Lifetimes

There's just not enough life in our lifetime. 

I've come to the conclusion I'll never live long enough to do everything I want. There isn't enough time. Maybe if I lived to be 200 years old with relatively good health I may accomplish most of my goals. That's probably not realistic. I wish my body didn't need sleep. I could be much more productive. I want to learn languages, learn to play many more instruments, study history, study physics, build a house, build a car, raise a family, do the splits. I can work towards all those goals but I'll never cross the desired finish line for many of them. It's an issue of time. Life's too short.

Corona Covid

The world is shut down.
The media is corrupt.
The WHO is a puppet for China.
The pandemic was extremely over estimated.

I could go into details but you all know its true.

My response to all this now, one month after North America was effectively shut down, is that its time to reopen. Those that are at risk of Covid-19 should self isolate. Those that are in contact with those with risk factors should isolate. Everyone else should go back to normal.

Risk factors include immune deficiencies, breathing issues, the elderly, and the obese.

Initially they were saying up to 4 million people in the US could die and 300 000 in Canada too. One month later those numbers have dropped to 100 000 and 8 000 respectively. Who is going to pay for the devastation caused by those completely incorrect estimates? No one, probably. Who is going to pay for the complete economic devastation? No one, except those who are out of work. Keep in mind, the US loses about 50 000 people to the flu every year and Canada has about 5 000 people die from it as well. No one cares. Wash your hands, get the flu shot and off you go.

Not to down play the loss of life, but this has been one giant exercise in political correctness over public policy, wokeness over truth, and public hysteria over rational decision making.

I have always wanted to get involved more with politics. Now I'm not so sure. I believe in representing the people, but I don't trust the people anymore. At least not on a big scale.

I think I'll start locally.

20/20 Vision

It's another new year. What's new with me?

I'm a dad to a little girl. She blows my mind every time I see how perfect she is. I never thought I could feel this way.

I'm back in school finishing up a degree I started a long time ago. It's odd being 40 when most of my classmates are 19 or 20. However, most of them think I'm in my late 20's. It was surprisingly easy to jump back in. I'm playing pool with some of the guys later this week, and I'm fending off some of the girls who've been extra friendly. I wish I was this social back in the day. I won't be finished my degree until the end of next year. So far away, and so close.

This is not how I thought 40 would be. It's good but different. I feel like I'm just starting my adult life (again). I have opportunities that I didn't think I would have even five or ten years ago. Now I just need to figure out how to stay healthy and energetic enough to take advantage of them.

I find that health is a major focus in my life right now. I am still not 100% recovered from my accident 2 years ago. The odds are that I never will be. I may never be able to run or jump again. That is hugely disappointing to someone like me who used to be so active, playing sports, living life. But I always remind myself that I could have been paralyzed or killed. Given the options, I'll take what I got. So, partial paralysis aside, I want to stay active, keep my heart healthy, keep my energy up, and keep all those kinesthetic diseases away. Diabetes is like a personal friend to my family. I refuse to accept that in my life. I want to be around for my kids and their kids and their kids. It's amazing how much control one has over many of the variables in their life that lead to health, or sickness. I'm always shocked by the people that do themselves in with unhealthy choices and preventable diseases.

And that's what's going on in my life right now.

Broken Back Reovery: Two Years Later

Two years after my accident and after my surgery. Life is mostly back to normal, although I still only have the use of about 10% of my calf muscles. This means I still don't walk normally, can't quite run, jump, skip or lean forward without falling over. I've started accepting this as normal now but I can still clearly remember being able to do those things before. It still hasn't dawned on me that things like soccer, volleyball, or snowboarding are probably never going to be a regular thing in my life again. It's like grieving a piece of your life, I just haven't accepted that those things are gone. Most of the time I feel like I did before the accident. But there are small reminders, like going down stairs or walking in a crowd, that bring me back to this new reality. My feet still burn. But the cramps I used to get when activating my calves have gone away completely. Is this good or bad? I don't know. Will my situation be different in another year? I don't know. I don't think so but I will write about any future improvement to give hope to anyone else out there going through the same thing. I find I occasionally have dreams where I can jump. The shock of being normal is usually enough to wake me up. My excitement fades though as I roll out of bed only to discover that it was only a dream. My injury was only millimeters away from allowing me to recover completely, but it was also millimeters away from me being in a wheel chair for the rest of my life. Given the alternative, I'll gladly accept my new fate, but I still miss my old body. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that for the majority of my life I'm disabled and unable to do all the active things in life I used to. It's not easy.

Broken Back Recovery: 23 Months Later

What's new since my last entry? What has changed? The aches and pains seem to be gone. The morning stiffness is much less. Many mornings its not there at all. Several months ago I woke up and realized that nothing hurt. Its been a very long time since I could say that. I can move without painful reminders that I haven't "warmed up" yet. During this time I have continued to focus on my stretching. Every muscle group atrophied to some extent during my recovery but I am glad to say I am probably more flexible now than at any other point in my adult life. I still plan to do the splits, but that may take another year or so.

I have returned to school to finish a degree I started 16 years ago. One of the classes I'm taking is gymnastics, if you can believe it. I still can't jump/run but I'm doing cartwheels, forward rolls and head stands. I never thought that would be possible.

What's still broken? My feet still tingle/burn. My calf muscles still don't respond properly and so I am unable to walk or run normally. I still can't stand on my toes. I don't think I've seen much improvement in that area since my last entry.

Broken Back Recovery: It Could Have Been Worse

I saw this video online a little while ago. It reminded me a lot of my story and reminded me that despite my situation and injury, things could always be worse. I know people who have lost limbs, become paraplegic or quadriplegic, and worse. Even if I never fully recover, I know I am still better off than many other people who have gone through similar circumstances. It reminds me to always be grateful for the life I have.

Broken Back Recovery: After The First Year

I'm currently 16 months out from the accident/surgery.

My feet still burn. My calves still ache. This is because of the damage to my S1 nerve. Is it getting better? Maybe, but so slowly its almost imperceptible. Will it ever heal fully? Unlikely, although I'm not giving up on it. The doctors told me that the bulk of my recovery will happen within the first two years although I may slowly improve for years beyond that time. I saw my surgeon yesterday and he reiterated that I will continue to recover for years and years but may never see 100% recovery. For me, this means I'm looking at a new career because I can't do what I used to without fine motor control of my feet.

My back and related injuries, excluding the S1 nerve, seem to be improving. I still have minor aches and pains that I didn't have before the accident. I feel stiff and need to start moving slowly and intentionally before my body can move fluidly and without effort. It's almost like I need to warm up before I can move "normally".

Another issue which I didn't have before the accident is bowel and bladder control. I find that I need to go to the bathroom more often and I can't hold it for as long as I used to before. I'm not sure if that is just an aging issue that would have occurred regardless of my broken back or if it is a direct result of my broken back. I know my control is better than the first three months after my surgery. I'm not sure how much its improved since then.

I still keep a journal of my recovery to remind myself of the process I've been through and see where I've come from. As things improve I will keep updating.

Broken Back Recovery: Months 7 to 12

By this time things were improving much slower. Comparing myself to the day before was a little depressing because I couldn't see any improvement. However, I kept a journal of my recovery and I could look back a month or so and see how far I had come. That definitely kept me in a positive mood. Occasionally I would do something I hadn't done for many weeks and I would be pleasantly surprised how much easier it was. During this time my physio moved to 4 hours a day, 5 days a week. And was usually followed by a lot of rest afterwards.

The aches, pains, numbness were still going away. My feet still had a burning sensation but everything else felt more like muscle soreness which I was grateful for. It meant my muscles were moving and getting stronger. My strength had almost returned to pre-accident levels in some areas. I was finally able to do curl ups again. I still had almost no strength in my calves. I couldn't stand on my toes, which still affects my movement, speed, balance, etc... My cardio component was improving. I attempted running. It wasn't great, but it was better than nothing.

Despite the issues I have with my S1 nerve and corresponding muscles, by the end of the year I almost felt normal again. Almost.

Broken Back Recovery: Months 4 to 6

As I write this, I need to let the readers know this is one year after the fact, so I'm mining my memories and my journal for this one. But I'm still in the ball park.

Months 4 to 6 after my back surgery saw the greatest and fastest recovery. I started going to physio for 2 hours a day, 3 days a week, although by that time I was forcing myself to do homemade exercises in my free time. My strength was returning. I was initially limited to lifting 5 pounds or less. I increased that on my own as I felt my strength returning. My flexibility was improving greatly with constant stretching. My balance was also improving. I would practice standing on one foot at a time. My left leg/foot was lagging behind its right side counterpart in all areas but I could balance on each for a minute before tiring/falling.

My walking gait was improving slowly. My core strength was still weak and so I didn't have a good foundation from which to move my extremities. My calves still had almost no strength (as result of my S1 nerve impingement which may never fully recover). The result was that I couldn't stand on my toes or use my feet to push back as I leaned forward. This meant that I always leaned backwards when walking or standing because my center of gravity was over my heels. In physio they had me lean forward as far as I could without falling over. I could barely make it to vertical. And that felt like I was going to fall on my face. This is very specific to my back injury and probably won't be similar for most. I worked on this a lot and my walking gait improved but it still had a very long way to go.

After my accident I had a large numb area that included my entire mid section, from lower back to below my glutes. Over this time it started shrinking and localizing itself at my point of injury. By 6 months it was almost completely gone.

I still had pain in my legs but it was less than before. My feet still had burning sensations. My back had odd pains on occasion, but it mostly felt like sore muscles which I took as a good sign.

My cardio and endurance were almost nonexistent. I could barely move my extremities, let alone move them quickly and so this was an area that lagged behind.

I definitely felt more normal by this time. I could see the light at the end of the metaphorical tunnel.

Broken Back Recovery: The First 3 Months

(Posted 1 year after it was written)

I'm three months out from my spinal fusion surgery. When I think about where I am now its difficult to remember where I cam from. It almost feels like a dream.

First month -Very sick from the anesthesia for the first week. Very hungry, but nauseous. I couldn't eat more than soup. I lost 15 pounds. I would wake up every hour on the hour all night long. I dreaded going to bed because I knew I wouldn't sleep. Very tired. I would spend almost 18 hours a day in bed. My back was quite sore. I was terrified of coughing or sneezing because of the pain in my back. However the most pain was in my legs. My calves were constantly in pain. In the hospital I had pneumatic cuffs on my legs to help with my circulation. At home I didn't have the cuffs and so my legs hurt a lot. My feet hurt a lot too. Most of my pain meds were for my feet and legs. I would also get random shots of pain in my left leg. My feet hurt were swollen and always cold. My muscles were all incredibly stiff. I could barely move. I could barely go up or down stairs because of my stiffness. I had a wheel chair and walker for the first few weeks. Eventually I moved on to the cane. By the end of the month I found it easier to walk without the cane but I still used it outside on uneven surfaces. I barely had bladder or bowel control. I wore diapers for the first month out of the hospital. I was not allowed to bend or twist.

Second month -I eventually stopped taking all my pain meds, muscle relaxants and laxatives. Bowel movements were painful. I dreaded trying to go to the bathroom. It hurt and sometimes took up half an hour. I almost passed out once or twice. My sleep pattern slowly improved. I would only wake up 3 or 4 times during the night. I could finally get out of bed before 11am. My legs and feet still hurt a lot. The random shooting pain in my left leg finally stopped but I developed a new pain in my leg whenever I would touch my left thigh. The swelling in my feet went down and the coldness and numbness turned into tingling. I had approval from the doctor to start driving and bending and twisting.

Third month -My feet and legs still hurt a lot, but differently. My flexibility was almost non existent. I had to manually bend my legs to stretch my muscles. It hurt to bend forward, not that my back could bend much at all. I had to keep my back from moving for 2 months so once I started moving I was shocked to find I had almost 0 flexibility through my back, glutes, hamstrings and calves. I felt like a pole. I very consciously stretched and bent to my limits and held it for as long as I could. Mobility and range of motion improved but I was no where near my pre-accident limits. I started swimming. My balance was horrible, but improving. I used to fall over if I closed my eyes because I couldn't use the horizon to determine what vertical was. Now, with great effort, I could stay upright, but it was not easy.

Broken Back Recovery: The Accident

Late last year I broke my back in an accident I'm lucky to have survived. Initially I was worried I would never walk again. My back was broken in 2 places. I had 3 vertebrae fused together. After surgery I began to regain control of my legs. Slowly. This recovery process has been much slower than I want. Fortunately, in the whole scheme of things, I'm actually healing faster than anticipated. There are a lot of reasons to be grateful. I'm trying to keep my positive disposition. It's not always easy. I'm in pain every day. I still don't have total muscle control and my nerves are on their own time frame. Looking for encouragement, I have spent a lot of time online reading other people's stories. There's about a 10:1 ratio of bad to good narratives out there. The internet isn't the best place to find encouragement. I think I'm ready to start sharing my experiences as I recover and hopefully encourage anyone else out there going through a similar situation.

You Are What You Repeat

I've been seeing a physiotherapist for the last several months due to a tragic reading in bed accident that injured my shoulder. I'll be alright. My physiotherapist has a sign on his door that says, "You are what you repeat." That is very true in many aspects of life. Physically, I'm working on getting my shoulder back to 100%. Incidentally, my injured shoulder has never moved correctly. As a kid I thought I was double jointed but really, I most likely hurt myself when I was young and didn't heal properly. Now, 30 years later, not only am I trying to heal my most recent injury, I'm trying to repair damage from my childhood. Things are moving along nicely. It's so strange to think that I'll be able to move my arm in a way that was impossible for me most of my life. The secret, not that its a secret, is to repeat certain movements that activate specific muscles and restore range of motion. My shoulder is what it repeats. For decades I've been repeating improper movements and making them the unconscious function of my shoulder. I am now actively and consciously moving properly so that eventually my shoulder will function in the correct way without my constant attention and self awareness.

But that statement is true in other areas of our lives too. If you want to lose 30 pounds, you must eat sensibly and exercise on the first day. And then repeat it. And then repeat it again and again until it is no longer a diet and fitness regime, it is simply who you are.

If you want a million dollars in your bank account, you don't need to go find one big score. You need to earn a dollar and then save it. And then do it again and again until you reach your goal. If you don't repeat the steps required to reach your goal you will never reach your goal.

You are what you repeat so start doing what you want to be doing. Stop doing what you don't want to do. And then repeat.

It's Good To Have Goals

I have arrived.

Professionally, personally, relationally, financially.

I'm still working on the spiritual part of my life but that is a quest that doesn't end until one dies.

It's good to have goals. Without goals there's not much reason to get out of bed in the morning. I've achieved quite a few of my goals over the last couple years. I recently received a raise and promotion at work. I am where I want to be until I retire. It happened much sooner than I expected. I got married almost 2 years ago. I lost the 30 pounds I gained 3 years ago. I've swam with sharks. I completed a triathlon last year. Basically, I have reached most my goals in life already. I've scuba dived the Great Barrier Reef, been to the Arctic Cirle, seen the Northern Lights, jumped out of a plane, gone bungy jumping, etc.

It's time for new goals. I'll add kids to the list. Financial freedom. Disney World. Buy one last house. Get one more degree. One more triathlon. See the Egyptian Pyramids and Dubai. That will keep me busy for the next few years.

Without goals you will never achieve anything substantial in life. However, without a plan to reach your goals, you are just a day dreamer wasting time.

Make It Real

It doesn't have to be your dream if you make it your reality.

(Be prepared to work for it though.)

Recognizing Happiness

A coworker shared the following parable with me a couple days ago. He was talking about how he was re-evaluating his life and how he reads this story every couple days to remind himself of what's important.

—

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. “You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the businessman. “You should be working rather than lying on the beach!”

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, “And what will my reward be?”

“Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!” was the businessman’s answer.

“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, “You will make money and you’ll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!”

“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman’s questions. “You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!” he said.

“And then what will my reward be?” repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. “Don’t you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!”

Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will my reward be?”

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won’t have a care in the world!”

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, “And what do you think I’m doing right now?”

A couple days ago another coworker told me how he was working 100 hours a week at 2 different jobs and his own side business to earn money to pay for things like an extra vehicle, fancy clothes, and dance lessons for his 4 year old daughter.


I think it is more important to recognize happiness than chase it.

It's a Good Friday

Hello

Way back in the day, when I used to play guitar at church, I would take the hymns we were practicing and change the music. It's amazing to see how versatile some of these 300 year old lyrics really are. I'd change them up into country, jazz, and rock.  One of my favourites was turning Blessed Assurance into a 90's hip hop rap. Just imagine it.

Anyway, I came across Leo who does something similar with current songs. Here's Adele's Hello. I think it's better than the original.

Truth in Love

I have difficulty sharing the truth in a kind way. My default position tends to be rather blunt. Shotgun honesty. I'm working on it. The first phase of my recovery is just holding my tongue. Sometimes I don't need to correct someone. It just doesn't matter. If there is a major consequence as a result of someone doing something wrong based on a lie I will step in, but those situations are not nearly as common as I used to believe.

My guiding principle to sharing truth is giving everyone the benefit of the doubt that everyone wants to know the truth. Sometimes the truth contradicts what one wants to believe is true or contradicts one's feelings. Those are the areas I'm working at sharing the truth in a more loving manner. I try to treat people as though we are on the same team, with the same goal (the truth), rather than the opposition. The truth doesn't care about your feelings, but I do. I try to put myself in another person's shoes. What would it mean to my paradigm, my world view, my life, if I learned something I held as absolute was completely wrong?

Here's some examples from my life I'm currently mulling over.

A co-worker can't meet the type of guy she wants to end up with. She's fat. She asked what do guys want. The harsh reality is that guys don't want to be with a fat girl. They aren't attractive. If a guy is not attracted to you, you can have all the "personality" in the world and it doesn't matter. That's the truth. Get over it. If she were to lose weight she would have a much larger pool of guys to draw from with lot more quality guys in the pool.

A friend has started a business. It's a recreational business that few would be interested in other than a specific niche. Unfortunately its also quite easy to do at home without having to buy a lot of expensive materials. In my opinion its a very bad business idea. I think it will fold in under a year, after losing a lot of money. However, all our friends are telling him how great it is. I think a true friend should tell him to cut his loses and get out now.

An acquaintance is constantly posting "politically" correct soap box one liners calling on all the social justice warrior talking points. Its annoying seeing her "preach" all her untruths and opinions validating her own sense of virtue and superiority. One of her fake injustices is cultural appropriation. First, that's not a bad thing. Get over it. But secondly, and most hypocritically, she (a Caucasian) went to Africa and adopted a black baby. Let that sink in. If cultural appropriation is "bad" then the absolute worst version of cultural appropriation would be to appropriate a human baby of a different culture and race. This is one of the examples in which I have absolutely no compassion when sharing the truth. I'm patient with stupidity, not those who are proud of it.

If the truth offended you, I'm not sorry about that.

When The Man Comes Around

My friend recently found out her husband is dying. The doctors say he has less than 5 years to live. He could be dead tomorrow. There's no operation and no medication that can stop this. Only a miracle will change the inevitable.

I don't know what it would be like to know how little time you have left on this side of eternity. I'm sure it would make any person re-evaluate their life. We all know we have a limited number of days but we all assume that those days numbers in the tens of thousands. I mentioned in early blog posts about sudden illnesses and deaths that affected people I know much earlier in life than is expected. My cousin lost his wife to ALS. A coworker has learned she has MS. They were both younger than I am. Another coworker lost his daughter to cancer. She wasn't even 10. My parents are currently older than their parents were when they died. No one knows for sure how many days or years they have left. And yet, I would guess that we waste so much of our time on things that don't matter in the larger scheme of things.

My friend is preparing to be a widow in her 30s with 3 kids under the age of 9. Now that the reality of mortality has set in their priorities have changed. Life is not about going to work right now, even though money will be important in the future. They want to spend time together. They want to make videos for their kids to remember their dad.

I'm planning to live beyond 100 years old. How should I prioritize? Do I live like today is the first day of the rest of my life or live like today will be my last? What's the middle ground?

Proverbs XXI

If you're going to fish you need the right bait.
If you're going to hunt you need the right weapon.