154 Days Ago

Wow, 154 days ago I started this blog.
This is entry number 106.
I didn't think I had that much to say.
As it turns out, I still have more to say.
I'm just reflecting on the journey I've been through the last 154 days.

I started writing as a way for me to be known by you.  It may sound sad but I lived my life in the shadows of the people who passed through my life.  I was not known and I did not know them.  It was a solitary life, mostly by default, not necessarily by choice.  Whatever the catalyst was, it happened about 5 months ago.  I remember being so unsatisfied with my life, or even dissatisfied with my life.  I snapped.  If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got.  I had to make some changes in my life.  They were simple changes, but they were drastic changes to me.  I was so lonely.  I did what scared me most, I introduced myself to people.  I was terrified.  =D   That's so funny to me now.  I can't believe how much bondage I was in, shackled to the fear of rejection and inadequacy.  I had no choice.  God was pushing me and I was too tired to resist anymore.

I don't do anything in half measures.  I'm either 100% in or I'm out.  So I dove headlong into this whole relationship thing.  I went to a pizza supper just to get to know people at the church and it was awesome.  I actually talked to people and they talked to me.  I know how simple it sounds, but to everyone who made an effort to talk to me, or shake my hand, or sit by me, thank you so much.  You have no idea what it meant to the old me, the guy who was scared to talk to strangers, or socialize, or share.  I started attending a monthly solitude prayer retreat.  I started attending a book study our church was doing.  That opened a whole world of opportunity for me to get to know people.  I could share my thoughts and ideas with people and we would actually discuss what was happening in our lives.  It is amazing to me how much that impacted my life.   I really was sad when the book was finished.  And I was surprised I was sad.  I used to be glad when my obligations were finished because it meant I was free from the social awkwardness to which I was subjected.  This time I wanted it go on longer.  I participated in the Fall Festival our church puts on for the neighbourhood kids.  It was so great.  I met more people.  I played with kids all day long.  A fire was sparked inside me.  I was given opportunities to help with worship by playing guitar.  That part of my life had been dormant for 7 years.  The fire grew.  Then I began to seek out a community of believers that were in the same stage of life as I was.  I stumbled into the C&C group I am currently a part of.  I have been there every single week for the past 4 months.  I started attending morning prayer meetings on Fridays.  Now I've started attending times of prayer on Thursdays before C&C too.  I have searched out other times of worship like Declare and Surrender and the Saskatoon Worship Community and attended those events.  I am a part of a men's bible study and a mixed group bible study.  I am on fire.  I am maybe a little burned out actually, but I am learning to pace myself and prioritize.  I've gone out for "coffee", and played video games, and went to a film festival, and gone snowboarding with so many great people.  I've been going to parties and on Wednesday I am hosting one of my own.  Woot! Woot!  I've hung out with people, just to hang out.  I am opening myself up to people, slowly, and it has all started with this blog.  I hope you have a sense of where I have come from and where I am going and why I am so excited.  I am a different person now.  Thank God!

So, I am 154 days into my new adventure and I am just getting started.  Old things have passed away and all things are new again.  Yes, yes, yes!  This will be a great year.  I've already had more hugs in the last week than I have had in the previous year.  Thank you beautiful ladies ;)  And I don't feel that brokenness anymore.  I'm not sure how it all began or even when it seemed to end but I know I am on the other side now.  Wow!  So here I am, fresh and new, like a baby just entering the world.  Amazing.  In 8 days I'm hopping on a bus with 10 people I know and 28 that I don't, and heading to Montana to go snowboarding in the mountains.  LOL Hahahahahahahahaha.  Do you know how ridiculous that would have sounded to me 155 days ago?  I would never go on a road trip with 28 strangers.  I couldn't really say I knew 10 people well enough to go on a road trip with them either.  I had never snowboarded in my life.  And why would I go to the mountains when I could stay home and play video games?

Abundant life.  I think I'm starting to understand it just a little bit.

Anyway, thanks for listening to my happy rant.  It was good for me to reflect a little bit.