Questions

I have been asked some life changing questions this last week. It is scary where the answers may take me. I will update this post with some thoughts that are incredibly important to me.

UPDATE: You should know I get a little emotional below. I am just being me, which is what this whole blog is about. I promise there are more "sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows" kind of posts coming up in the near future. Honest. I'm a pretty positive upbeat kind of guy.

At C&C on Thursday the topic was Devotions. Fairly simple. We were asked if we ranked our devotional life on a scale of 1 to 10, would we be happy with our rank. My answer was no. The follow up question was why not. My answer was that I simply don't spend enough time with God. The final question, that blew my mind, was, "So, do you have a time scheduling problem or a devotion problem?" That question shook me up a little bit. I make time for the things I want to do. I put in an effort to achieve my goals. I took the day off work and danced with a broom to prepare for my dance lesson. And yet I know my spiritual life with God is not where I want it. Do I have a devotion problem? Honestly, I can only answer yes.  :(  It makes me sad to say that. Where do I go from here? I can't ignore the truth staring me right in the face. I have to do something. I am not sure how things are going to be different, but I am confessing to everyone who reads this, I am going to make changes, make time, make the effort. Call me on it. Please.

Last Tuesday (after my first dance lesson) I hung out with a couple friends talking about some random and specific stuff. It was really good. We talked about one of my issues, touching. It bothers me to say I have an issue with touching. Really that isn't the truth. I like touching people. I like being touched by people. (I know that could sound bad taken out of context so I trust you're mature enough to not go there.) The truth is that I desire to be a physically affectionate kind of guy. The problem is I also associate touching with some uncomfortable scenarios as well and it creates a very messed up reaction in me. As we talked, I started to put words to the feelings I have inside. It was interesting to hear myself describe it. I know that I don't have those issues when I am with pets or animals or kids or youth or anything like that. The barriers to my physical affection rise up when I am interacting with adults. I think I know the reason why, which I won't share in this place, but I can think of a specific instance(s) that may have created this barrier. We talked about the five love languages and which one I thought described myself. (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch) I said I thought I was a little of all those things, minus the Physical Touch. And then came the question (paraphrased) "Is it possible that the reason you're only a little of those things is because your main love language is physical touch and there's something keeping you from expressing it?" My mind was blown. I know I have an issue keeping me from expressing myself that way, and yet I can see my desire for physical affection (both to give and receive) poking out in odd places. Kids like JH and AH who I really love, I just want to smother them with hugs. I have even seen it popping up in random blog posts like this one. (Check out #'s 67 and 79) And of course there's my not so subtle plea for hugs at the end of every other entry I publish. By the way, you owe me a hug. I know I have repeatedly said in this blog how I am not very emotional and I struggle to express my emotions. (Check out #'s 45, 58, 79, 83, 90 and 96) The answer to the question may be very life changing. Maybe I am a Physical Touch kind of guy who needs to overcome some unresolved issues from my past to better express who I am now and in the future. Ugh. This won't be easy, but it will be life changing. Nuts. Why do life changing events have to be so difficult?

And finally, I know I try to avoid giving away people's identities in this blog but this next one is a bit of a spoiler. My family is not as close as I wish it was. I sometimes find myself getting jealous of families I know that are extremely close and affectionate. I am closest to my mom. Even so, there are some emotional subjects and areas of my life I don't share with her. I have friends I consider closer than my brother. I have a friend who I would consider closer than any of my family and it makes me so sad to say this. And my dad. It's hard for me to say this, but I never really had a relationship with my dad until I was an adult myself. He wasn't around a lot when I was growing up. (This was a hard entry to write) I know that his absence has created issues in my life that I am still trying overcome. And dad and I still aren't close. I'm sorry. Please consider this blog the first step in my attempt to be more open with all of you. :,(  It hurts to write this. It's not what I want. Somehow this came up in conversation with a friend a few days ago. This friend has a close family and yet desires that same type of close relationship with another family member that has drifted away. The question was, "If you could have that type of relationship with your family, why don't you?" And that hit me like a tonne of bricks. I couldn't really answer. This person desperately wanted a relationship with their family member but there were obstacles in the way, and yet I have access to all my family members (it's not like we're mortal enemies or separated by distance or physical barriers or animosity) and could work towards that kind of relationship if I really wanted, and I haven't. I felt condemned. Not by my friend but by my own inaction. "Why don't I have the type of relationship I want with my family?" I know it takes both partners to make a relationship work. I can't speak on behalf of my family but I know for myself I have lived most of my life as an emotional recluse. I kept my feelings and emotions inside. It's really only been the last few years I've been learning to open up (and that has created such an awesome mess of relationships and experiences. Thank You, Lord). And that simple question is still hanging in the air. A long time ago I remember thinking to myself that this was just the way things would always be. What a stupid lie I accepted. I'm upset that I did not put in the effort I should have. God, please forgive me. Please redeem this whole mess I participated in creating. My eyes are burning.

God, please help me be the person you've created me to be. Sometimes I feel like I've failed at that. Please help me have healthy, God centered relationships. Thank You for being so good. Thank You for helping me grow and change these last few years. Thank You for preparing me to hear these questions now. And then there's that other thing...

Amen.

Update: I edited this entry a day after I originally posted it. I made it a little less ... whatever it was. It's still the same idea, and most of it hasn't be touched up at all.