Friday, March 30, 2012

Good Things

Dear Diary,

Good things are happening.

By that I mean, I am getting to know myself a little better. It's odd to say that. How could I not possibly know myself? After all, I am me. A long time ago I referred to parapraxis in a previous entry. Some of those things have been popping up again and I know that they are truly reflective of where I am at right now. I have started making decisions that reflect who I am and where I want to be in life.

The first is work related. With the job I do, I have so many options available to me for the type of work and lifestyle I want. I could be jet setting around Europe or living in a large city center or working month long rotations in the Middle East. However I don't want those things. It is tough for me to decide not to pursue those options simply because I know I have the ability to achieve them. Many of the people I have worked with are now off doing those things. For the longest time I felt like I was limiting myself by not going out and conquering the world. However that type of lifestyle does not reflect who I am. I would be miserable. The things I cherish in life would be sacrificed to the job and to the schedule. And so, last week, I applied for a different position at work. It is less glamorous. It would not add to my resume if the whole goal of my resume was to become a big wig international guy. However, this new job would give me the flexibility to be involved with church, youth, Sunday School, worship, small groups, family, children, pets, plants, and something as close to a boring 9-5, Monday to Friday shift as possible in this industry. It would mean earning $1 million to $2 million less over the course of my career than if I pursued the big league career option. If it's between making a lot of money or having a schedule that allows me to have a family, be there for my kids, and contribute to the well being of those in my community, my choice is made. And it's not the money. Now, it's unlikely that I will get this position, but simply the fact that I applied for it is a big step for me. I am actively pursuing a path that will lead me to my goals, and not passively following the path others have traveled before me. It is exhilarating and just a tiny bit scary.

As for other things, they are more spiritual in nature. I have talked about God's will in previous entries and my thoughts on that have not changed much. I believe God's will is wide and we have many options available to us that are all a part of God's will. Obviously God has given us free will (my apologies to all the Calvinists out there) and so we have the gift of freedom of choice. That is something I wrestled with a lot growing up. It wasn't just the spiritual aspect of free choice, but even day to day choices. I wish someone would have just told me in high school to go and do this and this and become that and then I would have arrived at my destination. Instead, I was told I could do and be anything I wanted. The availability of so many options overwhelmed me and I think much of what I did after graduating was not based on assertive decision making but on passively following the path set before me by circumstance. In some ways that's how my spiritual life progressed as well. It was just set in the default position. However, over the last year I have been actively searching for something more than default and I know that things are going to change. Honestly, I made some decisions as long as 8 months ago, that I am finally going to act on. Maybe. I'm on the verge anyway. And that is good, because whether things change or stay the same, it will be because I have actively made a decision for things to be the way they are, not passively accepted what is. I think it's amazing that God trusts us enough to allow us to make decisions.

This morning I had another Spiritual Direction meeting with DA. It' been a long time since we've met. It was good. Things seemed to be confirmed. I like when that happens. I'm in the process of seeking out more experienced people for their insight. In the multitude of counsellors there is much wisdom.

3 comments:

Matthew said...

Sounds awesome. It's super encouraging to 'see' others, like yourself, making steps forward. So many people never really change that much at all past a certain point.

That's the main reason I appreciate your blog and want to share my perspective because you're clearly communicating that you DO want to change and that opens all kinds of space for profound possibilities.

Just don't ever 'arrive.' There's always further to go!

You wrote too many good things to comment on all of them but if I had to pick a winner...

"I have started making decisions that reflect who I am and where I want to be in life."

That's huge. In my experience, there's definitely a surge of energy that emerges when we begin to actively engage in shaping our lives through our own intention and free will. Would you agree?

Thanks for the encouragement:)

Clinton said...

I agree.

And I was just re-reading this post and found a lot of awesome tid-bits to encourage myself as well. Odd, seeing as I wrote it, but it is inspiring to see myself in this mode.

Matthew said...

Haha, it's funny when that happens, right? I'll read some things I wrote and think, "Ugh, that maybe shouldn't have seen the light of day," but then other things I'll read and think, "I just blew my own mind...again."

It's good to be reminded of things we've recognized in our clearer moments but can easily loose sight of in the midst of our fluctuating internal experience.