Today was good. I was at work by 7am. Church at 8:30 am for worship practice. Church from 10 to 11am. Work, again, by 11:30 am. Finished work at 9pm. Home by 9:30pm. Things happened today that would normally upset or sadden me. I'll call those things posts from my past life and yet I feel happy. I feel refreshed. I feel good, like I haven't felt for the last part of the week. Why? I can't say for sure. However, today I worshiped God. Today I prayed. Today I was in church with other believers. Was that it? I can't say for sure. I had reasons today to be more down than I have been lately and yet they haven't seemed to affect me. I'm just a little confused. The one thing I know is God is good. And I'm doing pretty good myself.
I just thought I would share.
-Clinton
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Happy Clint
I'm typing as I think my thoughts so I apologize for the unedited chaos that's about to follow.
I'm still going through a bit of a low right now, which is unusual for me. In fact, I'm usually so happy my nick name at my last job was Happy Clint. I am generally positive and upbeat but right now that's not how I feel. I try not to put too much stock in feelings because they can fluctuate for no reason whatsoever. (Although they still are a barometer of how things are going in my life.) Maybe it's the weather, or lack of sleep or something else but I feel blah. I'm trying to figure this out.
Wednesday was the first Wednesday without our book study. That's part of it. The weather has been grey and cloudy lately. That's part of it too. I haven't really talked with my friend AH lately and that could be a contributing factor. My brother has been very busy and so I haven't seen him as much as I would like either. I think I'm feeling lonely.
It's weird for me to say I'm feeling lonely because I actually like plenty of alone time. For me, being alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely. However, it's been said that no one feels lonelier than in a crowd. That is true for me, and I have been in a lot of "crowds" lately. When I am alone I am not usually aware of what is lacking. However, when I am with a group of people, and I see everyone connecting and relating, I notice what is missing in my life. I am jealous of those people who always have a group to hang out with. Everyone is a friend. They can have a get together and 50 people show up. Sometimes I wish that was me.
This last week or so I have been getting involved with every group I can find. Prayer groups. Solitude groups. Youth groups. College and Career groups. Book groups. Volunteer groups. Worship groups. And the funny thing is, all this time with people has made me realize how lonely I feel. I am still searching for a place I feel I fit, and I am still searching for friends. I don't know if I've found it yet. I don't want to run away from the groups I have been a part of though. I said previously that it takes me a long time to make friends. I need to continue to participate in these groups, although, in a weird sort of way, I think attending these functions just reminds me how lonely I feel. Will things change? I hope so.
I went to C&C last night. It was good, again. The worship meets me where I am at. The people are great, and yet at the end of the night, that's when I find I feel loneliest. Sometimes I feel like a stranger among a group of friends. I need to push through. It's too easy to run away. That's what I've always done before and I don't want to do it anymore. It's weird that chasing the thing I desire is what seems to create the feeling I despise.
Things will get better though. When I need nourishment, I get hungry. When I need sleep, I get tired. I suppose when I need relationships, I get lonely. God has designed us to pick up on the signals we need to keep us healthy. Maybe my loneliness is a good thing. I'm finally desiring something that has been so scarce in my life for too long. I just wish it didn't have to be so hard to make friends.
And so I continue in my quest to bring back Happy Clint.
I'm still going through a bit of a low right now, which is unusual for me. In fact, I'm usually so happy my nick name at my last job was Happy Clint. I am generally positive and upbeat but right now that's not how I feel. I try not to put too much stock in feelings because they can fluctuate for no reason whatsoever. (Although they still are a barometer of how things are going in my life.) Maybe it's the weather, or lack of sleep or something else but I feel blah. I'm trying to figure this out.
Wednesday was the first Wednesday without our book study. That's part of it. The weather has been grey and cloudy lately. That's part of it too. I haven't really talked with my friend AH lately and that could be a contributing factor. My brother has been very busy and so I haven't seen him as much as I would like either. I think I'm feeling lonely.
It's weird for me to say I'm feeling lonely because I actually like plenty of alone time. For me, being alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely. However, it's been said that no one feels lonelier than in a crowd. That is true for me, and I have been in a lot of "crowds" lately. When I am alone I am not usually aware of what is lacking. However, when I am with a group of people, and I see everyone connecting and relating, I notice what is missing in my life. I am jealous of those people who always have a group to hang out with. Everyone is a friend. They can have a get together and 50 people show up. Sometimes I wish that was me.
This last week or so I have been getting involved with every group I can find. Prayer groups. Solitude groups. Youth groups. College and Career groups. Book groups. Volunteer groups. Worship groups. And the funny thing is, all this time with people has made me realize how lonely I feel. I am still searching for a place I feel I fit, and I am still searching for friends. I don't know if I've found it yet. I don't want to run away from the groups I have been a part of though. I said previously that it takes me a long time to make friends. I need to continue to participate in these groups, although, in a weird sort of way, I think attending these functions just reminds me how lonely I feel. Will things change? I hope so.
I went to C&C last night. It was good, again. The worship meets me where I am at. The people are great, and yet at the end of the night, that's when I find I feel loneliest. Sometimes I feel like a stranger among a group of friends. I need to push through. It's too easy to run away. That's what I've always done before and I don't want to do it anymore. It's weird that chasing the thing I desire is what seems to create the feeling I despise.
Things will get better though. When I need nourishment, I get hungry. When I need sleep, I get tired. I suppose when I need relationships, I get lonely. God has designed us to pick up on the signals we need to keep us healthy. Maybe my loneliness is a good thing. I'm finally desiring something that has been so scarce in my life for too long. I just wish it didn't have to be so hard to make friends.
And so I continue in my quest to bring back Happy Clint.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Happy Song
Sometimes you just have to play the Happy Song really loud and dance.
I was feeling kinda sad the last couple days. One reason is the end of the book study I have been involved in.
First, I have to go backtrack a little bit. For the last few years I have been working in remote communities in Northern Canada. It was good, but it was isolated. For an introvert like me that's not a huge deal, but I did feel spiritually dry and somewhat lonely some times. I tried to make an effort to go to church or see some friends on my time off in the south, but it was rare. Several months ago I took a new job with a different company which allows me to actually live in the place I call home. It lets me be involved with things I couldn't be involved with while working in the north. Church is awesome. I never appreciated how much it means to me or how my life with Jesus is dramatically enhanced through it. And I am starting to appreciate people. For too long everyone was a stranger to me, but now I actually have time to spend with people. I didn't realize what I was missing out on until I came back south and saw all the relationships and friends everyone seems to have. It blew me away because that is something I have not had for a very long time.
The book study I have been a part of the last 6 weeks was the first thing I have been involved with in years. It was a time of learning and sharing, but it also contained social elements that I haven't experienced in quite a while. It was the place I first started connecting with people in the church. It holds a special place in my life because of what it became to me. Now that it's over I feel a little sad. It was a good place for me to be. I never realized how alone I had let myself become up north, until I returned to the south and experienced what gathering with other Christians could be like. This study group helped me a lot, simply by allowing me to socialize with people on a regular basis, which is not something I do too often. I will miss it.
Now is not the time to be sad though. One chapter may be ending but hopefully a new one is beginning with C&C. It's a new opportunity for me. I hope it will allow me to continue my growth, closer to God and closer to people. I pray that I will make friends. It's been a while since I could say I've made true friends.
And tonight I felt like playing the Happy Song and dancing. So I did. You should too.
I was feeling kinda sad the last couple days. One reason is the end of the book study I have been involved in.
First, I have to go backtrack a little bit. For the last few years I have been working in remote communities in Northern Canada. It was good, but it was isolated. For an introvert like me that's not a huge deal, but I did feel spiritually dry and somewhat lonely some times. I tried to make an effort to go to church or see some friends on my time off in the south, but it was rare. Several months ago I took a new job with a different company which allows me to actually live in the place I call home. It lets me be involved with things I couldn't be involved with while working in the north. Church is awesome. I never appreciated how much it means to me or how my life with Jesus is dramatically enhanced through it. And I am starting to appreciate people. For too long everyone was a stranger to me, but now I actually have time to spend with people. I didn't realize what I was missing out on until I came back south and saw all the relationships and friends everyone seems to have. It blew me away because that is something I have not had for a very long time.
The book study I have been a part of the last 6 weeks was the first thing I have been involved with in years. It was a time of learning and sharing, but it also contained social elements that I haven't experienced in quite a while. It was the place I first started connecting with people in the church. It holds a special place in my life because of what it became to me. Now that it's over I feel a little sad. It was a good place for me to be. I never realized how alone I had let myself become up north, until I returned to the south and experienced what gathering with other Christians could be like. This study group helped me a lot, simply by allowing me to socialize with people on a regular basis, which is not something I do too often. I will miss it.
Now is not the time to be sad though. One chapter may be ending but hopefully a new one is beginning with C&C. It's a new opportunity for me. I hope it will allow me to continue my growth, closer to God and closer to people. I pray that I will make friends. It's been a while since I could say I've made true friends.
And tonight I felt like playing the Happy Song and dancing. So I did. You should too.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Week In Review
Dear Diary,
I believe the cardinal rule of blogging is to keep entries concise. I've probably broken that rule a couple times already. This entry will definitely break that rule again.
I had an amazing week. I am so tired. Remember, an extrovert draws energy from being around people while an introvert exerts energy being around people? Well, I was around a lot of people this week and I am tired. That's not to say I didn't like being around all these great people. I did. It's just now I have to recharge my batteries for the next round.
Monday night I went to a jewelry party. I was the only guy among 25 women. It was... interesting, but good. You can find out more about it at Night Light International. The whole purpose is to generate awareness and earn money for an industry aimed at helping women and girls escape the sex trade industry in Thailand. Please visit the site and do what you can.
Wednesday night was our final book study. We kinda went off on a tangent and didn't focus on the book so much but more on the things people are going through in their lives. It was good. It was really good. When I started attending this book study a month or so ago, I was with a group of strangers. When we ended on Wednesday I was with friends. The seeds of genuine friendship were planted. I pray that they grow into something special. It is not often that this happens in my life.
I also had the option of a one on one music practice for worship that night but I declined. I'm not the greatest musician but I didn't really need the extra practice. This week I have been focusing on genuinely getting to know people and if I called the extra practice it would have been with the ulterior motive of getting to know that person, not to really practice. I didn't want to take advantage of worship just to hang out with someone.
Thursday was also great, and somewhat scary for me. I went to a totally new College and Career group. But first I had to work. I didn't finish until 7:15pm and they meet at 7:30pm. My brain was fighting me on this one.
You're going to be late. Maybe you shouldn't go.
I went anyway. I was only a minute or two late and people were still arriving.
I was expecting 20 to 30 people. There were 50 cars in the parking lot.
There's too many people. You'll get lost in the crowd. You won't meet anyone. This isn't a good idea.
I parked and went inside any way. There were about 100 people there.
Wow! There's even more people here than you thought. If you turned around right now no one would notice. It's not too late.
I stayed. I went up to the first group of people I saw and introduced myself. They were great. They smiled. They talked with me. They introduced themselves. I know this sounds sad but I was expecting to be ignored or rejected or something like that. This was one of those times I had to work at not letting old thoughts from my previous life come back. Some day, I pray, I will be more confident and better adjusted. I'm getting there. Thursday was a good step in that direction. Several really great things happened that night. I met CI. I've been chatting with him online and talked with him once on the phone over the last week as I was looking into C&C groups in the city. He is recovering from surgery and I didn't think he'd be there, but he was. It felt good to chat in person. CI is the guy I was planning to meet for "coffee" on Friday. And I ran into AS. AS is the person who wrote the note I quoted in an earlier post and the person who was leading worship on Sunday. We talked a bit. It was good. And I had a chance to have a substantial talk with another person at the group who I just met. Things turned out really great. Sometimes I regret missing out on these opportunities years ago when I was in my self imposed isolation, but more overpowering is the feeling of gratitude I have for the opportunity to experience them now. It really is hard for me to put into words how good this night was for me. And of course, we sung How Deep the Father's Love. Yep, I got a little teary eyed. It feels like this song is stalking me, in a good way.
On Friday morning I went to the 7am prayer meeting. It was just me and two other guys. It's difficult for me to explain what this time meant to me. I have said previously I find it easier to relate to females than males. Part of that is simply because my dad was not around a lot growing up. Don't think poorly of him. I will write another entry explaining my relationship with my dad. However, even to this day, I feel somewhat awkward hanging around with guys/men simply because I did not really do that during my developmental years with anyone. Anyway, it was a new experience for me praying with other men, and ya, we had a box of kleenex handy. It was required.
After our time of prayer I hung around the church practicing for worship on stage, playing my guitar and the church's piano. It's been a long time since I've done anything like that. It truly was a time of worship for me.
At 10am I went and visited with CI at his place. He is such a great guy. We chatted about superficial stuff and deep stuff and home repairs. Somehow, it was just what I needed.
I mentioned that I am somewhat uncomfortable hanging out with "the guys" and yet this day was all about me hanging out with "the guys" and it was good. Godly guys are good. Maybe this whole day was a divine appointment, a day of God's purpose.
And finally Sunday arrived. We met at the church to practice at 8:30am. I had the opportunity to chat with RS and LN. It's funny because we've seen each other around the church for a long time, but have never actually talked. And it was good. They are great people. I can't believe I've deprived myself of knowing them for so long just by being somewhat shy. Practice was good. Church was good. Worship was good. I only teared up once and I doubt anyone noticed. After the service I talked with AS and CS and RH and a lot of other people and it was all good. Once again, I find it hard to put into words how special it was for me to help with the worship team. It meant more to me than I think anyone is really aware. I may do a separate post on that some day.
So, to sum up the last 8 or 9 days... It was good.
-Clinton
I believe the cardinal rule of blogging is to keep entries concise. I've probably broken that rule a couple times already. This entry will definitely break that rule again.
I had an amazing week. I am so tired. Remember, an extrovert draws energy from being around people while an introvert exerts energy being around people? Well, I was around a lot of people this week and I am tired. That's not to say I didn't like being around all these great people. I did. It's just now I have to recharge my batteries for the next round.
Monday night I went to a jewelry party. I was the only guy among 25 women. It was... interesting, but good. You can find out more about it at Night Light International. The whole purpose is to generate awareness and earn money for an industry aimed at helping women and girls escape the sex trade industry in Thailand. Please visit the site and do what you can.
Wednesday night was our final book study. We kinda went off on a tangent and didn't focus on the book so much but more on the things people are going through in their lives. It was good. It was really good. When I started attending this book study a month or so ago, I was with a group of strangers. When we ended on Wednesday I was with friends. The seeds of genuine friendship were planted. I pray that they grow into something special. It is not often that this happens in my life.
I also had the option of a one on one music practice for worship that night but I declined. I'm not the greatest musician but I didn't really need the extra practice. This week I have been focusing on genuinely getting to know people and if I called the extra practice it would have been with the ulterior motive of getting to know that person, not to really practice. I didn't want to take advantage of worship just to hang out with someone.
Thursday was also great, and somewhat scary for me. I went to a totally new College and Career group. But first I had to work. I didn't finish until 7:15pm and they meet at 7:30pm. My brain was fighting me on this one.
You're going to be late. Maybe you shouldn't go.
I went anyway. I was only a minute or two late and people were still arriving.
I was expecting 20 to 30 people. There were 50 cars in the parking lot.
There's too many people. You'll get lost in the crowd. You won't meet anyone. This isn't a good idea.
I parked and went inside any way. There were about 100 people there.
Wow! There's even more people here than you thought. If you turned around right now no one would notice. It's not too late.
I stayed. I went up to the first group of people I saw and introduced myself. They were great. They smiled. They talked with me. They introduced themselves. I know this sounds sad but I was expecting to be ignored or rejected or something like that. This was one of those times I had to work at not letting old thoughts from my previous life come back. Some day, I pray, I will be more confident and better adjusted. I'm getting there. Thursday was a good step in that direction. Several really great things happened that night. I met CI. I've been chatting with him online and talked with him once on the phone over the last week as I was looking into C&C groups in the city. He is recovering from surgery and I didn't think he'd be there, but he was. It felt good to chat in person. CI is the guy I was planning to meet for "coffee" on Friday. And I ran into AS. AS is the person who wrote the note I quoted in an earlier post and the person who was leading worship on Sunday. We talked a bit. It was good. And I had a chance to have a substantial talk with another person at the group who I just met. Things turned out really great. Sometimes I regret missing out on these opportunities years ago when I was in my self imposed isolation, but more overpowering is the feeling of gratitude I have for the opportunity to experience them now. It really is hard for me to put into words how good this night was for me. And of course, we sung How Deep the Father's Love. Yep, I got a little teary eyed. It feels like this song is stalking me, in a good way.
On Friday morning I went to the 7am prayer meeting. It was just me and two other guys. It's difficult for me to explain what this time meant to me. I have said previously I find it easier to relate to females than males. Part of that is simply because my dad was not around a lot growing up. Don't think poorly of him. I will write another entry explaining my relationship with my dad. However, even to this day, I feel somewhat awkward hanging around with guys/men simply because I did not really do that during my developmental years with anyone. Anyway, it was a new experience for me praying with other men, and ya, we had a box of kleenex handy. It was required.
After our time of prayer I hung around the church practicing for worship on stage, playing my guitar and the church's piano. It's been a long time since I've done anything like that. It truly was a time of worship for me.
At 10am I went and visited with CI at his place. He is such a great guy. We chatted about superficial stuff and deep stuff and home repairs. Somehow, it was just what I needed.
I mentioned that I am somewhat uncomfortable hanging out with "the guys" and yet this day was all about me hanging out with "the guys" and it was good. Godly guys are good. Maybe this whole day was a divine appointment, a day of God's purpose.
And finally Sunday arrived. We met at the church to practice at 8:30am. I had the opportunity to chat with RS and LN. It's funny because we've seen each other around the church for a long time, but have never actually talked. And it was good. They are great people. I can't believe I've deprived myself of knowing them for so long just by being somewhat shy. Practice was good. Church was good. Worship was good. I only teared up once and I doubt anyone noticed. After the service I talked with AS and CS and RH and a lot of other people and it was all good. Once again, I find it hard to put into words how special it was for me to help with the worship team. It meant more to me than I think anyone is really aware. I may do a separate post on that some day.
So, to sum up the last 8 or 9 days... It was good.
-Clinton
Saturday, November 6, 2010
This Blog
I've been thinking about this blog again. I've gone back and reread everything from the beginning. I think it's interesting the direction it's gone. There's a lot about me that doesn't appear at all, and that wasn't intentional, that's just how it has unfolded so far. For instance I follow politics, like football (Go Riders!), was pulling for Josh Hamilton and the Rangers to win the World Series, take pictures all the time (although only with my cell phone cuz my camera died), and journal incessantly. I don't think I've really mentioned any of that. Interesting.
My question, for me, and you too, I guess, is how personal do I allow this blog to be? Last night, I felt, was pretty personal. My eyes were burning tears as I wrote. I wonder if it is good to be this open, online anyway. However, there's few places in my life where I feel I can be this open in person. Once again, carry over from my younger years. And there's other things I want to discuss as well which are generally of a personal nature that I haven't touched at all yet. Should I? Is it too much of me? Is it too much for you? What could the repercussions be further down the road?
Also, no person is an island. Eventually I will probably talk about people in my life more often. I don't want to spread people's names around the internet or disclose anything they may not want so I will continue to keep people as anonymous as I can.
I guess I will always try to stay true to my mission statement. "To allow you to know me."
My question, for me, and you too, I guess, is how personal do I allow this blog to be? Last night, I felt, was pretty personal. My eyes were burning tears as I wrote. I wonder if it is good to be this open, online anyway. However, there's few places in my life where I feel I can be this open in person. Once again, carry over from my younger years. And there's other things I want to discuss as well which are generally of a personal nature that I haven't touched at all yet. Should I? Is it too much of me? Is it too much for you? What could the repercussions be further down the road?
Also, no person is an island. Eventually I will probably talk about people in my life more often. I don't want to spread people's names around the internet or disclose anything they may not want so I will continue to keep people as anonymous as I can.
I guess I will always try to stay true to my mission statement. "To allow you to know me."
Thoughts Too Big To Handle
I'll begin by saying I'm tired. I probably shouldn't make entries when I'm this exhausted, but I think any inhibitions I may have when I am in a more lucid state are gone when I'm practically asleep. This is an important thought I don't want to butcher, but I can't let it percolate in my head much longer.
Sometimes I feel like Oskar Schindler, at the end of Schindler's List. As the war rages Oskar looks at his ring and his car and breaks down. For the cost of his car and his ring, he could have "bought" lives to save from the Nazis. Sometimes I feel like that. I have too much. When I look at my possessions and realize that the money I paid for them could have gone to save a life, I hurt. Now, I tend to be a minimalist and try to fight the materialism that is so rampant everywhere, but it's still there. How many times have I changed the channel when someone is asking for a dollar a day to save the life of a child? I am very aware of all the problems in the world and yet what have I done about it? Not much. This frustrates me so much. I know I close it out. Sometimes it feels like all the problems in the world are like a tidal wave bearing down on me. What can I possibly do to prevent any of it? I feel so helpless and useless. And I think my response, like most others, is to block it all out.
I'm scared to care. I'm scared to do anything. I feel like if I were to open myself up to even a tiny portion of these issues, the flood gates will open and I will be drowned in the pain of the world. And I know that's wrong. I get frustrated with stupid things I let steal my attention, like meeting new people, when I should be focusing on these other issues. I came across a note on facebook that said what I want to say much better than I can say it right now. It basically triggered me to write this entry. I just can't keep it inside anymore. I had to read it several times over to absorb it. If I can get permission, I'll quote it below sometime.
My answer is to go to God. And that's scarier than anything else because God may just reply. I am praying right now, "Lord, please use me. Equip me or do whatever you have to do to help me do your will. Help me help the world. Help me show Your love. Help me reflect Jesus in all I do. Help me care. Please. In Jesus name I ask this, amen."
Update: Here's the note
Sometimes I feel like Oskar Schindler, at the end of Schindler's List. As the war rages Oskar looks at his ring and his car and breaks down. For the cost of his car and his ring, he could have "bought" lives to save from the Nazis. Sometimes I feel like that. I have too much. When I look at my possessions and realize that the money I paid for them could have gone to save a life, I hurt. Now, I tend to be a minimalist and try to fight the materialism that is so rampant everywhere, but it's still there. How many times have I changed the channel when someone is asking for a dollar a day to save the life of a child? I am very aware of all the problems in the world and yet what have I done about it? Not much. This frustrates me so much. I know I close it out. Sometimes it feels like all the problems in the world are like a tidal wave bearing down on me. What can I possibly do to prevent any of it? I feel so helpless and useless. And I think my response, like most others, is to block it all out.
I'm scared to care. I'm scared to do anything. I feel like if I were to open myself up to even a tiny portion of these issues, the flood gates will open and I will be drowned in the pain of the world. And I know that's wrong. I get frustrated with stupid things I let steal my attention, like meeting new people, when I should be focusing on these other issues. I came across a note on facebook that said what I want to say much better than I can say it right now. It basically triggered me to write this entry. I just can't keep it inside anymore. I had to read it several times over to absorb it. If I can get permission, I'll quote it below sometime.
My answer is to go to God. And that's scarier than anything else because God may just reply. I am praying right now, "Lord, please use me. Equip me or do whatever you have to do to help me do your will. Help me help the world. Help me show Your love. Help me reflect Jesus in all I do. Help me care. Please. In Jesus name I ask this, amen."
Update: Here's the note
Courtesy of ASOur world is a mess.
Jesus, where are you?Why can't you still be here? On this earth. With us. As flesh and blood. You could heal and help and love. Come, Jesus, come.
Tragedy. Cancer slowly defeats so many. Health problems take over our bodies. Mental states deteriorate. Diseases claim innocent lives. Death is so real.Jesus, where are you? Why can't you be here?
Suffering. Loneliness overwhelms lost souls. Hopelessness feeds grief. Broken hearts depend on anti-depressants. Women hate themselves because of abuse; hate is all they know. Pain suffocates children before they know what hit them. Anger causes unthinkable actions. Countries are at war. Peers are at war. Alcohol, drugs, sex, darkness, is what we turn to for fulfillment. Created things are worshiped more passionately than their Creator. Sin is a game. Evil is something to delight in. Judgment for the sinners...by other sinners. The wronged are merciless.Jesus, where are you? Why can't you be here?
Desperation. Poverty consumes most of the world. A hungry man dies on the street corner while a family nearby throws out leftovers. A cold child freezes to death while the house across the road has two empty beds. The richest 20% of the world lives on 75% of the world's income. Every second child is bound by poverty. Natural disasters wipe out what is left of the poorest countries. It is not fair.Jesus, where are you? Why can't you be here?
Lies blind us. Fear paralyzes us. Pride deafens us. Comfortableness cripples us. Apathy misleads us. Judgment condemns us. Selfishness consumes us.Jesus, where are you? Why can't you be here?
I am. I am in you. Step up.My Spirit is with the Church. Step up.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Things
Dear Diary,
I have my list of songs for worship on Sunday. Wouldn't you know it, the list includes How Deep The Father's Love, among others. I can barely make it through practicing alone in my bedroom without tearing up. I get the feeling I'm going to be crying all Sunday service. Nuts. I will try to hide behind the piano. I'm not much of an upfront kind of person any way. Given the option, I'd rather be behind the scenes. I'm still excited.
And tonight I go to a new College and Career group. I don't know anyone there. I will be honest, I am a little nervous. I'm still not a fan of meeting strangers, but I am a fan of making friends. Like Chief Wiggum sings, "A stranger's just a friend you haven't met." Wish me luck. Or, better yet, please pray for me. It feels so awkward to ask for prayer to meet people at a C&C or even that I don't cause a distraction during worship on Sunday, but that's what I'm asking for.
And finally, I have found out there is a prayer group that meets at church Friday morning at 7am. I am going. I don't want to spread myself too thin, but I am seriously searching for places where I feel I fit, in life in general, and my Christian life in particular, and I want to be there.
Clinton
I have my list of songs for worship on Sunday. Wouldn't you know it, the list includes How Deep The Father's Love, among others. I can barely make it through practicing alone in my bedroom without tearing up. I get the feeling I'm going to be crying all Sunday service. Nuts. I will try to hide behind the piano. I'm not much of an upfront kind of person any way. Given the option, I'd rather be behind the scenes. I'm still excited.
And tonight I go to a new College and Career group. I don't know anyone there. I will be honest, I am a little nervous. I'm still not a fan of meeting strangers, but I am a fan of making friends. Like Chief Wiggum sings, "A stranger's just a friend you haven't met." Wish me luck. Or, better yet, please pray for me. It feels so awkward to ask for prayer to meet people at a C&C or even that I don't cause a distraction during worship on Sunday, but that's what I'm asking for.
And finally, I have found out there is a prayer group that meets at church Friday morning at 7am. I am going. I don't want to spread myself too thin, but I am seriously searching for places where I feel I fit, in life in general, and my Christian life in particular, and I want to be there.
Clinton
Enough
I have found myself singing, humming, thinking of this song all week. And, maybe it was a dream or a pseudo-memory, but I think I woke up singing this song recently too. I thought I would share it with you.
Monday, November 1, 2010
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