More Leftovers

As I read my Leftovers post from a few days ago I was reminded of other leftovers from my childhood that I am still working through. Seeing as I had planned to list them all on the previous post but forgot some, I thought I would write a sequal. The following are more leftovers from my childhood that I am working through.

I notice I become extremely aware of my actions/movements/body when I am around strangers. Every movement I make, from moving my feet to smiling or shifting my weight takes a conscious effort. This was my life all the time as a kid. I always felt I was being judged on everything I did, even how I moved. Normally no one thinks about how they walk, they just walk. No one thinks about how they smile, they just smile. When I am comfortable that is how I am too. However, when I am in uncomfortable situations (which, for me, usually involve meeting new people) I become intensely aware of my actions and my body. I feel like the tin man or C3-PO. I stiffen up. I become aware of my appendages. I have to make myself move whereas most normal people would just do what they always do unconsciously.

I am extremely self conscious of my body. It's not that I have any crazy defects or self perception issues, its just that I am very "modest" or physically shy. It is extremely difficult for me to wear anything more revealing than a T-Shirt. Muscle shirts, or even sandals leave me feeling too exposed. It takes me a lot of effort to go swimming. I can remember being teased as a kid about different physical features, usually by my brother. He wasn't actually being mean spirited, just a normal brother, but it really did affect me. From that point on I decided to never let myself get in those situations again, which meant never taking my shirt off, never going barefoot, never swimming in trunks alone. I'm sure this is somehow connected to my personal space / touching issues as well.

And finally, I find I always expect people to reject me in whatever situations arise. I can point to several times when I was younger where I felt serious rejection. I know those times had a very major impact on my life. As a kid with social anxiety, I decided to avoid future situations which could produce the same rejection. So, I stopped inviting people to do anything with me. Anyone could say no, and I always interpreted that as a rejection of my self. I stopped having birthday parties. I stopped inviting friends over after school. I never asked anyone out. To this day I find it very difficult to ask anyone to do anything with me. It's as though I can't comprehend someone wanting to be with me. I don't want to give them the chance to say no and confirm what I already suspect. This is a difficult one for me to share because I like me, but somehow I find it difficult to believe someone else could possibly like me as well. I'm slowly daring to believe that I have friends. This last week I've been invited out to so many things and events and gatherings and parties and walks and game nights and just casual "want to do something"s I've actually had to decline some opportunities because my schedule was too full. In some cases I was triple booked. It's very difficult for me to comprehend or accept that just maybe, I am likeable. I wonder how one gets to the point where one even wonders such a thing. And yet, here I am. I am relatively certain this all bridges into the one thing I find extremely difficult (or maybe uncomfortable is a better word) to talk about. And that will be the subject of my next post, maybe.