The Last Couple Days

Dear Diary,

The last week has been a blur.  I have been running from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed.  Work, meetings, gatherings, etc... I am learning to be a healthy introvert, and one thing I now realize is that I need to make time for me.  During the weekend I was so exhausted I had no energy.  It wasn't from lack of sleep or food, but lack of alone time.  I started seeing everything I had scheduled as an inconvenience, which is unfortunate because many of those things were very God centered.  I went into our prayer/solitude morning on Saturday with that attitude, but it changed once I arrived.  I am glad God met me there and changed my perspective.  I now realize that taking time out just for me allows me to more fully involve myself in the things I do think are important.

What I really do want to talk about though are the last couple days, starting on Tuesday.  Tuesday night I went to a time of praise and worship at the Christian school. I stumbled upon it through facebook.  I have said in early entries that sometimes I miss services like this.  Tuesday night I stumbled into one.  It was definitely more of a charismatic bent than I thought it would be.  It was good.  I have a lot more thoughts on it, but I am still organizing them.  I left with a lot of questions too.  I didn't really know who I could talk to about it but I had the urge to talk to someone.  Either way, I will attend the next one.

Wednesday morning I had scheduled my very first Spiritual Direction meeting.  If you don't know what that is, I can't really explain it, so we'll just leave it at that, but it was good too.  And as it turned out, it was the perfect place to discuss the night before.  It helped me accept myself, my personality traits and my way of approaching God.  I tend to meet God in the "quiet place".  Tuesday was pretty much the opposite of that, but that's ok.  Not everyone is like me and I believe there are many honest and heartfelt ways to worship.  Maybe someday, I will be more like Tuesday night, but right now I am more like Wednesday morning.  My goal is just to be(come) the person God wants me to be.

In the afternoon I went to PA and met up with some new friends from C&C in PA.  We went snowboarding. It was a lot of fun.  It was my first time snowboarding.  All I will say is that I did not hurt myself nearly as much as I expected.  That's a good thing, I guess.  We hung out at a restaurant from 10pm to midnight, and then I went back to my parents place for the night. Mom and I ended up talking until 2am about life, love and God.  It was all good.

And then tonight was College and Career.  This is difficult for me to write but I promise to be honest with this blog in good times and bad.  I had a bit of an anxiety attack tonight.  It hasn't happened to me in a long time, but tonight, as I entered the building, I felt like the walls were closing in on me.  I fought it.  The old me would have just left.  I stayed through worship and the sermon and discussion afterwards.  I like C&C a lot and it really frustrated me that I was getting this anxious feeling, particularly here, with all these great people.  As people began visiting I felt like I was being suffocated.  I felt the need to get outside, to catch my breath.  I didn't fight it any longer, but I wish I did.  As I left I had opportunities to stay and talk with people.  I wish I did.  I feel like I missed out on something for not staying and visiting, but the urge to get outside was so strong.  I am frustrated that I didn't fight it harder.  I am frustrated that this even happened in the first place.  I had been doing good for so long.  Instead, I immediately put my jacket on and left.  So disappointed in myself.  There's only 2 more meetings this year and I vow not to do again what I did tonight.

I am glad that God is a God who redeems.  I feel bad about not making more of tonight.  I feel bad for not getting to know the people a little better.  There are people there that I want to talk to and hang out with.  I feel like I didn't get the most out of this evening, but like I said, God redeems.  This Saturday is the C&C Christmas party.  I am a bit nervous because it is all about socializing (my weakness), but I feel like this Saturday is a chance to make up for tonight. Thank you, Lord.  Please continue to give me new chances to recover lost opportunities.  I promise I will do my best to seize every one of them.

And here I write.  I'm still a little disappointed that I didn't visit with some people, especially since I had the opportunity, but I will continue to go back to God, trust Him, become the person He wants me to be, and all the rest can take care of itself.

Thank you Lord,
Clinton