Sunday, July 14, 2013

Of Math and Finger Paints

I like math. I understand math. It makes sense. There are rules. If you know the rules you can find the answers.

Relationships on the other hand don't make sense. I get the vague sense there are rules, but they are not easy to discern and there are about a million exceptions to every rule. I just can't seem to figure out the answers, even when I know the questions.

Finger paints are a mess. There are no rules. The only rules are what you make. And the final product isn't a nice clean derivation or set like math produces. The final product is still messy.

Relationships are a lot like finger painting. It's messy when you start. It's messy as you progress. It's messy when you finish. Things can go according to plan or drastically different than you intended and yet the process doesn't necessarily determine the final product. It just doesn't make sense to me.

And yet...

At the end of the day, no one sits back and comprehends the beauty of an algebraic function or admires the process of a geometric proof. It's that messy piece of art that's hanging on the wall. For whatever reason, pleasure is found in the randomness and beauty of colours, shapes, and designs that play by their own rules.

I've had a lot of relationship finger painting sessions the last couple weeks. It's not the way you may think. Any way, I'm exhausted trying to understand all the rules that may not actually exist. I think I need to learn to step back and appreciate the art, and stop asking what it all means.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013


I am so busy.

Not counting sleep, I may spend one or two waking hours a day at home. I've got work. Volleyball. Softball. Youth group. Small Group. C&C. Church. Renos. About 10 people I know have decided to move in the last month (3 of them on the weekend) and I've been there to lend a hand. And then there's just the normal day to day things I need to do in between all that. I'm tired. And somehow this has caused me to think about what I really want in life. I've been sitting and thinking lately. As much thinking as I can cram into my "free" time any way. Being introspective. I can't say I've figured it all out, but I've figured out some things simply by crossing other things off the list. Some things I liked. Some things I didn't.

After living up north and never being home I discovered I don't like to be away from home for too long.
After signing up for softball I discovered I don't like being eaten by mosquitoes.
After joining a lot of different groups I've discovered I can make friends.
After renovating a house I've discovered the next one will be built from the ground up.
After growing dreadlocks I discovered prefer my hair short.
After working with youth groups I discovered I have more energy than most people my age and most people their age too.
After losing a lot of sleep I discovered I don't like to be tired.
After keeping my thoughts in a journal and a blog for so long I've discovered sometimes I just need someone to talk to.
After being the upfront guy I discovered I prefer to be the behind the scenes guy.
After being too busy to have time to think I have discovered I don't like to be this busy.

I think God created me to be introverted. I think I was created to be deep, and thinking, and introspective. Somehow I've become so busy I've lost a part of who I am. I can feel it. I've been thinking about the "who I am" I have discovered the last three years. I need me time. I haven't had that in almost a month. And I won't be able to get it again for about a month. I'm learning what is important to me and what isn't and learning to give my time to what is important. I don't think I'm being selfish when I say I think the things that are important to me are important to God because they are important to me. I also think the opposite is true. I think the things that are important to God are important to me because they are important to God.

And this whole blog entry has just been a very brief glimpse into what's going on in my head without me actually coming out and saying it. I just wanted to do something while I was busy thinking so I wrote this. I don't know if it makes much sense but it was a good diversion.

Now excuse me while I go to sleep, wake up, go to work, go to a birthday party, go to sleep, go to work, go to small group, go to sleep, go to work, do some renos, go to sleep, go to work, show a suite, go to sleep, play 4 softball games, go to sleep, go to church, play some volleyball, go to sleep, go to work, go play softball, go to youth group, go to sleep, go to work, go to....   You get the idea.