Introduction III A

Most of the blogs I read tend to deal with current events and insights and discuss how they effect the present and future.  I think for the next couple days, my entries will deal with the past and how it shaped my history up to now.  It's a little different than usual and if any entry on this blog will be boring it will probably be posted over the next few days.  I apologize in advance.

I've mentioned that I was a sufferer of Social Anxiety Disorder, which is sometimes known as Social Phobia.  It's still kicking around in my life but to a much lessor extent.  From this point on I'll just call it SAD to save time.  To understand me, which seems to be the purpose of my blog so far, you need to understand SAD because it controlled a large part of my life.  I was not like other people growing up.  I know everyone thinks that, especially during our early teens, but it was much more true of me.  I did not behave like other kids and to some extent, I don't behave like other adults now.  I'm sure my motivations or actions have been misinterpreted in the past and even today.  I want to explain myself and ask you to please understand me.  Here's a little definition I grabbed off the interweb.

Social anxiety disorder is an anxiety disorder in which people fear social situations where they might be embarrassed or judged. When put in a social situation where they might become anxious sufferers have symptoms such as a racing heart, trembling, blushing or even sweating. This anxiety disorder is not uncommon by any stretch of the imagination — some sources say it affects more than five million Americans any given year.

A diagnosis of Social Anxiety Disorder can indicate either a “specific disorder” or a “general disorder”. A specific disorder is when only some particular situations cause social anxiety. A generalized social anxiety disorder typically involves a persistent, intense, and chronic fear of being judged by others and of potentially being embarrassed or humiliated by their own actions. These fears can be triggered by perceived or actual scrutiny by others. While the fear of social interaction may be recognized by the person as excessive or unreasonable, considerable difficulty can be encountered overcoming it. Approximately 13.3 percent of the general population may meet criteria for social anxiety disorder at some point in their lifetime, according to some estimates. In general, males are slightly more disposed to suffer from social anxiety disorder than females.

In addition to the key statements like fear of being judged, embarrassed, humiliated, I would also add the fear of being rejected.  To illustrate what SAD looks like in real life, here's a few examples.

In Junior High and even High School, I used to take up to 2 hours to make a phone call.  That's right.  I would pace back and forth trying to work up the courage to talk to a stranger on the phone.  I was terrified I would say something stupid.  If I was calling someone I knew, like a friend, I could usually make the call in 10 to 20 minutes.  I know it sounds ridiculous, even to me now, but that's just the way it was.  As a result, if I had to call anyone for any reason, it could eat up a good chunk of my day.  That's how debilitating it was.  As a young kid I would actually run away from the phone when it rang so that I wasn't expected to answer it.

Obviously this affected my life.  I would say that a normally developing child would use the phone occasionally to call friends or talk to grandparents or some such things.  I avoided it as much as possible.  And so I missed out on all those normal developmental opportunities that would come from communication.

And that was just the phone.  I avoided real live social situations as much as possible.  I remember being about 10 years old and my Aunt and Uncle and cousins from Norquay spent the night at our house because of a wedding in Prince Albert.  I stayed in bed pretending to sleep for 4 hours until they left because I was terrified to interact with them.  Even at that age I knew it wasn't normal.   

I missed out on many developmental opportunities growing up because I was scared of social situations.  I never went to camp.  I would hide out in the coat room during wedding receptions, or wait in the car for 2 or 3 hours, only taking breaks to go back inside and beg with mom and dad to leave.  I would pretend to be sick to avoid going to Sunday School.  I tried to avoid church related youth events our denomination held like Junior High Jam and Extreme Impact, although I had enough friends to drag me along to a couple of them.  I never went to a school dance.  I didn't go to CHIC when I was eligible (although I did work up enough courage to go the next time around because my birthday was right on the cut off date and I had that option), and I didn't go to CBC after I graduated like so many in our church did.

Wow, this is getting depressing.  Don't worry.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  This was just an introduction to SAD and the effect it had on my developmental years.  I'm much better now, as evidenced by the fact that I am actually blogging about it.  Keep following along in Introduction III B.