Sunday, April 8, 2012
Monday, April 2, 2012
Leftovers
For those of you who know me, you may be surprised that this entry is not about food. However, I am sure some food posts will appear on this blog eventually.
Let me just say that for every entry I post online, I usually have about 5 that never see the light of day. This is one of those posts that finally made the cut. But that's still not why I titled it Leftovers.
I know I have written a lot about my issues with social anxiety in the past. I don't feel the need to refer to it too much any more because it is in the past. I feel like it is conquered. It is now part of the history of me, not the present, and definitely not the future.
Having said all that, I realize that there are some leftovers from my past that still show up occasionally. (See, that's where the title comes from ;) )
I'm sure we all have those little hangers-on from our past, whether we know it or not. The best way I know how to describe it is to tell you about my first dog, Puddles. I was just shy of 3 years old when Puddles passed away but I remember him. He was a rescued dog. His previous owners were not the best, and from my understanding, their kids were quite mean to him. I remember he always ran away from me. I could never pet him. He wouldn't let me. Whenever I raised my hand he instinctively dropped his head and backed away. Even though he was free of his abusive past, his habits carried on in his new life. And in some ways that's me too. My past is my past but I still carry a few of those previous habits (or "feelings") with me in my new life. At least I am aware of them, so I can make the effort to change them.
(Refresher for everyone who doesn't know what I went through as a kid. I suffered from Social Anxiety Phobia. The best way to describe it is a fear of always being judged and scrutinized, and ultimately rejected. My method of survival was to try and not be noticed. If I could hide in the background no one would focus on me. If I didn't make friends or talk to strangers I couldn't be rejected. That was my life for too long. That is not my life now. The following are some of the leftovers from my past.)
Dancing: I can't even describe how terrified I am of dancing. I know it doesn't make sense. I may as well be scared of balloons. No offence to sufferers of Globophobia. My entire life I hid from dancing and dances. It just seemed too noticeable. I was terrified of being in the spot light (and thus be judged and rejected). However, even to this day, even if I am around friends and family, people who would never judge or reject me, I get this overwhelming sense of dread if I think I may have to do anything dance related. Even seeing other people dance makes me uncomfortable. It's a very Pavlovian reaction. I am going to work on overcoming this fear, unfortunately. I'm pretty sure I can't avoid dancing for the rest of my life.
Clapping or doing actions to a song: Those are just cousins of dancing. They may as well be the same thing. Hand dancing. Here's a tiny confession. I was extremely uncomfortable during VBS last summer during the open session in the morning because all the songs had actions. As a leader I was expected to do them. I forced myself. It was horrible. And yet nothing bad came of it. Everything that I associate with "dancing" like judgement and rejection did not happen. Maybe it was a good thing? Either way, I felt extremely exposed and vulnerable during those 5 minutes.
Touching: I have a very big personal bubble. You know those touchy-feely people that have no personal space? They terrify me. I know, weird. I think it is because touching connotates a level of intimacy and intimacy was something I had instinctively avoided as a part of my defense mechanism. (Side note: Dancing involves touching. Double Whammy!) My immediate reaction to touching, almost like a reflex action, is to pull away or recoil. That has created some very awkward situations. Ha ha. Oh could I tell stories. But I won't. Even to this day I associate touching with something awkward and uncomfortable and I react accordingly. I know in my head there's nothing wrong with it but I still go through a weird series of "feelings" when I touch someone or am touched by someone. I imagine this is similar to people who have been abused in the past. I'm ok with hand shakes, and have been working my way through hugging over the last few years. It's a slow process. A prolonged hand on my shoulder sends shivers down my spine. I know that can't be normal. I'm working on it. As a result of my personal space issues I associate touching with deep levels of intimacy. I don't know how to explain that rationally, but that's the thing with all these leftovers. They aren't rational. To me, a hand shake is just a hand shake, but a hug carries a lot more meaning to it than just a hug. A kiss, even a tiny peck on the cheek (I'm looking at you, my French relativies) is way too intimate to just casually throw away. And back rubs or massages are practically like sex. I'm not saying that's normal. That's just the way it is. I notice at C&C people touch each other a lot. I am very aware of it. It freaks me out just a little bit. When the back rubs start flying I avert my eyes. If you ever see me touching anyone, they must be very special to me or it would not be happening.
Why am I sharing this? Well, I think secrets are like little self-imposed prisons. They keep us captive, all the while we are holding the key to our own freedom. When you share the secret, you've opened the cell. And now those little secrets can't hold me captive any more.
I will end this post like many other posts, with a request that you hug me next time we meet. Although, be warned, if you hug a little too long, I just may faint.
Let me just say that for every entry I post online, I usually have about 5 that never see the light of day. This is one of those posts that finally made the cut. But that's still not why I titled it Leftovers.
I know I have written a lot about my issues with social anxiety in the past. I don't feel the need to refer to it too much any more because it is in the past. I feel like it is conquered. It is now part of the history of me, not the present, and definitely not the future.
Having said all that, I realize that there are some leftovers from my past that still show up occasionally. (See, that's where the title comes from ;) )
I'm sure we all have those little hangers-on from our past, whether we know it or not. The best way I know how to describe it is to tell you about my first dog, Puddles. I was just shy of 3 years old when Puddles passed away but I remember him. He was a rescued dog. His previous owners were not the best, and from my understanding, their kids were quite mean to him. I remember he always ran away from me. I could never pet him. He wouldn't let me. Whenever I raised my hand he instinctively dropped his head and backed away. Even though he was free of his abusive past, his habits carried on in his new life. And in some ways that's me too. My past is my past but I still carry a few of those previous habits (or "feelings") with me in my new life. At least I am aware of them, so I can make the effort to change them.
(Refresher for everyone who doesn't know what I went through as a kid. I suffered from Social Anxiety Phobia. The best way to describe it is a fear of always being judged and scrutinized, and ultimately rejected. My method of survival was to try and not be noticed. If I could hide in the background no one would focus on me. If I didn't make friends or talk to strangers I couldn't be rejected. That was my life for too long. That is not my life now. The following are some of the leftovers from my past.)
Dancing: I can't even describe how terrified I am of dancing. I know it doesn't make sense. I may as well be scared of balloons. No offence to sufferers of Globophobia. My entire life I hid from dancing and dances. It just seemed too noticeable. I was terrified of being in the spot light (and thus be judged and rejected). However, even to this day, even if I am around friends and family, people who would never judge or reject me, I get this overwhelming sense of dread if I think I may have to do anything dance related. Even seeing other people dance makes me uncomfortable. It's a very Pavlovian reaction. I am going to work on overcoming this fear, unfortunately. I'm pretty sure I can't avoid dancing for the rest of my life.
Clapping or doing actions to a song: Those are just cousins of dancing. They may as well be the same thing. Hand dancing. Here's a tiny confession. I was extremely uncomfortable during VBS last summer during the open session in the morning because all the songs had actions. As a leader I was expected to do them. I forced myself. It was horrible. And yet nothing bad came of it. Everything that I associate with "dancing" like judgement and rejection did not happen. Maybe it was a good thing? Either way, I felt extremely exposed and vulnerable during those 5 minutes.
Touching: I have a very big personal bubble. You know those touchy-feely people that have no personal space? They terrify me. I know, weird. I think it is because touching connotates a level of intimacy and intimacy was something I had instinctively avoided as a part of my defense mechanism. (Side note: Dancing involves touching. Double Whammy!) My immediate reaction to touching, almost like a reflex action, is to pull away or recoil. That has created some very awkward situations. Ha ha. Oh could I tell stories. But I won't. Even to this day I associate touching with something awkward and uncomfortable and I react accordingly. I know in my head there's nothing wrong with it but I still go through a weird series of "feelings" when I touch someone or am touched by someone. I imagine this is similar to people who have been abused in the past. I'm ok with hand shakes, and have been working my way through hugging over the last few years. It's a slow process. A prolonged hand on my shoulder sends shivers down my spine. I know that can't be normal. I'm working on it. As a result of my personal space issues I associate touching with deep levels of intimacy. I don't know how to explain that rationally, but that's the thing with all these leftovers. They aren't rational. To me, a hand shake is just a hand shake, but a hug carries a lot more meaning to it than just a hug. A kiss, even a tiny peck on the cheek (I'm looking at you, my French relativies) is way too intimate to just casually throw away. And back rubs or massages are practically like sex. I'm not saying that's normal. That's just the way it is. I notice at C&C people touch each other a lot. I am very aware of it. It freaks me out just a little bit. When the back rubs start flying I avert my eyes. If you ever see me touching anyone, they must be very special to me or it would not be happening.
Why am I sharing this? Well, I think secrets are like little self-imposed prisons. They keep us captive, all the while we are holding the key to our own freedom. When you share the secret, you've opened the cell. And now those little secrets can't hold me captive any more.
I will end this post like many other posts, with a request that you hug me next time we meet. Although, be warned, if you hug a little too long, I just may faint.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Good Things
Dear Diary,
Good things are happening.
By that I mean, I am getting to know myself a little better. It's odd to say that. How could I not possibly know myself? After all, I am me. A long time ago I referred to parapraxis in a previous entry. Some of those things have been popping up again and I know that they are truly reflective of where I am at right now. I have started making decisions that reflect who I am and where I want to be in life.
The first is work related. With the job I do, I have so many options available to me for the type of work and lifestyle I want. I could be jet setting around Europe or living in a large city center or working month long rotations in the Middle East. However I don't want those things. It is tough for me to decide not to pursue those options simply because I know I have the ability to achieve them. Many of the people I have worked with are now off doing those things. For the longest time I felt like I was limiting myself by not going out and conquering the world. However that type of lifestyle does not reflect who I am. I would be miserable. The things I cherish in life would be sacrificed to the job and to the schedule. And so, last week, I applied for a different position at work. It is less glamorous. It would not add to my resume if the whole goal of my resume was to become a big wig international guy. However, this new job would give me the flexibility to be involved with church, youth, Sunday School, worship, small groups, family, children, pets, plants, and something as close to a boring 9-5, Monday to Friday shift as possible in this industry. It would mean earning $1 million to $2 million less over the course of my career than if I pursued the big league career option. If it's between making a lot of money or having a schedule that allows me to have a family, be there for my kids, and contribute to the well being of those in my community, my choice is made. And it's not the money. Now, it's unlikely that I will get this position, but simply the fact that I applied for it is a big step for me. I am actively pursuing a path that will lead me to my goals, and not passively following the path others have traveled before me. It is exhilarating and just a tiny bit scary.
As for other things, they are more spiritual in nature. I have talked about God's will in previous entries and my thoughts on that have not changed much. I believe God's will is wide and we have many options available to us that are all a part of God's will. Obviously God has given us free will (my apologies to all the Calvinists out there) and so we have the gift of freedom of choice. That is something I wrestled with a lot growing up. It wasn't just the spiritual aspect of free choice, but even day to day choices. I wish someone would have just told me in high school to go and do this and this and become that and then I would have arrived at my destination. Instead, I was told I could do and be anything I wanted. The availability of so many options overwhelmed me and I think much of what I did after graduating was not based on assertive decision making but on passively following the path set before me by circumstance. In some ways that's how my spiritual life progressed as well. It was just set in the default position. However, over the last year I have been actively searching for something more than default and I know that things are going to change. Honestly, I made some decisions as long as 8 months ago, that I am finally going to act on. Maybe. I'm on the verge anyway. And that is good, because whether things change or stay the same, it will be because I have actively made a decision for things to be the way they are, not passively accepted what is. I think it's amazing that God trusts us enough to allow us to make decisions.
This morning I had another Spiritual Direction meeting with DA. It' been a long time since we've met. It was good. Things seemed to be confirmed. I like when that happens. I'm in the process of seeking out more experienced people for their insight. In the multitude of counsellors there is much wisdom.
Good things are happening.
By that I mean, I am getting to know myself a little better. It's odd to say that. How could I not possibly know myself? After all, I am me. A long time ago I referred to parapraxis in a previous entry. Some of those things have been popping up again and I know that they are truly reflective of where I am at right now. I have started making decisions that reflect who I am and where I want to be in life.
The first is work related. With the job I do, I have so many options available to me for the type of work and lifestyle I want. I could be jet setting around Europe or living in a large city center or working month long rotations in the Middle East. However I don't want those things. It is tough for me to decide not to pursue those options simply because I know I have the ability to achieve them. Many of the people I have worked with are now off doing those things. For the longest time I felt like I was limiting myself by not going out and conquering the world. However that type of lifestyle does not reflect who I am. I would be miserable. The things I cherish in life would be sacrificed to the job and to the schedule. And so, last week, I applied for a different position at work. It is less glamorous. It would not add to my resume if the whole goal of my resume was to become a big wig international guy. However, this new job would give me the flexibility to be involved with church, youth, Sunday School, worship, small groups, family, children, pets, plants, and something as close to a boring 9-5, Monday to Friday shift as possible in this industry. It would mean earning $1 million to $2 million less over the course of my career than if I pursued the big league career option. If it's between making a lot of money or having a schedule that allows me to have a family, be there for my kids, and contribute to the well being of those in my community, my choice is made. And it's not the money. Now, it's unlikely that I will get this position, but simply the fact that I applied for it is a big step for me. I am actively pursuing a path that will lead me to my goals, and not passively following the path others have traveled before me. It is exhilarating and just a tiny bit scary.
As for other things, they are more spiritual in nature. I have talked about God's will in previous entries and my thoughts on that have not changed much. I believe God's will is wide and we have many options available to us that are all a part of God's will. Obviously God has given us free will (my apologies to all the Calvinists out there) and so we have the gift of freedom of choice. That is something I wrestled with a lot growing up. It wasn't just the spiritual aspect of free choice, but even day to day choices. I wish someone would have just told me in high school to go and do this and this and become that and then I would have arrived at my destination. Instead, I was told I could do and be anything I wanted. The availability of so many options overwhelmed me and I think much of what I did after graduating was not based on assertive decision making but on passively following the path set before me by circumstance. In some ways that's how my spiritual life progressed as well. It was just set in the default position. However, over the last year I have been actively searching for something more than default and I know that things are going to change. Honestly, I made some decisions as long as 8 months ago, that I am finally going to act on. Maybe. I'm on the verge anyway. And that is good, because whether things change or stay the same, it will be because I have actively made a decision for things to be the way they are, not passively accepted what is. I think it's amazing that God trusts us enough to allow us to make decisions.
This morning I had another Spiritual Direction meeting with DA. It' been a long time since we've met. It was good. Things seemed to be confirmed. I like when that happens. I'm in the process of seeking out more experienced people for their insight. In the multitude of counsellors there is much wisdom.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Making A Difference
I have worked with a lot of youth through my life. Sometimes as a youth myself and sometimes as a "mature" adult. Some of these kids have lived lives much more difficult than my own. Others have had it pretty good. I always wonder where these kids are now. I know many are now adults. I still keep in touch with some. I still pray for them. All of them. Often I wonder if I have really made a difference in their lives. I wonder if they are better off because I was in their lives briefly trying to be the best follower of Jesus I knew how to be. And sometimes there are pleasant little surprises that pop up in my life because of the work I've done in the past.
Several weeks ago at the coffee house, I ran into a former youth, now adult, from one of the youth groups I ran back in the day. Actually this person was too young to be in the youth group at the time. His older brother was involved but he tagged along when he could. I spent a lot of time with their family outside of my official duties. We talked and chatted a bit and things seemed to be good. I am happy that he is continuing to follow Jesus and seems to be on a good path.
Tonight I went out for supper with my old friends from the North, who I've mentioned several times in previous entries. Completely coincidentally, the entire family of this young man were sitting at the table across from ours. I haven't seen the rest of the family in almost 10 years. It was so good to see them, even if it was only briefly. We said our hellos and did the hand shake thing, but honestly, I wish I was a little more brave and went in for a hug. It was sooooooo good to see them again. The father told me something that almost made me cry. He said that the years I worked with their kids were some of their best years. He told me I made such an impact on his kids and his whole family and he thanked me for the role I played in their lives. Wow.
Like I said, sometimes I wonder if I have really made a difference at all in the lives of the people I have poured myself into. Tonight was an amazing confirmation for me. I know not everyone has had an easy path to follow but I pray that they are better off because of the brief time I had to love them and show them the way.
Thank you, Lord.
Several weeks ago at the coffee house, I ran into a former youth, now adult, from one of the youth groups I ran back in the day. Actually this person was too young to be in the youth group at the time. His older brother was involved but he tagged along when he could. I spent a lot of time with their family outside of my official duties. We talked and chatted a bit and things seemed to be good. I am happy that he is continuing to follow Jesus and seems to be on a good path.
Tonight I went out for supper with my old friends from the North, who I've mentioned several times in previous entries. Completely coincidentally, the entire family of this young man were sitting at the table across from ours. I haven't seen the rest of the family in almost 10 years. It was so good to see them, even if it was only briefly. We said our hellos and did the hand shake thing, but honestly, I wish I was a little more brave and went in for a hug. It was sooooooo good to see them again. The father told me something that almost made me cry. He said that the years I worked with their kids were some of their best years. He told me I made such an impact on his kids and his whole family and he thanked me for the role I played in their lives. Wow.
Like I said, sometimes I wonder if I have really made a difference at all in the lives of the people I have poured myself into. Tonight was an amazing confirmation for me. I know not everyone has had an easy path to follow but I pray that they are better off because of the brief time I had to love them and show them the way.
Thank you, Lord.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Saying Good Bye
I don't like good-byes.
For several reasons.
The first is that I'm not a hugely over emotional guy and so I'm sure I come across as insincere or indifferent when I'm saying good-bye. I'm not hugging everybody or crying or all that other stuff. I don't know why but I am able to put parts of my life on pause, and then resume again when things pick up where they left off. For me good byes seem pointless. It's more of a see you later. And that's why it doesn't feel as emotional to me as I'm sure it does to other people.
Secondly, I take a long time to get to know people, and be known by people. I think part of that is because I like a lot of alone time. So, I could meet a new person the same time as someone else, and over the space of a month they could become best of friends while I'd still feel like a stranger. In the context of good-byes, rarely do I ever feel like I know the person as well as virtually everyone else saying good-bye. I feel almost like an impostor intruding on someone else's private moment.
And finally, there are rare cases where I do know the person well. And that person knows me well. And there is no chance of a good-bye / see you later. It really is good bye. That is the worst case scenario for me because there are so few of those people in my life and they are very valuable to me. Those times are very pivotal to me, and they do affect me, and I do get emotional. I don't like the hurt those moments bring.
And that's why I don't like good-byes.
For several reasons.
The first is that I'm not a hugely over emotional guy and so I'm sure I come across as insincere or indifferent when I'm saying good-bye. I'm not hugging everybody or crying or all that other stuff. I don't know why but I am able to put parts of my life on pause, and then resume again when things pick up where they left off. For me good byes seem pointless. It's more of a see you later. And that's why it doesn't feel as emotional to me as I'm sure it does to other people.
Secondly, I take a long time to get to know people, and be known by people. I think part of that is because I like a lot of alone time. So, I could meet a new person the same time as someone else, and over the space of a month they could become best of friends while I'd still feel like a stranger. In the context of good-byes, rarely do I ever feel like I know the person as well as virtually everyone else saying good-bye. I feel almost like an impostor intruding on someone else's private moment.
And finally, there are rare cases where I do know the person well. And that person knows me well. And there is no chance of a good-bye / see you later. It really is good bye. That is the worst case scenario for me because there are so few of those people in my life and they are very valuable to me. Those times are very pivotal to me, and they do affect me, and I do get emotional. I don't like the hurt those moments bring.
And that's why I don't like good-byes.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Homesick
I'm going through something I can't explain right now. Usually these entries are already composed in my head before I put them online. However, some of the entries I just throw out there on the fly. This will be one of those.
I've been feeling homesick lately. I can't really say why. The last year and a half has been all about me finding out where or what my home actually is. Before that I spent the previous 5 years floating around with work at no fixed address. My goal was to work my way back "home". I thought I had arrived. And yet I'm not feeling settled. Not really. The last year or so I have been trying to find out where I fit. I'm closer than when I started but I haven't arrived yet.
And today that feeling of homesickness seemed to overwhelm me. I don't know why. I felt like I was saying bye to familiar things. I don't place a lot of value in "feelings" (some but not a lot). It could just as easily be a lack of sunlight or eating donuts after midnight. So I'm trying to figure out if this is the donuts or something else.
There are a lot of options in front of me right now. I don't know if I should choose any of them or just keep things the same. I don't like changes but one thing the last 18 months has taught me is that though transitions may be difficult the final result can be worth the discomfort.
I'm just trying to figure out which one of these paths will take me home. I haven't felt "home" for a long time. Maybe I never will. I don't like to think about that. What I do know is that I don't feel home right now, and so maybe I'm not where I'm supposed to be, yet. Arg.
I know that a year ago I was going through a similar search. Looking for where I belong and searching for deeper meaning. The desire for more began out of nowhere and seemed to end where it began. Somehow things appeared to be resolved. But now it seems to be starting all over again.
And I'm scared I'll make a bad decision. A decision that can't be undone easily, or at all. And unfortunately when I have decisions to be made with those types of consequences I tend to freeze up and make no decision at all (which is a decision to let things remain the same). I've been saying for a while now that there were going to be some major changes coming in my life. Well, those changes, or not, will be happening over the next month or two.
I've been feeling homesick lately. I can't really say why. The last year and a half has been all about me finding out where or what my home actually is. Before that I spent the previous 5 years floating around with work at no fixed address. My goal was to work my way back "home". I thought I had arrived. And yet I'm not feeling settled. Not really. The last year or so I have been trying to find out where I fit. I'm closer than when I started but I haven't arrived yet.
And today that feeling of homesickness seemed to overwhelm me. I don't know why. I felt like I was saying bye to familiar things. I don't place a lot of value in "feelings" (some but not a lot). It could just as easily be a lack of sunlight or eating donuts after midnight. So I'm trying to figure out if this is the donuts or something else.
There are a lot of options in front of me right now. I don't know if I should choose any of them or just keep things the same. I don't like changes but one thing the last 18 months has taught me is that though transitions may be difficult the final result can be worth the discomfort.
I'm just trying to figure out which one of these paths will take me home. I haven't felt "home" for a long time. Maybe I never will. I don't like to think about that. What I do know is that I don't feel home right now, and so maybe I'm not where I'm supposed to be, yet. Arg.
I know that a year ago I was going through a similar search. Looking for where I belong and searching for deeper meaning. The desire for more began out of nowhere and seemed to end where it began. Somehow things appeared to be resolved. But now it seems to be starting all over again.
And I'm scared I'll make a bad decision. A decision that can't be undone easily, or at all. And unfortunately when I have decisions to be made with those types of consequences I tend to freeze up and make no decision at all (which is a decision to let things remain the same). I've been saying for a while now that there were going to be some major changes coming in my life. Well, those changes, or not, will be happening over the next month or two.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Super Sneak Preview
This Saturday C&C is doing a coffee house. The organizers have asked that anyone interested in doing some sort of performance art or presentation sign up and do their thing on that night. Normally I shy away from taking the spotlight, however this last year and a half has been all about me stepping out of the shadows, breaking the mold, getting out of my rut and experiencing a little more of life than before. So I signed up. I never do anything in half steps either. I have decided to perform 3 songs from 3 of the biggest acts in Rock and Roll history. This will either be completely awesome or devastatingly mediocre.
I will use this blog post to offer clues for any readers from C&C who want an advance idea of what to expect. I will update it daily.
1. Each band is from a different continent.
2. Each band rose to fame in the 70's.
3. Each of the 3 (or 4) songs was recorded in the 70's.
4. Female monarchy, electrical current, romantic exchange.
5...
Up next: Dance Lessons... (What have I done?)
I will use this blog post to offer clues for any readers from C&C who want an advance idea of what to expect. I will update it daily.
1. Each band is from a different continent.
2. Each band rose to fame in the 70's.
3. Each of the 3 (or 4) songs was recorded in the 70's.
4. Female monarchy, electrical current, romantic exchange.
5...
Time to praise the Lord, make some big noise
Praying in the street, see what Psalm 150 says
You've got cymbals and a beat
Guitars and dancing feet
Rock and Roll worship belong in this place
(Singing) We will, We will rock you
Time to praise the Lord, make some big noise
Time to praise the Lord, make some big noise
Using Rock and Roll to sing my saviour's praise
If we stay silent
The rocks will praise riot
So turn it to 11 and share God's grace
(Singing) We will, We will rock you
Living easy, living free
Since I learned to give away my pride
Asked Jesus, forgive me
Forgive every sin that's in my life
Not by works, not this time
Ain't nothing that I could do
Saved by grace, simple faith
Saved by grace, simple faith
My friends I want to share with you
(Well, Jesus) Saved me from Hell
Well Jesus paid my dues
At the cross He died for me and you
So Satan, get behind me
I'm done playing by all your rules
Starting now, I belong
To the one who holds the world in His hands
Hey momma, look at me
I'm on the way to the promised land
(Cuz Jesus) Saved me from Hell
I'm not going down
Jesus Saved me from Hell
They knew Moses and the things of God
The 10 commandments and the Jewish law
Pharisees asked Christ which one's the greatest
Jesus said you wanna know where it is?
Try Deuteronomy, chapter 6
Try Deuteronomy, chapter 6
Look at verse 5, you'l find it Pharisee
You read about, You need to shout it
I love the Lord with all my might, my heart and everything
The people came to Jesus Christ all the while
They looked for answers and they liked his style
Please tell us Lord which law's the next best
Love the Lord with everything you've got
Jesus said well that's my first law
The second is to love your neighbour
Don't even doubt it, you need to shout it
I love the Lord with all my might, my heart and everything
Wearing shirts must have been difficult back then.
Update (The day after): I did it. I was so nervous. My fingers were tingling and I couldn't control my voice. Wow, I really don't like being in the spotlight. I blanked half way through a solo and had to improvise the rest and by the end I'm pretty sure I sung the last song completely off key. But I survived. And, although I was definitely the least polished act, I had way more fun. If I could have hid off stage and just been miked I would have performed better but there's something electric about the interaction between the audience and the performer, and although I wasn't in top form, I think we had some chemistry going. It was fun, and I never want to do that again. :)
Oh, ya. I thought there would be about 40-50 people there. It was closer to 150.
Up next: Dance Lessons... (What have I done?)
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Tired
I'm tired.
Physically tired.
Emotionally tired.
Spiritually tired.
Some of it is my own doing. Some of it is out of my control.
I think the parts I can control are about to change. I've spread myself too thin. Too much of a good thing is not necessarily a good thing. I think this year will be a year of big changes for me. Good changes. Less tired.
I have so much to share, but I'm just too tired to share at the moment.
Stay tuned...
Physically tired.
Emotionally tired.
Spiritually tired.
Some of it is my own doing. Some of it is out of my control.
I think the parts I can control are about to change. I've spread myself too thin. Too much of a good thing is not necessarily a good thing. I think this year will be a year of big changes for me. Good changes. Less tired.
I have so much to share, but I'm just too tired to share at the moment.
Stay tuned...
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Everything I Know About Women
Seeing as Valentine's Day has just passed by I thought I would write up a quick reference list of everything I know about women.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
- They like flowers.*
*I have no idea why
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
- They like flowers.*
*I have no idea why
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Blur
Dear Diary,
The last few weeks have gone by so quickly. It has been a blur.
Here's what happened in no particular order.
My vacation request for the C&C snowboard trip was declined by work. I was extremely unhappy about this. The trip last year was a big part of my growth as a person. It forced me to get out of my groove and go outside my comfortable zone of social interactions. It really was a large focus for me for several months of my life. I was hoping I would get to go again this year but work is too busy and too understaffed at the moment. I was definitely disappointed.
Immediately after I learned I wouldn't be going on the snowboard trip though, I found out there was a youth retreat over the weekend. I went. It was awesome. It really did put me in a positive mood after the whole vacation request denial thing. It allowed me to get to know some of the guys, and girls, a little better. If work was not an issue I would be much more involved with the youth. In some ways it makes me sad that I am so infrequently involved. There's a little disappointment in my heart every time I miss a youth event, but this weekend was good. I would have no problem devoting my life to the growth and development of teens. I only wish I could do more.
I was scheduled to help with worship on Thursday. I have said before that worship is important to me, and when I am involved in leading I make very certain that I am ready. Unfortunately work has interfered with C&C so often, especially when I am part of a worship team, I can't always commit. So, I took a vacation day. I had all day off to practice. By Thursday night I knew every song, forward and backwards, lead, rhythm, bass, and I'm pretty sure I could have sat in on drums if required. I have to say though, when we practiced that night I was disappointed. It seemed as though most people were just phoning it in. It seemed obvious to me some people had not even practiced the songs or listened to the audio that was emailed out before we gathered. I didn't like the lack of effort many of the talented and capable musicians put in for that night. And we sounded bad. I was a little discouraged because I took the day off just to be there and it felt like others were just taking for granted the awesome privilege of leading others in worship. I hope next time we put our hearts and minds into it.
On Friday the C&Cers played dodge ball against the senior high youth group. That was great. I am still a little sore. Officially the youth group won, but I still contend they had way more participants so I'm calling it a draw. After the games there was a dessert and discussion time but, I need to confess, I got a little freaked out with all the new people there and left before it began. The social interaction thing with new people was just a bit too much for me that night.
On Sunday our small group did a brunch and then went to Ebenezzer. That's not my normal church. I have been there a few times before. This time it amazed me how many people I knew or recognized. I didn't know I know so many people. It was good. I didn't feel as uncomfortable as I did on Friday. After the service I went out to Bonanza with TM, MH, and TJ. I discovered the art of timing the buffet to include both brunch and lunch meal items. Also, plates hold way more ice cream than bowls do. After the feeding frenzy we went and watched Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. It was good. They sure don't make movies like that anymore. And after that I went to a Superbowl party. I was a little nervous. Most of the people there were people I know a little bit, but not well. I went mostly to put myself in another social situation, and hopefully to get to know a few people a little bit better. It was more my size and I had a good time. And I did get to talk socially with a few people I don't always interact with and it was good.
And that was my life the last two weeks. That and work. Lots of work.
The last few weeks have gone by so quickly. It has been a blur.
Here's what happened in no particular order.
My vacation request for the C&C snowboard trip was declined by work. I was extremely unhappy about this. The trip last year was a big part of my growth as a person. It forced me to get out of my groove and go outside my comfortable zone of social interactions. It really was a large focus for me for several months of my life. I was hoping I would get to go again this year but work is too busy and too understaffed at the moment. I was definitely disappointed.
Immediately after I learned I wouldn't be going on the snowboard trip though, I found out there was a youth retreat over the weekend. I went. It was awesome. It really did put me in a positive mood after the whole vacation request denial thing. It allowed me to get to know some of the guys, and girls, a little better. If work was not an issue I would be much more involved with the youth. In some ways it makes me sad that I am so infrequently involved. There's a little disappointment in my heart every time I miss a youth event, but this weekend was good. I would have no problem devoting my life to the growth and development of teens. I only wish I could do more.
I was scheduled to help with worship on Thursday. I have said before that worship is important to me, and when I am involved in leading I make very certain that I am ready. Unfortunately work has interfered with C&C so often, especially when I am part of a worship team, I can't always commit. So, I took a vacation day. I had all day off to practice. By Thursday night I knew every song, forward and backwards, lead, rhythm, bass, and I'm pretty sure I could have sat in on drums if required. I have to say though, when we practiced that night I was disappointed. It seemed as though most people were just phoning it in. It seemed obvious to me some people had not even practiced the songs or listened to the audio that was emailed out before we gathered. I didn't like the lack of effort many of the talented and capable musicians put in for that night. And we sounded bad. I was a little discouraged because I took the day off just to be there and it felt like others were just taking for granted the awesome privilege of leading others in worship. I hope next time we put our hearts and minds into it.
On Friday the C&Cers played dodge ball against the senior high youth group. That was great. I am still a little sore. Officially the youth group won, but I still contend they had way more participants so I'm calling it a draw. After the games there was a dessert and discussion time but, I need to confess, I got a little freaked out with all the new people there and left before it began. The social interaction thing with new people was just a bit too much for me that night.
On Sunday our small group did a brunch and then went to Ebenezzer. That's not my normal church. I have been there a few times before. This time it amazed me how many people I knew or recognized. I didn't know I know so many people. It was good. I didn't feel as uncomfortable as I did on Friday. After the service I went out to Bonanza with TM, MH, and TJ. I discovered the art of timing the buffet to include both brunch and lunch meal items. Also, plates hold way more ice cream than bowls do. After the feeding frenzy we went and watched Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. It was good. They sure don't make movies like that anymore. And after that I went to a Superbowl party. I was a little nervous. Most of the people there were people I know a little bit, but not well. I went mostly to put myself in another social situation, and hopefully to get to know a few people a little bit better. It was more my size and I had a good time. And I did get to talk socially with a few people I don't always interact with and it was good.
And that was my life the last two weeks. That and work. Lots of work.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)