Changes

Dear Diary,

I have changed a lot in the last year.  Most of my changes started about 10 months ago and seemed to coincide with the creation of this blog (for reasons I'll discuss in a one year anniversary entry, I'm sure).

These changes have all been good.  It started with something inside me that needed change so bad it was willing to risk the safety of my bubble to go out into the world and experience what was missing.  I looked for external changes which in turn caused internal changes.  And now, almost one year later, I am changed.  I'm not saying I'm different than I was a year ago.  I'm saying I'm more myself than I was a year ago.  It feels really good to say that.

Change is frightening to me though.  The scariest part of leaving my bubble was the unknown.  I didn't know what was out there.  It may be be good.  It may be bad.  My problem was that I was too comfortable with the "known" to seek the "good".  I was too comfortable with being comfortable.  That seems to be the easiest rut to fall into, no matter what stage of life we are in.  And now there are changes coming up on the horizon and I am feeling just a little bit nervous again.  I am comfortable with this "good" I've found and maybe a little too comfortable to receive the "better" that just may be around the corner.  Whether I want to receive it or not, change is on the way.  It is an inevitable part of life.

C&C is about to change.  I am nervous about that.  C&C has been a very defining part of my life the last 10 months.  I was so nervous when I first came to C&C.  It took me weeks, or even months, to adjust to the new people and places and everything else that came with it.  After all my initial fears and resignations I am finally comfortable at C&C, and now C&C is going to change.  That is its nature.  If it didn't change, it wouldn't be the thing that I've come to appreciate.  Some people I know won't be there anymore.  Some people I don't know will start attending.  The make up of C&C is going to change and I'm not sure how I'll fit.  I will no longer be the new person being welcomed into the group.  I suppose I will now be welcoming the new people as part of the group.  However, it's still a group I don't feel 100% a part of yet.  I suppose it is fairly large and there's no way to be completely connected with everyone.  Maybe my niche within the group is good enough.  Nuts.  I want excellence.  I want greatness.  I want challenging and life changing.  I don't want to settle for merely good enough.

Anyway, that's how I'm feeling right now.  C&C starts up again this Thursday and I am incredibly excited, and just a little bit nervous.