I'm going through something I can't explain right now. Usually these entries are already composed in my head before I put them online. However, some of the entries I just throw out there on the fly. This will be one of those.
I've been feeling homesick lately. I can't really say why. The last year and a half has been all about me finding out where or what my home actually is. Before that I spent the previous 5 years floating around with work at no fixed address. My goal was to work my way back "home". I thought I had arrived. And yet I'm not feeling settled. Not really. The last year or so I have been trying to find out where I fit. I'm closer than when I started but I haven't arrived yet.
And today that feeling of homesickness seemed to overwhelm me. I don't know why. I felt like I was saying bye to familiar things. I don't place a lot of value in "feelings" (some but not a lot). It could just as easily be a lack of sunlight or eating donuts after midnight. So I'm trying to figure out if this is the donuts or something else.
There are a lot of options in front of me right now. I don't know if I should choose any of them or just keep things the same. I don't like changes but one thing the last 18 months has taught me is that though transitions may be difficult the final result can be worth the discomfort.
I'm just trying to figure out which one of these paths will take me home. I haven't felt "home" for a long time. Maybe I never will. I don't like to think about that. What I do know is that I don't feel home right now, and so maybe I'm not where I'm supposed to be, yet. Arg.
I know that a year ago I was going through a similar search. Looking for where I belong and searching for deeper meaning. The desire for more began out of nowhere and seemed to end where it began. Somehow things appeared to be resolved. But now it seems to be starting all over again.
And I'm scared I'll make a bad decision. A decision that can't be undone easily, or at all. And unfortunately when I have decisions to be made with those types of consequences I tend to freeze up and make no decision at all (which is a decision to let things remain the same). I've been saying for a while now that there were going to be some major changes coming in my life. Well, those changes, or not, will be happening over the next month or two.
3 comments:
What is 'home' for you? What are you looking for?
I think you're beginning to touch on something quite significant and profound here.
"I don't like changes but one thing the last 18 months has taught me is that though transitions may be difficult the final result can be worth the discomfort."
That's such a huge truth for us to realize, one that I still fight with.
"Seek until you find." Didn't Jesus say something like that? Keep seeking, even if you're not totally clear on what you're looking for. Or are you clear?
(I just got back from a spiritual retreat and the importance of what you're wrestling with is very present in my awareness.)
I have been asking myself that question for a while now. What is home for me? When I was working up north I thought home would simply be living back in the south. It would be a house and a car and a job. But now that I am back and have those things I realize that isn't really what home is to me. Home is being in the place where I belong. And where I belong is where I have a purpose. And I am very certain that my purpose involves mentoring and youth. So I am heading in that direction. I would also like to believe that home includes friends, family, a wife, lots of kids and a dog. That may take a while. I am still seeking, and finding.
Having said all that, I'm still not 100% clear on what I'm looking for, but I am relatively certain I will know when I find it, or get closer to it. I know where I'm at right now is not quite home for me.
"I'm still not 100% clear on what I'm looking for..."
That's not a bad place to be at all. I'm glad you're moving in the direction you seen more purpose in, even when it means sacrificing some potential pleasure and comfort, and even if you aren't totally sure what 'home' will be.
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