I'm Not Sure

Whenever I am tired my defenses seem to come down a little.  I am definitely tired right now.  I only had a couple hours of sleep because of some thoughts on my mind and I had to be up by 3:45am for work.  So, ya, my defenses are pretty low at the moment.  And instead of studying, which I probably should be doing, I felt the need to come here and say something.  I'm not sure.  That's about it.  I'm not sure.  I'm not sure about a lot of things.  Just not sure.  I used to be very sure about most things.  Not any more.  I don't think it's wrong to be certain of things.  I hope to be certain about many things again.  However, right now, some of the things I think I knew, I am not so sure about.

What am I sure of?
I am sure of Romans 8:1
I am sure of John 3:16-21

I am sure music is great.
I know God is good.
I know I am not.

I know the things of life, the most simple things that people take for granted, confuse me to no end.  I wish I could stop thinking of those things but I can't.  Love and relationships, church and holiness, friends and family.  These are not simple things to me.  They are vast mysteries.  Sometimes I wish I could just take them for granted like I see so many other people do.  I could put them in a tiny box and add them to the many boxes I used to keep my life segmented in.  Nice and tidy.  No need to think about the ramifications or power they contain.  But I have gotten rid of my boxes.  Their contents are a giant mess, all interconnected, and part of something larger than they ever where alone in their nice neat organized boxes.  And the mess I have created now belongs to God.  The giant mysteries and little blessings are His.  I wish I understood the process I feel like I am going through but I don't.

I am being very honest when I say I wonder if any of what I just wrote will make sense when I read it in the morning.

Life is still Great and Confusing.  Greater and more Confusing than ever.  I don't know how to proceed anymore.  Maybe that's the point.  I need to stop proceeding and just start being.  I'll let God proceed.  I will follow.

One of the great revelations that came out of my Spiritual Direction meeting with DA on Friday was how much of a whole all the little pieces of life really are.  God is not separate from my relationships which are not separate from my faith which is not separate from my finances, etc...  God is a part of all of them, and they all affect each other.  I wrote a little while ago about my plan to grow in my relationship with God before trying to grow other relationships before maybe even venturing into a romantic relationship, and how frustrated I was that it all seemed to happen at the same time.  It was suggested that if God really is a part of my life then as I grow with God all areas of my life will grow as well, because God is a part of them all.  And that is what happened.  As I grew closer to God all areas of my life became more God like.  I would even say the God given desires I have grew stronger too.  That's not to say I focussed them on the right things all the time, but they were there, stronger than ever.  I don't know where this leaves me now.  I still feel as confused and overwhelmed as I was before this revelation.  I think I trust God a little more now than before that it will all turn out all right.

Like I said, I wonder if any of this will make sense in the morning.
I'm not sure.


And totally unrelated but I thought I would share.  A little ago while I had an answer to prayer that seemed so insignificant I upped the ante.  And that prayer was answered too.  In all honesty, that confuses me even more though.  It's like the short story of The Monkey's Paw. (Look it up.  It's a classic.)  I don't know if I should continue praying along this line of thought because, even though my prayers seem to be answered, they aren't answered the way I want them to be.  And that really messes with me.  Once again, as long as I'm being honest, what I am praying for and how those prayers are being answered are some of the greatest sources of confusion in my life right now.  Maybe what I am asking for is not what God wants for me, and yet He is allowing it?  Maybe I'm just thinking too much.  I'm not sure.