Dancing

This will almost be like a session with a therapist for me.  One take.  Here we go.

I have a lot of mixed feelings when it comes to dancing.  I'm not really sure why.  When I say I have "feelings" that's really what I mean.  I have feelings about dancing, not really composed thoughts.  So I thought I would talk out my feelings and see where this takes me.

Sometimes I really hate dancing.  When people start dancing I get extremely uncomfortable.  And even though this sounds weird, I start to get resentful of the people who seem to be having a good time.  I actually get upset that they are having fun dancing and I feel stuck on the sidelines.  I wish I could actually dance like them but at the same time I don't want to join them.  I don't have any dance co-ordination and I don't know all those dances like it seems everyone else does.  It's odd to say I wish I could dance, and yet I don't want to dance.  I admit I had my tragic dance incident way back when I was 11 years old and maybe that has traumatized me to some extent.  I don't like being the center of attention and for some reason I feel that if I were to dance everyone would be staring at me.  Just the thought makes me nervous enough to start sweating.  I'd rather be the only one left on the side lines than dance with everyone else and feel like they were staring at me.  I often wonder if I could dance if I would feel differently.

And I have issues with my personal space and touching and being touched.  I am uncomfortable when I feel others are in my space.  But at the same time I like receiving hugs because in my mind it is a socially acceptable way to breach my bubble for at least a tiny moment in time.  Dancing seems to violate my personal space and my touching issues for way too long.

I suppose there's also some kind of romantic connotations to dancing as well.  Not that this always the case, but I am not comfortable asking females to dance because in my mind it implies something that I don't want implied. I know that isn't necessarily the case but that association seems to be stuck in my head for some reason.

And sometimes I like dancing.  I like the Napoleon Dynamite dance.  When I'm alone, or playing an instrument I tend to move to the music.  I don't know if that's considered dancing but that's about all the dancing I do.  To get a girl to notice me while in Bible College, I actually joined our dance troupe.  Talk about out of character.  I did ok with choreographed moves simply because I could practice them over and over and over until I was like a machine.  (I had to practice way more than the other members.  Dancing did not come easy for me.  I wonder if it was because I was so out of practice or if it was something else.)  And when I am stuck at those receptions where everyone is dancing and having a good time I am jealous.  I wish I could be like them.  I wish I could dance.

And then there's worship.  Some of the most beautiful things I've seen are people worshiping through dance.  I don't get it.  I can't do it.  I don't want to do it.  And yet there's something special there.  This may sound funny but I've actually tried to research dancing as worship just to understand it.  I still don't get it.

And then there's gatherings of friends.  One particular night most of the people I was hanging out with started dancing.  I was so uncomfortable.  Luckily there was another non-dancer in the group that kept me company on the sidelines.  It blew my mind how everyone actually seemed to want to dance.  It confused me.  Why would people want to do that?  Without exaggerating, I would rather go see the dentist than have to dance.  And yet there was a little part of me begging and pleading to be like them, almost wishing that they'd drag me along.  However, I'd probably resent them if they did.  Catch 22.  I don't even understand me.

So where does this leave me?  I don't know.  I wish I could dance.  Then, when I don't dance, at least it would be my choice.  That sounds stupid.  It doesn't even make sense to me and yet that's how I feel.  I like dance but it leaves me feeling resentful.  I don't understand why people dance.  Maybe if it made sense to me I'd "get it".  I prefer being a wallflower to dancing and yet I was in a dance troupe.  I don't know if this has helped me at all but at least I talked it out.  I'm reminded of the saying, "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt."  I've opened my mouth now and revealed my foolishness.  I guess this is convoluted enough to publish.