Gulp

Ok

Here is the least thought out and most rushed post I will ever make.  That probably makes it the most honest.

I'm too busy to edit it or anything so expect a lot of errors.

I've been thinking a lot about myself and relationship lately.  Why?  Well, I've been so isolated for so long, I haven't really had any normal relationships for such a long time.  Over the last 6 months I've plunged myself into so many things and hung aroung with so many people that I think I am developing friendships.  I don't know what to do.  I know it sounds stupid but it's true.  I feel like I just got out of jail after 5 years in prison and I'm trying to figure out life on the outside.  It's strange because I see so many people with so many friends hanging out all the time and it does fascinate and confuse me a little.

I wonder how I fit in a relationship.  I am an introvert.  I like alone time.  How does someone who likes to be alone fit in a relationship?  I guess I'll figure that out.

The other thing that has been bothering me lately is a little embarrassing but whatever.  I always said I'd be 100% honest with this blog so here goes, my biggest secret.  I've been hinting at it for a while.  There is someone out there I like. I've liked her for 4 months or so and have not done anything about it.  For a couple reasons.  Most of which I've mentioned before in previous entries.  Now, I'm kinda at the point where I don't want to keep it inside anymore.  It's making me feel sad keeping it a secret.  There's a few things on my mind.  One - she won't feel the same.  That's life.  Two - she may like me, until she gets to know me and then finds out that the person she thought she liked isn't me.  Three - I may like her now but may find out she isn't the person I thought she was.  And four - We may actually like each other and click.  That's just as scary.  I don't want to hurt her and I don't want to make things awkward between us, but those seem like the only 2 inevitabilities I know.  I know it sounds stupid but I don't know how I fit in relationships or friendships and all that other stuff.  I barely talk to my best friend once every couple weeks, and I see her maybe every other month or so.  If that is the model of my best relationship, it doesn't lend itself well to these new relationships or to this possible romantic relationship.

Anyway, I've been kinda social with this person but in the last couple weeks it feels like she has slowed her communication with me.  Or maybe it's my imagination.  I don't know, but that's how I feel right now.  So there you go.  This has been something on my mind for so long.  I was kinda hoping it would fade away, but it hasn't.  I'm so confused.  I've tried to step back and just focus on God.  Now I'm trying to figure out where God is in all this.  I don't know.  But I don't want it to keep it kicking around in my head.  So, I've decided I'm going to tell her how I feel.  The end.  I don't know what to do after that.  Gulp.  I don't want her to get the wrong idea about me or my intentions or anything like that.

I seriously don't know what I am doing.  I've never had a girlfriend, in case you haven't figured that out.  i've just never really been that interested in anyone enough to persue a relationship.  (I'll have to write a disclaimer later on that.)

So, just to make a point, I don't simply want a girlfriend.  If that were the case, I could probably have a girlfriend right now if I wanted.  I want a particular person to be my girlfriend.  IF not her, then that's it, there's no one else I'm keeping on the back burner.  That's not the type of person I am.  It's not like I have a position I am interviewing people for.

So there you go.  Once again, I don't know if that person has ever read this blog so I don't want to say more than I have .  That's that.  All I want to say, is that she really is great.  Even if we don't work out, she still is great and I am excited to see how God works in her life and I know that someone somewhere will be extremely lucky some day because she will choose to be with him.  So there.  I'm done.

I'm going to tell her how I feel and rip this band aid off.  The end.

Gulp.

Maybe I shouldn't have shared this?

Gulp!

Update (Feb 7th)

Here's what I wrote Nov 23, 2010

An Amazing Person

I met an amazing person a little while ago.  I don't know much about this person.  That could be said of many people, but this person is so fascinating I'm finding myself wanting to know more.  It puts me in a place I haven't been in for some time.

This person is a woman.  I don't know if she even knows of my little corner on the internet but I want to be careful what I write, for my sake and hers.  She loves God like few people I have seen.  It is beautiful.  It is confusing.  I don't know what to do.

Relationships are my weakness, and romantic relationships are pretty much uncharted territory for me.  While I can usually socialize with new people with a little effort, every time I am around her my mind goes blank.  It frustrates me so much.

Why can't life be a romantic comedy?

I am left wondering, is this a God thing, or a me thing?  Probably a me thing.  And yet...

This is the thing I have turned over to God, cuz I have no idea how to proceed.  I am still learning how to be a friend.  I really don't think I am ready to be a boyfriend.  And yet...

So, I have decided to delight myself in the Lord.  To trust God.  To work towards becoming the person God wants me to be.  Hopefully life will fall into place.

Honestly, I don't know if I'll even publish this post, but I will keep it saved as a draft as I figure out how I feel about all this.