How I Feel

There's so much going on in my my mind right now. This will be a very very long entry as I try to talk through all these unfamiliar feelings.

I am so tired now. I am physically tired from snowboarding. I am physiologically tired from getting very little sleep. But the biggest source of my exhaustion is an emotional tiredness. I feel so emotionally and psychologically drained.

I think I'm being broken. That's a bit of a Christianese phrase. I feel like all the things in my life that I've built up are being pulled down. I think that I am being torn down so I can be built up again, by God. I know of many people and books that talk about God using brokenness to build up people into the child of God they could/should be. I never really understood what that would feel like. However, now I feel like I'm going through something that I can only describe as brokenness. I feel so shattered and I can't think of any external reasons why. Besides having to replace my car, everything else is going rather well. However, on the inside there's so much turmoil and discontentment. I'm longing and hungry. I want to abandon myself to God. Is that just an excuse to not take responsibility for myself or is that the whole purpose of this brokenness?

I am still seeking. I need to be with Jesus. That's all I want right now.

No, I think I lied. The truth is I want a lot of things. What I'm learning is that I need to want Jesus first and foremost. There's still other things I want, but Jesus has to be first. I want a fully loaded luxury car, but can't justify it. I want to buy a rental property. I want to take a vacation. I wouldn't mind going on a trip to Israel. I want a particular someone to like me. I want a new electric guitar. All these things seem so conceited and selfish. I know that Jesus needs to be more important to me than all these things or nothing else will matter. It feels like my priorities are being shuffled around as Jesus takes His rightful place in my life. Frick. It hurts. I don't even know why. Inside things are being tossed and turned and mixed up. Nothing is where I left it.

Part of all this re-arranging in my life is tied to my longing. I'm searching for the thing that can satisfy my longing. I have been looking for the place where I fit and I don't know where that it is. It is disconcerting to feel like a round peg in a square hole. It is scary for me to think that the place I am at is not the place that God has planned for me. I don't like change and yet change seems to be on its way. That is causing me some internal turmoil as well.

This weekend I was at a thing called Veritas. It was basically working on discovering who we (my particular church) are and where we are going. It wasn't quite what I expected but it was good. I originally didn't want to go but I changed my mind at the last minute. I will be honest, as usual, and confess that I have been considering going to a different church. For some people that's about as inconsequential as changing socks, but to me it is a huge decision. I don't take it lightly. I grew up going to my parent's church because it was my parent's church. Then I went to a church of the same denomination when I moved to another city because it was the same denomination. This is the first time in my life I can honestly say I am looking for a church where I fit. I want to add that these churches are great but maybe just not great for me. We'll see. After searching I may find myself staying where I am at, but it will because I've have made an intentional effort to seek God's will in this area. The reason I attended Veritas was to find out who "we" really are. It was good. Many people opened up and shared what was on their hearts. It still left me feeling confused though.

I am struggling with how to reach the lost.  How do I share Jesus with others?  How do I care for others?  How do I meet the needs of others?  How do I live out the social gospel?  How do I serve?  Where are the opportunities for me to share my gifts?  I try to serve and give, but it never seems like enough.

And on top of all of this I just feel so empty.  Maybe it's because I haven't had much me time lately and I need to charge my batteries.  Maybe it's something else.  All I know for sure is I feel like I am running on fumes at the moment.  

And that's how I feel.

Lord, please help me.  You know my heart.  Please let me know Yours.  Please continue the work in me that You have begun.  Fill me up.  I am so tired and empty.  I need You more.