Friday, October 15, 2010

Introduction III C

Imagine walking into a room and knowing that everyone was judging you.  Judging your appearance, your intellect, your sense of humour, your clothes, your hair, how you walked, everything about you.  Imagine they were all waiting for you to do something they disapproved of so they could reject you outright and never associate with you again.  That is Social Anxiety Disorder.  That is how most of my adolescence felt.  I know now that it was all in my head but for the majority of my life, that's how I lived.  That is not my life anymore.

In the last two "Introductions" (lntroduction III AIntroduction III B) I wrote about my past with SAD.  In this post I want to write about where I am at now, the difference between SAD (which I have beaten) and being an introvert which I have accepted.  Finally, I want to go through a quick synopsis of my personality type so that anyone reading this has a better insight into who I am.  Apparently only 1% of the world is the same as me.  Crazy.  My goal is to be known and understood by the other 99%, or at least the people in my life.

Where am I now?

I'm busy living a mostly normal life.  I have a job, a few friends, some hobbies (which can mostly be done alone, go figure), a church, and a few regularly scheduled gatherings of people that I make an effort to attend. I no longer feel like everyone is judging me all the time.  I do not fear rejection like I once used to although it does pop up some times.  I am good at putting it in its place.  I am actively making an effort to be involved with things that excite me, like music or kids.  I don't look for excuses to avoid gathering with people, although many times I would prefer not to go.  That has more to do with my introvertedness than anything else.  I am an introvert and I have accepted that, but I still work on overcoming the weakness of being such.  As for the SAD thing, it is in my past.

The difference between SAD and being an introvert

SAD is fear.  Fear of social ostracism.  Fear of rejection.  Fear, fear, fear.  The end.

An introvert is a person who desires alone time and has ability to rest and gain strength by being alone.  This tends not to make sense to extroverts who, when tired, decide to go out to the bar or a party or hang out with friends to recoup.  Where do you recharge your batteries?  An extrovert draws energy from being around people.  An introvert needs time alone to be refreshed.

An excellent website that deals with all things introvert can be found here.  Introverts aren't always the wallflowers at the dance although, I was so introverted at times, I aspired to be a wallflower.  Steve Martin is an example of an introvert who I don't think anyone would consider a loner or withdrawn.  I mentioned several posts ago that those who only knew me slightly would have no idea of the struggle I have gone through.  Part of that is because even though I am an introvert, there were times where I took the lead or got the party started.  Even when suffering from SAD, if I was in a group that I absolutely knew for years and years, and could be 100% sure no one was judging me (usually family or sometimes church youth group), I was the life of the party. No one ever thinks the guy "up front" is scared or shy, but I was.

For the longest time I always asked God, "What is wrong with me?  Is there something broken that needs to be fixed or something different that needs to be accepted?"  I gradually came to the realization that I was dealing with two distinct issues.  During my recovery I had to differentiate between my introvertedness and my SAD which was not always easy.  For example, I hated meeting new people.  The SAD part of me would say, "I am scared this stranger will not like me or make fun of me."  The introverted part would say, "I have enough people in my life, lets go somewhere alone and think."  Both responses would be to avoid the new person, but for entirely different reasons.  I am glad to say I no longer fear strangers, however, I still prefer to travel in circles where I am already known.   Having said that, I know life can't be lived to the fullest by hanging with the same people all the time.  Luckily I have made the effort to go to small groups or pizza nights (that I would have preferred to avoid) where I have met some amazing people who I hope will one day be a part of my new, larger circle of friends.

My Personality Type

If you haven't heard of the Myers-Briggs personality test I encourage you  to look it up online and take a brief personality test.  In addition to determining degree of introversion or extroversion it deals with other motivations, skill sets, strengths and weaknesses.  It is a valuable tool for for those looking for a little more insight into who they are.  There is a great book called, "Please Understand Me", which expands greatly on the personality types.  I am an INTJ.
INTJs are rare, comprising no more than, say, one percent of the population, but INTJs are head and shoulders above all the rest in contingency planning.  INTJs are analytical. They are most comfortable working alone and tend to be less sociable than other types. Nevertheless, INTJs are prepared to lead if no one else seems up to the task, or if they see a major weakness in the current leadership. They tend to be pragmatic, logical, and creative. They have a low tolerance for spin or rampant emotionalism. They are not generally susceptible to catchphrases and do not recognize authority based on tradition, rank, or title. INTJs are strong individualists who seek new angles or novel ways of looking at things. They enjoy coming to new understandings. They tend to be insightful and mentally quick; however, this mental quickness may not always be outwardly apparent to others since they keep a great deal to themselves. They harbour an innate desire to express themselves; that is to be creative by conceptualizing their own intellectual designs. Analyzing and formulating complex theories are among their greatest strengths.  They are very determined people who trust their vision of the possibilities, regardless of what others think. They may be considered the most independent of all of the sixteen personality types.
from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/INTJ

As for social relationships, where I still struggle with most, here's what you can expect from an INTJ:
The most independent of all types, INTJs trust their intuition when choosing friends and mates—even in spite of contradictory evidence or pressure from others. The emotions of an INTJ are hard to read, and neither male nor female INTJs are apt to express emotional reactions. At times, INTJs seem cold, reserved, and unresponsive, while in fact they are the opposite, almost hypersensitive to signals of rejection from those they care for. In social situations, INTJs may also be unresponsive and may neglect small rituals designed to put others at ease. For example, INTJs may communicate that idle dialogue such as small talk is a waste of time. This may create the impression that the INTJ is in a hurry—an impression that is not always intended. They generally withhold strong emotion and do not like to waste time with what they consider irrational social rituals. This may cause non-INTJs to perceive them as distant and reserved; nevertheless, INTJs are usually very loyal partners who are prepared to commit substantial energy and time into a relationship to make it work.In their interpersonal relationships, INTJs are usually better in a working situation than in a recreational situation.
from  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/INTJ
Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon them in interpersonal situations.
This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense.
from http://typelogic.com/intj.html

Wow, that was a lot.  My apologies.

Cheers

2 comments:

Unknown said...

I took the Myers Briggs for some career counseling that I did 4-5 months ago and I'm an ISTP. I think these types of tests are interesting and yes there were a few phrases in my personality description that I could relate to but in my lifetime I will change, learn and grow alot and I'm not gonna follow the rules. Maybe that's a typical response based on my personality type hey?!

Clinton said...

I know what you mean. We all change. I'm not trying to be an INTJ, I'm just being me, which happens to line up with INTJ. However, although I am a hardcore I N and T, my J is just barely more than a P. This sounds like mumbo jumbo but if you can actually follow my logic, I can fluctuate between the J and the P. After reading my comment I just realized that it is mostly incomprehensible. Ignore it all.

Yep, we do change. I am way less introverted than I once was. Who knows, one day I may be and extrovert. (Probably not) Whatever, I like me. I have changed. I think I am improving in all areas of my life and that's enough for me.

And yes, that is a very ISTP thing to say.