lord, my prayer is that You will do what You said You will do. Please keep me from screwing it up. How I think You'll fulfill Your promise and how You plan to fulfil Your promise may be very different. Please keep me in Your will. Please help me grow closer to You. Please help me receive what You have in store for me. I'm asking that You will fulfil the desires of my heart. I pray that my desires are Your desires for me. I believe that because I am seeking You and Your will, they are. However, if my wants are not Yours, and this is very scary for me to ask, please make Your desires for me my desires as well. Gulp! Amen.

Uganda

I have friends going on a missions trip to Uganda. The first leg of their journey begins tomorrow. I'm praying for them. If you have a moment, please pray for them too.

I'm praying that their work there will be successful. I'm praying for health and safety. I'm praying that God will be evident and tangible on this trip. I'm praying for changed lives, both theirs and the people with whom they come in contact. I know that these trips have a very deep impact on those going, sometimes more than those receiving. I'm praying that amazing things will happen in the lives of everyone involved.

Thank you Lord for being a part of this trip. Lord, please change hearts, impact lives and heal souls. In Jesus name I ask for these things. Amen.

Baptisms, etc...

Dear Diary,

It has been a busy week or two. My time has been filled by work, church, C&C, dates, social gatherings, my birthday, small group, youth group, my other job, and my own thoughts. I am tired. I could feel it creeping up on me this weekend. Hopefully I will have a little "me" time tomorrow as I have the day off. I need some God time and some reading time. And maybe a little bike riding time too.

Yesterday I attended a baptismal service at a community pool. It was really moving. I teared up a few times. Some of my youth group kids were baptized. It was great to hear them publicly share their faith and their stories. It was great gathering together with other Christians in nature and worshiping and sharing testimonies.

Last week was also kind of sad for me. Some of my kids are moving into the high school youth group and so I won't see them nearly as much. I can already feel myself missing them. I'm not good with these feelings. I'm never quite sure how to process them. I could feel a heaviness as we had our last official youth group event last week. I suppose it's a natural and even joyful change but I'm still a little sad as people move on.

Next week is VBS. I have been looking forward to this all year. I am on the story team this year. Skits, plays, narrations, and all that good stuff. I'm excited. Unfortunately work is forcing me to miss the final day because I will be out of town, but I am still excited for the time I will have.

And relationships continue to amaze and confound me. But it's all good. I'm still excited for the possibilities and the certainties. I have three invitations by three different individuals to meet up for coffee this week. I don't know if I'll be able to fit everyone in. It's difficult being this popular ;)

I am definitely becoming more intentional and focused in my spiritual life. I never used to like sticking to a schedule for reading my bible or spending time with God because I always thought a schedule would regiment the life right out of my relationship. I don't think that's the case anymore. If I have an incredibly early day I am now scheduling God time in the evening. If I have a late night I will schedule God time in the morning. This way I will not let work interfere with the most important thing in life. My relationship with my creator. Let's see how this unfolds.

If you are in a praying mood, this is mostly what I have been praying the last week or so. Please feel free to pray for me if you get a chance.

Lord, thank You for everything you have given me. I am grateful.
I ask that You would help me continue growing closer to You. Help me be a man after Your own heart. Please help me spend time with You regularly. Please motivate me to read my bible as my schedule allows. Please help me reflect You to those around me and encourage them in their relationship with You too.
Thank you for the youth that have come into my life in the last year. Please bless them as they move into high school and help them stay strong in their faith. I pray that I was a blessing in their lives. Thank You for the new kids that will come into my life in the Fall.
Lord, VBS is coming up quickly. Please help us share Your love with all the kids that attend. I ask that You will give all the organizers and volunteers strength, energy, wisdom and sleep next week.
Thank You for relationships. Lord, I ask that You will continue to teach me how to be a friend to others. And how to be a boyfriend to one person in particular. Thank You for special relationships. I ask that You help us continue to grow and share and have fun. Help me not to second guess everything. Help me be a strength and a comfort and a friend to her.
Thank You for everything.
Amen.

Roller Coaster

This week has been draining.

Work was too busy. I ended up away from home for 3 days. That was annoying.
And in between all the business I was on an emotional roller coaster. I think I've gone through every emotion on the emotional spectrum. I am so tired.

There are so many things I want to share on this space but I can't because they involve other people.
There are so many thoughts in my head that will have to stay there a little while longer.

I think I'll end by saying:

"Lord please help me to know what is best and right for me. Please guide me in the big decisions in my life. In Jesus name I pray. Amen."

What A Privilege

What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer.

God, You are good. Thank You for Your blessings.
Thank You for family and friends and those crazy things called relationships that bind us all together.
Thank You for family relationships that are moving forward.
Thank You for speaking to me through Your word and through the messages shared at church and C&C.
Thank You for places and times of freedom.
Thank You for my small group where people can share and care and be cared for.
Thank You for people who know me, and like me anyway ;)
Lord, You know my friend has received life altering news. It isn't life ending but life will not be the same without a miracle. Lord, I'm asking for that miracle at the appointed time. And I'm asking my friend feel Your presence during this time as the implications of this news settles in.
And God I'm asking for healing for another awesome person who may need surgery. I'm praying for healing, either divine or through the knowledge and ability you've granted to doctors. Lord, I ask that You dull the pain and bring healing as quickly as possible.
Help me to make Your priorities for me my priorities for me also.
Lord, the story of David has always spoken to me in ways I can't quite describe. Lord, it has always been my desire to know You like David did. I want to dance like David danced. When I stumble I want to go to You first, knowing You will forgive a repentant heart. Despite my shortcomings, I want to walk with You and call You friend. I want You to call me friend too. I want to look back at my life in the end and know I served You, and know others knew I served You too.
Thank You for the possibilities before me.
Lord, life is great and confusing. Thank You for the greatness. Thank You for guiding me through the confusing. See You on the other side.

Amen

Proverbs XI

I am going to be doing a little of this over the next few weeks.



It's scary for me to step out into the unknown. Everything I've experienced in the past is telling me I'm about to fall and yet there's just a little faith that God has provided a bridge to cross the chasm. Just because I can't see it at the moment, doesn't mean it isn't there. This last year has taught me that.

I'm going to be praying a lot over the next few days. It's funny, or maybe sad, that something so small can motivate me to pray so much.

God, ... help ...
Amen.

Update: I changed my mind. It's not a small thing. It's a big thing. And it's important to me. And I'm important to God. So it's important to God too.

Looking Back

I was free this morning which is nice considering I worked a 16 hour day yesterday.
I used my free time to read this entire blog, from the most recent entry to the oldest entry. It really is amazing to me to see where I have come from, where I am now and the path that has lead me here. And I enjoyed listening to the music, the soundtrack of my life at those particular times. Some entries I would have sworn I wrote last week but they are from a long time ago, and others seem like a life time ago but are much more recent. I know I've said it many times before but it blows my mind how different my life is now compared to my life before I started this blog.

There was one post that seemed to jump off the screen at me. It was a prayer. I pray random things all the time, and although I like to think I am always praying with expectation, sometimes I don't count on my prayers being answered. Here's something I prayed a little over a year ago.

Lord, You are good.  Thank You.

I am confused, as usual, but You know that.  Lord, life is swirling around so fast I feel like I can't keep up.  At least not under my own power.  Help me.  That seems to be my prayer more often than not.  I am thankful that You have a plan for me.  Please lead me and direct me.  Show me where You want me and what You want me to do with my life.  Please help me understand.

I'm looking for something definitive.  I trust You.  My heart is yours first and foremost.  All that it is belongs to You.

Please place me where my life, my skills, my gifts and abilities are needed.
Please increase my passion.
Please increase my faith.
Please increase my ability to care.
Please show me what it means to be a friend and help me be a friend to those in need.
Please continue to surround me with friends who can support me.
Please help me be a support to others.

And God, the unsaid prayers I have in my head, please do what You need to do. 
Ah, life, greater and more confusing than ever.

Thank You that this journey is just beginning, not ending.  I am excited, and nervous, and just a little fearful as your will unfolds in my life.  I am scared that your plans are not my plans, but I will take your plans over mine any day.  Please reveal your plans to me.  Please lead me. 

Please help me understand what an abundant life really looks like.  Please help me receive it and live it and give it. 

I am amazed by the answers to prayer I have received over the last year. I am humbled by my own  words. I pray that this is still the prayer of my heart.

Making A Difference

I have worked with a lot of youth through my life. Sometimes as a youth myself and sometimes as a "mature" adult. Some of these kids have lived lives much more difficult than my own. Others have had it pretty good. I always wonder where these kids are now. I know many are now adults. I still keep in touch with some. I still pray for them. All of them. Often I wonder if I have really made a difference in their lives. I wonder if they are better off because I was in their lives briefly trying to be the best follower of Jesus I knew how to be. And sometimes there are pleasant little surprises that pop up in my life because of the work I've done in the past.

Several weeks ago at the coffee house, I ran into a former youth, now adult, from one of the youth groups I ran back in the day. Actually this person was too young to be in the youth group at the time. His older brother was involved but he tagged along when he could. I spent a lot of time with their family outside of my official duties. We talked and chatted a bit and things seemed to be good. I am happy that he is continuing to follow Jesus and seems to be on a good path.

Tonight I went out for supper with my old friends from the North, who I've mentioned several times in previous entries. Completely coincidentally, the entire family of this young man were sitting at the table across from ours. I haven't seen the rest of the family in almost 10 years. It was so good to see them, even if it was only briefly. We said our hellos and did the hand shake thing, but honestly, I wish I was a little more brave and went in for a hug. It was sooooooo good to see them again. The father told me something that almost made me cry. He said that the years I worked with their kids were some of their best years. He told me I made such an impact on his kids and his whole family and he thanked me for the role I played in their lives. Wow.

Like I said, sometimes I wonder if I have really made a difference at all in the lives of the people I have poured myself into. Tonight was an amazing confirmation for me. I know not everyone has had an easy path to follow but I pray that they are better off because of the brief time I had to love them and show them the way.

Thank you, Lord.

My Prayer

This has been my prayer lately.
Coincidentally, I'm going to go see Third Day later this month.

Down

Have you ever felt a little down in the dumps?

Right now there is a big thing, a medium thing, and a lot of little things that have me feeling down.

First, a guy I used to work with died in an accident.  I didn't know him too well, but I've known him for five years.  He's only a few years older than me.  It was a shock.  There are few people I know who I would describe as indestructible, but this guy seemed to be one of them.  I'm not in mourning because we were never really close but I am in shock.  Life seems so much more fragile now.  I have noticed I haven't been as up as I usually am.

I have a family member in an extremely stressful situation.  It's something that I can't really help resolve which frustrates me.  As a guy, I want to fix things, but all I can do right now is watch from a distance.  It is so frustrating watching my family member become so frustrated, heading for a self induced fall and not doing what it takes to make the situation better.

Work has become busier.  Longer shifts.  More awkward shifts.  Less time at home.  Less time for the little things in life I need to do.  I've missed church because of work.  I've missed youthgroup because of work.  I've missed C&C for 2 weeks because of work and now I'm going to miss tomorrow night as well.  I was supposed to help with worship.  I've been practicing all week and now I feel like something important to me is unavailable to me because of work.

My pastor just resigned.

My lawn was vandalized.

All these things seem to build on each other.  Taken bit by bit, I can deal with them.  But when they all happen at the same time I start to feel down.

Looking at what I've just written I think the common element in everything is the loss of control.  They are things that have happened beyond my control, that I want to change but can't.  And this has left me feeling kind of down.

Right now I'm sitting here wondering what to do.  Maybe nothing.  Maybe pray, I suppose.

Lord, please help.  Amen.

VBS Day 3

Ice Cream!

That's how we finished our day today.  And it was good.

More games, more kids, more on the fly adapting.

It does feel a little weird to me because most, if not all of our leaders, know each other, except me.  And most of the leaders know most of the kids, except for me.  So I feel a little behind the curve in that area, but I am still getting to know new people and I suppose that is the important thing.

Beyond all the fun though, I am praying that God is reflected through us to the kids.  I pray that eternal truth and a salvation relationship are nurtured and reinforced through the crafts, games, worship and interactions that are happening every morning.  Amen.

God's Love

I realize that today is Easter so this entry may seem a little cliched because of the day it is appearing on but that is co-incidental.

Tonight I feel like I've been over whelmed by God's love.  I know it sounds like the Eastery thing to say but it is true.  I am sitting here wondering how can I help you feel this love.  My answer is, I don't know.  I don't have an answer for you.  Not really.  Seek and you will find.  That is my advice to you.

Lord, thank You for loving me.  Please help me share Your love.  Amen

More Prayer

Lord,

Please be with those I know writing tests and finals right now.  Please help them to study, learn, cram to the best of their abilities.  Please remove the stress that seems to be so prevalent this time of year.  Please help the people I know searching for jobs find jobs that fit them perfectly.

Please help me be the best me I can be.

Amen.

What To Do?

I have a friend named "Ken".

Ken's morality is very different than mine.  I find his morality is almost hedonistic.  His decisions tend to be very near sighted and very self centered.  He tends to make decisions based on instant gratification and makes excuses for his actions later.  It is difficult for me to understand the choices he makes because I am so different.

Ken is now involved in a series of decisions that I see as morally wrong.  Now, I don't want to start an entire debate on morality here (yet) but there is a self destructive tendency to the path Ken is taking.  Ken would call himself a Christian but his decisions seem very contrary to Christianity.  I will be honest and say that if one is not a Christian, or of no particular religion, one probably would not have a problem with the path Ken is going down.  However, it hurts me to see him hurting himself and creating the possibility of hurting others, while doing mental gymnastics to justify his self centered behaviour.  It hurts me to see someone claim to be a follower of Jesus, a Christian, and live a life so far from God.

So, what to do?

Pray.

Pray that his relationship with God would grow and develop.  I really don't care to pray that Ken would stop doing what he is doing.  Living out a certain behaviour without the foundation for that behaviour is pointless and I don't want Ken to merely "act" a certain way.  I am praying that Ken's life will flow out of his relationship with God.  I believe that living out a life centered on God brings real change, not superficial change.  As an old proverb goes, "A person convinced against his will is of the same mind still."  As much as I want to point out the error of his ways, without a real relationship with God, nothing will really change.