Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Fade

I have been an emotional wreck for the last month.
Today something happened that hasn't happened in a long time.
I felt ok.
I am not over her.
But I am getting over her.
Slowly.
She is amazing.
What we had was special.
It was the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced.

I have so much to say. However, it is intense, and personal and revelatory and I do not want to say anything that would betray her trust and confidence in me. So I will meditate on it for a while. I have written a lot of  thoughts and feelings down.



I feel like taking a break for a while.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

The River

I'm swimming in the river
The water is my tears
Bouyed by my hopes and dreams
The river knows my fears


I'm submerged in emotion
Heartache and sorrow are the waves
Faith is the current
Flowing into better days


These feelings are a deluge
But neither good nor bad
Results of rapids I've gone through
Past experiences I've had


I will not drown in the river
It is not my destiny
The flow and substance are my creation
But the Truth shall set me free


Wednesday, July 11, 2012

33

I am 33. I know, I am just as surprised as you are. My age has never really come up or been an issue until just recently and so I thought I would talk about what it means to me.

In Good Company
Jesus laid the foundations to change the world by the time he was 33. He only started in his "calling" or "career" as a teacher when he was 30. (Nice to know I'm not the only late bloomer.) He died for the sins of the world.
Bon Scott, the original singer and founder of ACDC, died at age 33.
Rocky Balboa didn't do much until he fought Apollo Creed at age 33.
Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic at age 33.
Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote his essay, "Nature," encouraging readers to see the miraculous in the common at 33.

So, I'm in good company I guess, although maybe a little behind the 8-ball in the whole achieve-something-great scheme of things.

The thing is, I don't feel 33.

Question Time
One of these guys is 53 and the other is 33. Which is which?







The top guy was 53 (and 50) when those pictures were taken.
The bottom guy was 33 (and 32) in those pictures.

And that's why I think age is nothing more than a number. It is just a place holder and a label used to categorize people for things that are only minimally age related.

The Test
Seeing as I have been thinking a lot about my age lately I ran a little test. I asked people who I've known for various lengths of time, and some strangers, how old they thought I was. I excluded immediate family members who know how old I am. The answers ranged from 25 to 31. The mean was 27 while the mode was 28. So, we'll just say that the average person thinks I'm 27 to 28 years old based on my appearance and personality. There are some surprising bits of information to be gleaned from this very unscientific survey. First, no one guessed older than my age. Second, no one guessed my age. Third, the entire data set was 2 to 8 years younger than my actual age. The majority thought I was in my 20's. This reinforces my belief that age is just a number. It is not who you are. I know I am not my age.

Thoughts
As best I can figure, age is only really important when you're trying to get a handle on someone's health/life expectancy or the stage of life they are in. The problem is that it is not an accurate reflection of who I am in either of those areas. I don't have the life experience of your average 33 year old. I am not in the stage of life an average 33 year old is in. I am also extremely fit and healthy compared to almost everyone else my own age. So where does that leave me? Sometimes I feel like I am caught in limbo. (click here to understand why I am the way I am) When people know how old I am they expect me to act and be a certain way and that is not who I am. When I hang around with people "my age" I feel so out of place. They are in a different stage of life than I am and I just can't relate. I don't have kids. I haven't been married for 10 years. I don't have in-laws. I don't have aches and pains. I'm not balding. I'm just starting out in my career. I have different interests. In my head I am 26. That's the stage of life and level of experience I have. My body doesn't really know its 33 either, but one day it may figure it out, and I think that's what created the issue I'm dealing with. One day my body may act it's age, and not the 7 to 10 years younger it thinks it is.

Two years ago I moved back to the city. I had been working up in Northern Canada for several years, starting out in my career and paying my dues, so to speak. When I moved back I knew I needed to be involved in some sort of Christian circles and so I attended a college and career group and a 30+ group. Wow. I figured out quite quickly that I am not 30+. They were all so old and boring. (I'm not saying being boring is a pre-requisite to being 30+.) I did not fit at all. So I went to C&C. I found people who were in University, finishing degrees, starting out in their careers, figuring out life, learning about God, and learning about relationships. And that was exactly the stage of life I was in. I had been out of school for a couple years by then but I knew what it was like and I was just starting out in my career like many other C&Cers were. We liked the same movies and music. We played video games and ultimate frisbee. We joked and shared and prayed and had fun. It felt right. It's where I fit. Honestly, I don't feel out of place there even though I am about 8 years older than the average C&Cer. I don't think the average C&Cer thinks I'm out of place there either.

Several months ago I went to a friend's birthday party. He turned 23. His wife is 22. Their friends were 22 and 23. And then there was me. No one knew how old I was and it didn't matter. I didn't feel out of place and they didn't think I was out of place either. How we related and how we had fun had nothing to do with our ages. It was a good time.

Having said all that, age does play a role in categorizing some fairly important statistics. Life expectancy, illnesses, overall health, etc... are tracked and categorized by age. As young as I think and feel, I can't ignore the fact that I am statistically closer to death than most of the people I hang out with. However, I said statistically. In reality I am extremely healthy, in very good physical condition, and do not have a family history of disease (I'm not counting type II diabetes). Although statistics may say that the average 33 year old male will live another 48 years, I am above average. And I am above average because I am very intentional about taking care of my physical self. I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. Through diet and exercise I plan to help my physical body live as long as possible in the best health possible. I don't have a wife or kids yet, but I made a decision a while ago to be the best I could be for their sakes.

My Conclusion
I relate to others and am related to by others as though I was an average 26 year old. I can't change that, and I don't see the need to change it. I am who I am and I like me. Unfortunately, I think my actual age causes problems when people have trouble reconciling who I am with the number associated with me. It hurts because I am who I am, not an age, but decisions are made based on my age and not who I am.

I don't think age is as important as it is built up to be. Life experience, life expectancy and health are. I can't speak for all the 33 year-olds out there, but for myself, I am 26 in all the ways that are important.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Uganda

I have friends going on a missions trip to Uganda. The first leg of their journey begins tomorrow. I'm praying for them. If you have a moment, please pray for them too.

I'm praying that their work there will be successful. I'm praying for health and safety. I'm praying that God will be evident and tangible on this trip. I'm praying for changed lives, both theirs and the people with whom they come in contact. I know that these trips have a very deep impact on those going, sometimes more than those receiving. I'm praying that amazing things will happen in the lives of everyone involved.

Thank you Lord for being a part of this trip. Lord, please change hearts, impact lives and heal souls. In Jesus name I ask for these things. Amen.

Monday, July 9, 2012

VBS Wrap

VBS was great again this year. I'm always amazed to see all the people who volunteer, who take time off work, who sacrifice some of their vacation to make it go so smoothly. These people deserve a hand.

I pray that the message we tried to impart to the kids sticks. I pray that we were real. I pray that God was revealed to the kids through the messages, songs, stories, games, bible verses and through our actions. I pray that a seed was planted.

I have noticed a huge difference in me between this year and last year. Last year I was more of an assistant and behind the scenes kind of guy, helping with games. This year I was very much in an upfront and lead kind of role. I played a secret agent who was in charge of training all our juniour agents through on stage stunts (using mostly willing volunteers) and I was also responsible for teaching the kids the memory verses during our open sessions in the sanctuary. When everyone broke into smaller groups I was part of a story telling team.  We told biblical stories to the kids that illustrated the theme of each day. It was good. It definitely allowed me to be more myself, even though it was more of a spotlight role. One of the biggest changes in me I noticed though was during song times. I was not afraid or self conscious to do the actions to the songs. I don't know when that changed but it was definitely different than how I felt last year. (check out the excerpt in this entry about doing actions to songs) Overall, I felt much more free. I knew people this year. I even remembered some of the kids from last year as well. It was great. Working with kids is really a part of who I am. I will be back next year, and the year after, and the year after...

Thursday, July 5, 2012

VBS Day 4

So Tired.
Some of the kids started bringing their friends and introducing them to me. That was sweet.
Unfortunately I have to work all day tomorrow and so I will not get a chance to say "bye" the way I would like to.
It really has been great though.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

VBS Day 2

Do not let 8 year olds "shave" shaving cream off balloons with forks and spoons. There are not enough tarps in the world to protect the carpet from that mess. On the flip side, the stage has just been hand cleaned and has never smelled better.

Good things have been happening. Interesting things have been happening. I want to write a summary post at the end of VBS describing the ways I've seen positive transformation. Mostly in me.

And this morning one of the kids drew a picture of Special Agent CC. That's me. It made me feel special. I had to struggle not to tear up.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Praise You In This Storm

By Casting Crowns



I am going through a tough time at the moment. I am sad. I wrote an entry a long time ago about how it was easy to trust God when things are going good but more difficult to trust when things are rough. Right now things are very rough. However, even back then, I promised that no matter my circumstances I will trust in God. At C&C a few weeks ago the message was about joy and grief. It can all be summed up by saying joy comes from God and grief comes from circumstances. I am trying to focus on God and not circumstances at this time. But I'll be honest, I am praying for a miracle to change circumstances. It may never come but I am praying for something that is worth praying for. Even though I am seeking God first, I am not giving up on this miracle yet. I am very aware that this answer to prayer may take a long time to come to pass, if ever. That's ok. It's worth waiting for.

I came across a prayer I wrote last year. Even though it has been almost 18 months since I prayed it, I can see it being answered here in the present. That gives me hope. I know I don't see how God is moving behind the scenes as life plays out, but I pray with all my might that I am within His will. I have so many more thoughts on the subject, but so little time to write them out.

Lord, You know my heart. Sometimes that is a scary thought but not right now. Lord, search me and know me. Guide me, direct me, receive my praises, remove my pain, set my feet on the path You ordained for me. Lord, I believe it is honouring to You and within Your will so I am asking for this miracle.

Amen.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Insanity

I'm doing ok.

VBS starts tomorrow. Controlled chaos. We are expecting about 150 kids ages 6 to 12.

I am a secret agent. I'm trying to decide if I am a James Bond or an Ethan Hunt.
Last year I was a surfer dude.

It will be a crazy week. VBS in the mornings and work in the afternoons and evenings with a 3 day charter next weekend. I will not be able to catch my breath until next Monday.

Here we go. I'm looking forward to it.