Friday, November 12, 2010

Happy Clint

I'm typing as I think my thoughts so I apologize for the unedited chaos that's about to follow.

I'm still going through a bit of a low right now, which is unusual for me.  In fact, I'm usually so happy my nick name at my last job was Happy Clint.  I am generally positive and upbeat but right now that's not how I feel.  I try not to put too much stock in feelings because they can fluctuate for no reason whatsoever.  (Although they still are a barometer of how things are going in my life.)  Maybe it's the weather, or lack of sleep or something else but I feel blah.  I'm trying to figure this out.

Wednesday was the first Wednesday without our book study.  That's part of it.  The weather has been grey and cloudy lately.  That's part of it too.  I haven't really talked with my friend AH lately and that could be a contributing factor.  My brother has been very busy and so I haven't seen him as much as I would like either.  I think I'm feeling lonely.

It's weird for me to say I'm feeling lonely because I actually like plenty of alone time.  For me, being alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely.  However, it's been said that no one feels lonelier than in a crowd.  That is true for me, and I have been in a lot of "crowds" lately.  When I am alone I am not usually aware of what is lacking.  However, when I am with a group of people, and I see everyone connecting and relating, I notice what is missing in my life.  I am jealous of those people who always have a group to hang out with.  Everyone is a friend.  They can have a get together and 50 people show up.  Sometimes I wish that was me.

This last week or so I have been getting involved with every group I can find.  Prayer groups.  Solitude groups.  Youth groups.  College and Career groups.  Book groups.  Volunteer groups.  Worship groups.  And the funny thing is, all this time with people has made me realize how lonely I feel.  I am still searching for a place I feel I fit, and I am still searching for friends.  I don't know if I've found it yet.  I don't want to run away from the groups I have been a part of though.  I said previously that it takes me a long time to make friends.  I need to continue to participate in these groups, although, in a weird sort of way, I think attending these functions just reminds me how lonely I feel.  Will things change?  I hope so.

I went to C&C last night.  It was good, again.  The worship meets me where I am at.  The people are great, and yet at the end of the night, that's when I find I feel loneliest.  Sometimes I feel like a stranger among a group of friends.  I need to push through.  It's too easy to run away.  That's what I've always done before and I don't want to do it anymore.  It's weird that chasing the thing I desire is what seems to create the feeling I despise.

Things will get better though.  When I need nourishment, I get hungry.  When I need sleep, I get tired.  I suppose when I need relationships, I get lonely.  God has designed us to pick up on the signals we need to keep us healthy.  Maybe my loneliness is a good thing.  I'm finally desiring something that has been so scarce in my life for too long.  I just wish it didn't have to be so hard to make friends.

And so I continue in my quest to bring back Happy Clint.

2 comments:

Unknown said...

"When I need nourishment, I get hungry. When I need sleep, I get tired. I suppose when I need relationships, I get lonely"

From one introvert to another....thanks, that one really made me think!!!!

Clinton said...

Hey, it's what I do.