Worship

For me worship is a hard thing to describe.  I'm sure most people think of music and singing when they think of worship.  That is usually what I think of as well, but my understanding is expanding.  I know people who worship through writing, through dance, through art.  I find it intriguing.  Whatever worship is, it includes an element of intimacy.  That is kinda what I want to focus on.  Intimacy with God.

Coming from an academic background, much of my understanding of God growing up was academic.  I could give all the right or doctrinally sound answers about God until one day while I was still in high school someone asked me, "How's your relationship with God?"  I was stuck.  I didn't know how to answer that.  I didn't understand the question.  What does that mean?  Where can I find that answer?  What is the right answer?  It even upset me a bit.  I go to church.  I tithe.  I'm a nice person.  What do you mean how's my relationship with God?  I think deep down I was aware that something was missing and I just didn't understand what it was.  Most of my adolescence I didn't really have much of a relationship with anyone, and so I didn't really have a frame of reference for a relationship with God.  I could tell you that the greatest commandment is to love God with all your heart, soul and mind, but I couldn't honestly say that I did.  I couldn't even comprehend what that meant.  And being academically minded, it troubled me that I couldn't answer that stupid question.  I'm glad someone asked me though because it triggered something in my life.  It created the realization that my relationship with God was not what I thought it was.  It caused me to start searching.

I now understand what it means to love and be loved, somewhat.  And I know what it means to love God with all my heart, soul and mind.  I can't say I do, but I strive to every day.  The fact that God loves me is sometimes so overwhelming, in a good way.  And now I feel a lump rising in my throat.  I wish I could say in words how I feel inside.  I wish I could let you know how great it is, and yet I can barely comprehend it myself.  How deep the Father's Love for us, how vast beyond all measure.  Sometimes I feel so unworthy.  My best is never good enough.  And that's the greatest thing about God's love.  It doesn't matter that I'm not worthy.  That's the whole point.  I long to love God like He loves me.  For me, I express that intimacy, my love, through music.  I am not a great singer, or guitarist, but that is my main outlet.  And God has made ways for me to use that outlet.

About  two months ago I was feeling the urge to participate in worship in church.  I was struggling a bit with the idea that I, a normal sinful guy, could even come before God and worship, let alone help lead people to God in worship.  But the urge was there.  It's not that I have the right to come before God and worship, its that He allows me to, and desires that I do.  It's so amazing.  I haven't done anything like this in years, and unfortunately I haven't really been involved in my church until just recently either.  But the urge was still there.  And literally 2 days later, at a pizza get-together at church (an event the old shy Clinton would have normally avoided) someone approached me and asked if I played the guitar and if I wanted to help with worship next week.  I was shocked and declined.  It was all happening a little too fast.  I think God likes having fun with us.  I told God I needed a little more time to get ready for this, but thanks for bringing the opportunity.  Several weeks later I was at church again, alone, (which is also something the old shy Clinton wouldn't normally do) and instead of taking off after the service like I normally would have, I forced myself to stay and visit.  I will be honest, it was not easy for me to do.  Several minutes later, the same person came up to me and asked me if I wanted to help with worship.  This time I was so ready I think I said yes before she even finished the question.  The last two weeks in a row I have helped with worship and it has been great.  I have made mistakes and  I have tried to hide behind the piano but I am amazed that God has made a way to let me participate.  In an earlier post I said helping with worship has meant more to me than I think anyone really knows.  Well, now you know.

I am thankful for those opportunities.  I am thankful that my understanding of worship is growing.  I am thankful for God's love.  I pray that this intimacy may increase for me and you.