Down

Have you ever felt a little down in the dumps?

Right now there is a big thing, a medium thing, and a lot of little things that have me feeling down.

First, a guy I used to work with died in an accident.  I didn't know him too well, but I've known him for five years.  He's only a few years older than me.  It was a shock.  There are few people I know who I would describe as indestructible, but this guy seemed to be one of them.  I'm not in mourning because we were never really close but I am in shock.  Life seems so much more fragile now.  I have noticed I haven't been as up as I usually am.

I have a family member in an extremely stressful situation.  It's something that I can't really help resolve which frustrates me.  As a guy, I want to fix things, but all I can do right now is watch from a distance.  It is so frustrating watching my family member become so frustrated, heading for a self induced fall and not doing what it takes to make the situation better.

Work has become busier.  Longer shifts.  More awkward shifts.  Less time at home.  Less time for the little things in life I need to do.  I've missed church because of work.  I've missed youthgroup because of work.  I've missed C&C for 2 weeks because of work and now I'm going to miss tomorrow night as well.  I was supposed to help with worship.  I've been practicing all week and now I feel like something important to me is unavailable to me because of work.

My pastor just resigned.

My lawn was vandalized.

All these things seem to build on each other.  Taken bit by bit, I can deal with them.  But when they all happen at the same time I start to feel down.

Looking at what I've just written I think the common element in everything is the loss of control.  They are things that have happened beyond my control, that I want to change but can't.  And this has left me feeling kind of down.

Right now I'm sitting here wondering what to do.  Maybe nothing.  Maybe pray, I suppose.

Lord, please help.  Amen.

Busy

There has been a common thread weaving its way through many of my posts over the last 8 months or so.  Busy.  I see myself mentioning that word time and time again.  Even when I don't say that word it is definitely implied by the schedules I lay out or the infrequency of my posts.

So, I'm going to do something about it.

Entry to be continued...  (cuz I'm too busy to actually finish this up right now.)

...I'm back

In my old life I never had any extra-curriculars outside work and sometimes church (when I wasn't working).  In my new life there is work, church, C&C, worship practice for church and C&C, youth group, Sunday school and small group.  I also tend to be the grocery and gas guy as well as taking care of all the little day to day things around the house like minor repairs and bills and whatnot.  And after all that is done, I have my little side business that soaks up free time like a sponge.

The easy thing to do would be to simply cut things out of my schedule.  However I like the things I do.  To cut them out would solve my time issue but create new issues.  I suppose I can delegate a few things.  Unfortunately the person I would delegate some things to is busier than I am at the moment.  Those things will have to wait a month or so.  Next, I can pay someone to do the minor things around the house and work that I don't actually have to do.  In the battle of Time verses Money I am at a point in my life where I realize that time is more valuable.  Ok.  So far, so good.  I have been working on my efficiency in the things I need to do.  I co-ordinate my outings to get 3 or 4 things done at a time instead of staggering them throughout the day or week and losing a bunch of time for travel alone.

And I know I have time wasters in my life that I can cut back on.  The big one for me is news aggregates online.  I'm a bit of a news and political junkie and I can lose myself online for hours catching up on what is happening in the world.  So, I will limit my time online.  That will be a huge time saver (I say to myself as I blog online).  Video games used to be a huge time investment for me as well but I sold everything I had before Christmas.  That has definitely made a difference.


This is good.  I think this will help.
Any other suggestions?

Randoms

-Work has doubled night shifts on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  Those are the 2 nights I want off the most.  Through trades it is possible to get earlier shifts but it will create a lot of favours I will owe people in the future.  It may come to the point where I will have to choose between Tuesdays and Thursdays.  :(

-I'm not the kind of person that finds himself missing people.  However, I'm finding myself missing people.  Is this a good thing?  I don't know what to do about it.

-I don't journal and haven't blogged as often as I used to, or want to.  Work and life are incredibly busy.  I am going to focus my time on efficiency in hopes of having more free time to do the things that help me rest and recharge.

-I would like to get a dog.  My schedule disagrees.

-I wanted to get my motorbike licence this Summer.  I'll try next year.

-I'm scheduled to start teaching Sunday School at church soon.

-I haven't made a genuine meal in a long time.  It's been all boxes, cans, and microwaves.  I want to change that.

Anniversary

One year ago today I snapped.  I couldn't take the isolation and pointlessness in my life anymore and decided to put myself online for all to see.  Today is the one year anniversary of my blog, where I introduced myself to you, and the world.

A year ago today I pledged to change my life.  This blog was part of that.  I was going to share my self with others and accept others into my life.  I was going to allow God to flow more freely through my life.  I was going to make friends.  I was going to be involved.  I was going to use the gifts and abilities I had to benefit those in my life.  I was going to find a girlfriend.  Well, 5 outta 6 ain't bad.

I can't believe it has already been one year.  I didn't think life could be different than what I knew at the time, and now I know it will never be the same as it was.  I am moving forward in all the areas I mentioned above, sans the girlfriend, and life is good.  All it took was a conscious and determined effort to bring change and receive change and brave all my insecurities and fears.  My life is so good.  It is so much better than it was one year ago today.  I am really excited.

I have to say thank you to RF who was the first person I know to start a blog.  It inspired me.  Thanks for suggesting to me that I should start my own blog (about 10 years ago.  It's better late than never).

Thank you to my brother, the psychiatrist, who told me in a very professional and doctoral way I needed to get off my butt and do what I wanted to do, despite all my fears.  I needed that push.

Thanks to AS who modeled a Christian life to me that was different than the life I knew.  It inspired me.  It made me ask what was missing in my life.  It caused me to raise the bar.

Thanks to C&C which challenged me, and continues to challenge me, in different areas of my life.  It was through C&C I met so many great people and it was because of C&C I have experienced much of my growth.

And thank You God for the unending process in my life.  I am definitely not a finished product but I know You brought me from where I was and will take me to where I am going.

Thank you everyone who reads this and leaves comments, or doesn't.

Remember, you're still under orders to hug me.

C&C Retreat and Things

Dear Diary,

The last few weeks have been intense (intensely good).  As usual, I have been busy, but I seem to be finding the time to refresh my soul during my down times.

A few weeks ago I started helping with a junior high youth group in town.  It's been good.  There's a lot of new kids to meet but I'm surviving.  I am amazed at the deep conversations we've begun about things of a spiritual nature.  I pray that I can be a suitable role model to the kids.  Tuesday nights are important to me.  Unfortunately my work schedule sometimes conflicts with my Tuesday nights, and my Thursday nights.

On Thursday I helped with worship at C&C.  That was good.  I find it amazing that I can worship God, let alone lead others in worshiping God. It's not something I take lightly. I pray that I am invisible to everyone, that others only see God, and that my heart is right as I worship.  From a technical standpoint I enjoyed playing different styles of music with other proficient musicians.

Last week I went to the Maple Noise concert.  There were 10 bands including News Boys, TFK, Manafest, and Manic Drive.  Everyone was really great.  I was glad I went.  I discovered some new music and came home with a few autographed CDs.

And this weekend was our C&C retreat.  I was a bit nervous going into it.  Over 100 people retreating for the weekend.  Unlike C&C or church or anything like that there was no way to head home and recharge after a few hours.  It took me a while to adjust.  I kinda wish we had one more day simply because it took me until Sunday to climatize.  But is was good.  I have relived the weekend in my head a few times since then, processing it all.  I am glad I went.  I know God is continuing to do work in me and this weekend allowed me to be receptive to that.  I am still a work in process and I pray that what began there this weekend will continue on in life after the retreat.  I also got to know a few new people.  I can't say I went out and introduced myself to 50 new people but I met 4 or 5 new people and got to know a few people I already knew a little better.  From the socializing aspect, it was a success for me.

Thank You for the times of growth over the last few weeks.  Thank You for opportunities that have presented themselves to me.  Thank you for the successes I have experienced. Thank you for the obstacles that I will overcome.

Who I Am

I have slowly been discovering who I am.  Some things I fought against and other things I accepted.  There have been some changes over time but the core essence of who I am, who God made me to be, couldn't and shouldn't be changed.  Some of the things I struggled against I did not really need to struggle against at all.  And so, after all my years of discovering who I am, I think I am finally comfortable with who God made me.

Who am I?

I am a guy who loves music.  Growing up I never knew that was a part of me.  Our house didn't really listen to music (outside of Country Gospel) and we weren't really exposed to any other outside influences.  I was 13 before I ever touched a musical instrument, and that was out of curiosity.  Somehow it clicked.  And that was the beginning of my love of music.  Up until that point I knew no music theory, had no musical ability and did not even know who Led Zeppelin, Vivaldi, CCR or ACDC were.  All I "knew" was that Rock and Roll was evil.  That has all changed.  I am now a guitarist and a drummer and a very bad pianist.

I am a guy who loves kids.  Few things leave me as energized and pumped up as working with kids.  I want to teach and support and care and learn with the youth.  I sorta fell into it shortly after I graduated.  I was attending a bible school and the church board asked me if I wanted to teach Junior High Sunday School.  I was paired with an adult who would also be teaching.  I was nervous but said yes.  After 3 weeks the person I was paired with stepped back and I was teaching on my own.  As the kids grew into the high school age I started getting busy so I quit teaching.  However, one Sunday I noticed all the guys stacking chairs and doing dishes while all the other kids were in Sunday School.  I asked what was up they said there was no High School Sunday School teacher so they just did errands around the church until the service started.  And that's how I started teaching Senior High Sunday School.  After a few more years a church in Saskatoon approached my bible college looking for a youth pastor.  I was in the middle of my degree at the time.  They put me in contact with this church and one thing lead to another.  Soon after, I was their new youth leader.  I really didn't want to be called a pastor. That title carried a lot of expectations and I didn't feel worthy of that position.  My one condition was that I would be referred to as the youth guy, and for two years that was my official title.  After my first year leading the youth in Saskatoon and teaching Sunday School on weekends my former youth pastor from my church back home decided to return to the UK.  I was asked if I wanted to help lead the youth at my home church with a few other leaders.  I did.  For the next year I continued my schooling in PA on weekdays, lead youth group in PA on Fridays, drove to Saskatoon on Saturdays, lead youth group in the evenings, participated in worship Sunday mornings, taught Sunday School immediately afterward, went out for lunch with a family and then drove back to PA to start my week all over again.  I did that for a full year and never tired of it.  There is something in me that thrives when I work with youth. Whether I am 30 or 60 the youth are what make me tick.

I am a guy who loves business and economics.  That was one of the hardest things for me to accept.  The love of money is the root of all evil and all that, etc...  My problem is that I am very good with money.  It seems like a prideful thing to say but it is true.  All my life I was the guy who could take $1 and turn it into $2.  I'm not sure where my business instincts came from.  I suspect growing up in a family that could barely make ends meet influenced me to some extent.  I know I swore to myself around the age of 14 or so that I never wanted to be in the financial situation my parents were in.  My first memory of exhibiting some sort of business sense was at the age of 8 when our family and the neighbors had  a garage sale.  I remember them sitting on chairs waiting for people to come, and then waiting for people to buy things.  I remember thinking to myself, "you'll never sell anything that way."  So I went out and talked to people on the street and directed them up our driveway.  I then started showing them my toys and highlighting their finer points and telling them about what a great deal it was.  (Yes, the shy introvert actually interacted with strangers. It seems my business instincts over ruled my fears in this instance.)  I took one little boy aside and let him play with my toy jeep.  (The equivalent of a test drive.)  I told him if he liked it he should tell his mom to buy it for him.  He did.  She did.  I made $5.  I was an 8 year old used car salesman.  Remember, I was a kid who only had pocket change when I found it on the ground.  This idea of providing products or services to people in exchange for money was amazing to me.  And now, here I am organizing my finances to start a business which I suspect will be quite profitable.  I don't do it for the money.  It is about the enjoyment of the business.  I realize there are misconceptions about the kind of income that can be generated in the profession I am in.  I do ok financially but as a paid employee there have only been 3 years in the last 12 where I have earned more than minimum wage.  In fact, as a salaried employee there were times where I was earning less than minimum wage, and as a youth leader before that I was essentially volunteering for 2 years well below the poverty line.  My financial success has not come from the wages I have been paid.  It has come from the investments I have made and the businesses I have started.

I am a guy who likes time alone.  It took me a long time to realize that that is ok.  It's not that I'm shunning others, or ignoring them, or anything like that.  It's that I need to be alone with my thoughts on a regular basis.  I don't like to be reactive, I like to be proactive.  I do things intentionally and with a lot of foresight and planning.  My time alone prepares me for the times I will not be alone.

And that is who I am.
(Plus a lot of other things I didn't get around to mentioning at the moment.)

Changes

Dear Diary,

I have changed a lot in the last year.  Most of my changes started about 10 months ago and seemed to coincide with the creation of this blog (for reasons I'll discuss in a one year anniversary entry, I'm sure).

These changes have all been good.  It started with something inside me that needed change so bad it was willing to risk the safety of my bubble to go out into the world and experience what was missing.  I looked for external changes which in turn caused internal changes.  And now, almost one year later, I am changed.  I'm not saying I'm different than I was a year ago.  I'm saying I'm more myself than I was a year ago.  It feels really good to say that.

Change is frightening to me though.  The scariest part of leaving my bubble was the unknown.  I didn't know what was out there.  It may be be good.  It may be bad.  My problem was that I was too comfortable with the "known" to seek the "good".  I was too comfortable with being comfortable.  That seems to be the easiest rut to fall into, no matter what stage of life we are in.  And now there are changes coming up on the horizon and I am feeling just a little bit nervous again.  I am comfortable with this "good" I've found and maybe a little too comfortable to receive the "better" that just may be around the corner.  Whether I want to receive it or not, change is on the way.  It is an inevitable part of life.

C&C is about to change.  I am nervous about that.  C&C has been a very defining part of my life the last 10 months.  I was so nervous when I first came to C&C.  It took me weeks, or even months, to adjust to the new people and places and everything else that came with it.  After all my initial fears and resignations I am finally comfortable at C&C, and now C&C is going to change.  That is its nature.  If it didn't change, it wouldn't be the thing that I've come to appreciate.  Some people I know won't be there anymore.  Some people I don't know will start attending.  The make up of C&C is going to change and I'm not sure how I'll fit.  I will no longer be the new person being welcomed into the group.  I suppose I will now be welcoming the new people as part of the group.  However, it's still a group I don't feel 100% a part of yet.  I suppose it is fairly large and there's no way to be completely connected with everyone.  Maybe my niche within the group is good enough.  Nuts.  I want excellence.  I want greatness.  I want challenging and life changing.  I don't want to settle for merely good enough.

Anyway, that's how I'm feeling right now.  C&C starts up again this Thursday and I am incredibly excited, and just a little bit nervous.

Concerts

I'm not a big concert going guy, but I am a big fan of music.  In my life, I've only been to a few concerts.  However, in September I'm going to see three bands.  I thought I'd share some of their music with you.

Dancing

This will almost be like a session with a therapist for me.  One take.  Here we go.

I have a lot of mixed feelings when it comes to dancing.  I'm not really sure why.  When I say I have "feelings" that's really what I mean.  I have feelings about dancing, not really composed thoughts.  So I thought I would talk out my feelings and see where this takes me.

Sometimes I really hate dancing.  When people start dancing I get extremely uncomfortable.  And even though this sounds weird, I start to get resentful of the people who seem to be having a good time.  I actually get upset that they are having fun dancing and I feel stuck on the sidelines.  I wish I could actually dance like them but at the same time I don't want to join them.  I don't have any dance co-ordination and I don't know all those dances like it seems everyone else does.  It's odd to say I wish I could dance, and yet I don't want to dance.  I admit I had my tragic dance incident way back when I was 11 years old and maybe that has traumatized me to some extent.  I don't like being the center of attention and for some reason I feel that if I were to dance everyone would be staring at me.  Just the thought makes me nervous enough to start sweating.  I'd rather be the only one left on the side lines than dance with everyone else and feel like they were staring at me.  I often wonder if I could dance if I would feel differently.

And I have issues with my personal space and touching and being touched.  I am uncomfortable when I feel others are in my space.  But at the same time I like receiving hugs because in my mind it is a socially acceptable way to breach my bubble for at least a tiny moment in time.  Dancing seems to violate my personal space and my touching issues for way too long.

I suppose there's also some kind of romantic connotations to dancing as well.  Not that this always the case, but I am not comfortable asking females to dance because in my mind it implies something that I don't want implied. I know that isn't necessarily the case but that association seems to be stuck in my head for some reason.

And sometimes I like dancing.  I like the Napoleon Dynamite dance.  When I'm alone, or playing an instrument I tend to move to the music.  I don't know if that's considered dancing but that's about all the dancing I do.  To get a girl to notice me while in Bible College, I actually joined our dance troupe.  Talk about out of character.  I did ok with choreographed moves simply because I could practice them over and over and over until I was like a machine.  (I had to practice way more than the other members.  Dancing did not come easy for me.  I wonder if it was because I was so out of practice or if it was something else.)  And when I am stuck at those receptions where everyone is dancing and having a good time I am jealous.  I wish I could be like them.  I wish I could dance.

And then there's worship.  Some of the most beautiful things I've seen are people worshiping through dance.  I don't get it.  I can't do it.  I don't want to do it.  And yet there's something special there.  This may sound funny but I've actually tried to research dancing as worship just to understand it.  I still don't get it.

And then there's gatherings of friends.  One particular night most of the people I was hanging out with started dancing.  I was so uncomfortable.  Luckily there was another non-dancer in the group that kept me company on the sidelines.  It blew my mind how everyone actually seemed to want to dance.  It confused me.  Why would people want to do that?  Without exaggerating, I would rather go see the dentist than have to dance.  And yet there was a little part of me begging and pleading to be like them, almost wishing that they'd drag me along.  However, I'd probably resent them if they did.  Catch 22.  I don't even understand me.

So where does this leave me?  I don't know.  I wish I could dance.  Then, when I don't dance, at least it would be my choice.  That sounds stupid.  It doesn't even make sense to me and yet that's how I feel.  I like dance but it leaves me feeling resentful.  I don't understand why people dance.  Maybe if it made sense to me I'd "get it".  I prefer being a wallflower to dancing and yet I was in a dance troupe.  I don't know if this has helped me at all but at least I talked it out.  I'm reminded of the saying, "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt."  I've opened my mouth now and revealed my foolishness.  I guess this is convoluted enough to publish.

Awesome

My brother has been reading the Book of Awesome.  Although it's not my kind of reading, I gather what I'm about to write is similar to that book.

Life is really good.  Sometimes it's the big things that seem to make life grand.  Sometimes it's the little things that fill in the minutia of living.  Here is a collection of oddball things that make my life really good some times.

-music
-getting a string of green lights in a row while driving
-getting a promotion unexpectedly
-helping others
-hugs
-freshly vacuumed carpet
-the fresh smell after it rains
-freshly baked bread
-fresh pineapple
-wrapping myself in a towel straight from the dryer
-sunsets
-no mosquitoes
-ice cream
-friends
-true worship
-nice surprises
-sweating after a work out
-dancing (although not how you're probably thinking about it.  There's a post coming about this.)
-a clean bathroom
-smiles
-laughs
-bike riding
-snow boarding
-flying
-finding out my favourite band is coming to town
-stretching after waking up
-not waking up to an alarm clock
-shiny things
-learning something new
-reading
-writing
-creating
-thinking things
-praying
-sitting in the dark
-stars on summer nights
-the northern lights
-time alone
-time with friends
-unconditional love