Don't Read This

My life is mostly an open book.  I may not volunteer a lot of information but if you ask, I will share, except for one area of my life.  I guess it's an insecurity left over from long ago.  It's a post I'm still working on.  

I have been thinking about something for a long time now and I don't know what to do.  I want to share it with someone, but I don't know who.  I've talked about it with a friend who sees life completely different than I do and that has helped.  I like to think I can reason my way through most of life's ups and downs.  What frustrates me is that there is one thing that can't be studied and reasoned and researched.  And that is the thing I am stuck on right now.  It feels like I am bottling it up deep inside and what I'd really like to do is put it out "there" and see what happens.  So, here is a post I wrote Nov 23rd that I wasn't ready to share at the time.  I guess I'm still not quite ready to do anything with it but maybe this is a bit of a catharsis for me putting it out on the internet.  

An Amazing Person

I met an amazing person a little while ago.  I don't know much about this person.  That could be said of many people, but this person is so fascinating I'm finding myself wanting to know more.  It puts me in a place I haven't been in for some time.

This person is a woman.  I don't know if she even knows of my little corner on the internet but I want to be careful what I write, for my sake and hers.  She loves God like few people I have seen.  It is beautiful.  It is confusing.  I don't know what to do.

Relationships are my weakness, and romantic relationships are pretty much uncharted territory for me.  While I can usually socialize with new people with a little effort, every time I am around her my mind goes blank.  It frustrates me so much.

Why can't life be a romantic comedy?

I am left wondering, is this a God thing, or a me thing?  Probably a me thing.  And yet...

This is the thing I have turned over to God, cuz I have no idea how to proceed.  I am still learning how to be a friend.  I really don't think I am ready to be a boyfriend.  And yet...

So, I have decided to delight myself in the Lord.  To trust God.  To work towards becoming the person God wants me to be.  Hopefully life will fall into place.

Honestly, I don't know if I'll even publish this post, but I will keep it saved as a draft as I figure out how I feel about all this.

I think that felt good to put out there.  I definitely have more to write about this personal insecurity of mine but that can wait until the new year.  This is Christmas time and there are so many better things to think about right now.