Social Media Masks

According to facebook even more friends are engaged now than 24 hours ago. See my post below.

It amazes me how many people seem to feel the need to post what they are doing on social media. I admit, as a blogger, I do the same thing. But rarely do I feel the need to share that I am buying a new shirt or post a picture of me doing something stupid the moment I do it. It seems as though most social media feeds itself, for no purpose other than to create an "advertisement" promoting the poster. I believe it was Shakespeare who wrote, "Me thinks thou dost post too much." Translated to modern day English: The more you say it (or post it) the less likely it is to be true. A perfect example is the "selfie". People take pictures of themselves to show how beautiful they are, or funny they are, or how great they are, or how much fun they are having, or to boast about their exciting party or vacation, etc... I remember a time when people just did things because they wanted to. Now it seems like people do something just to show other people. And like Shakespeare said, the more you say it, the less likely it is to be true. When I'm having fun, I'm in the moment. The last thing on my mind is that I need to take a picture of it and share it immediately with everyone so they know I am having fun. I propose that those who do are insecure and whatever the picture or post shows, reality is not as the picture makes it appear. I think there's insecurity and a need for affirmation behind most selfies and status updates.

Having said that, I pulled a minor facebook prank just to see who will bite. We'll call it a social experiment. I made a claim that isn't true. Anyone who knows me knows it isn't true. Those who've talked to me in the last couple days knows it can't be true. And yet I've gotten over 10 comments and over 70 "likes" from my lie. What did this prove? Reality and social media are 2 different things. Whether intentional or not, things on social media are not always what they seem. I'd hazard a guess that things are mostly not what they seem. Social media is more a mask for the user than a revelation. Even when we post honest things, our omissions create a false picture others see. I may honestly post all the great things happening in my life, but if I omit all the sad things too, I paint an unbalanced picture of sunshine and mountaintops, while ignoring shadows and valleys. The result is deceptive.

In case you follow me on facebook as well as here, no, I did not go to Hawaii for New Years.
Thanks for all well wishes. I promise everything else I post is true.

2014

So, it's 2014.

I rang in the new year by getting one of the better nights of sleep I've had in quite some time. In bed by 9:30pm. Awake at 7am. I guess I needed it. I'm not one for making New Year's resolutions, or at least not keeping them. I'm still working on my "No Procrastinating" resolution from a few years ago. However, I think this year I will aim at getting a good night's sleep every night.

The secret to keeping any "resolution", be it New Year's related or not, is to make it reasonable, quantifiable and remember the plan is the goal. Saying, "I will lose 50 pounds this year," doesn't meet the requirements. However, "I will cut out desserts and walk for 30 minutes every day to lose 50 pounds" does. The final destination is merely the result of the real goal, to walk and eat less carbs. It's an actual plan that can be enacted, quantified and realistically achieved. Losing 50 pounds is just the byproduct of walking and eating less.

My goals for 2014, not resolutions, are:
-Be in bed by 10pm every night (resulting in better night's sleep)
-Walk/run for 30 minutes every day (resulting in better health and increased energy)
-Eat less desserts, eat more fruits and vegetables (resulting in better health and increased energy)
-Swim 1km every weekend (resulting in better health and increased energy)
-Learn something new every week, like a song, a technical fact, a new word (resulting in increased brain health and character development)
-Share what I've learned with others
-Develop a plan for reducing stress at work (resulting in a better life style)
-Do more of what I like because I like it and less of what I don't like but do just because others want me to do it (resulting in better life stlye)
-Journal daily (resulting in a log of my achievements, or "learning opportunities" and forcing me to be still each day)

That's about it for now. I'll do up a 2013 year in review sometime before mid February.

Relationship Musings

I've heard it said many times before, and I never thought I would be the one saying it, but it seems like everyone I know is getting married or having babies.

This holiday season alone many of my friends, family, and acquaintances have gotten engaged or had babies, or announced they are going to be having a baby. It's like it all happened out of the blue.

To any of my regular readers it's no surprise that I do not keep or create relationships very easily. I am an introvert and relationships seem to run against the grain of who I am, and yet I do crave companionship. I'm not talking about romantic relationships solely, but friendships in general. I am always amazed when I see new relationships form and grow and develop. Different lives combine and part and start over again like a dance. Most days I feel like I'm just a wall flower at that dance. It is a mystery to me. What I wanted to write about is a series of short thoughts on those mysteries I want to understand better. The following are a random collection of stories and thoughts that illustrate my understanding, or lack there of, and experiences with relationships.

Back in the day, at bible college, a friend of mine got engaged. About a quarter of the student body got engaged to another quarter of the student body. They don't call it bridal college for nothing. Anyway, my friend was sincere and his fiance was great. She was one of three females I hung out with at school and felt comfortable around. After school ended they travelled to each other's home cities and spent some time with each other's families. Normal stuff I suppose. A couple days after she left for home, my friend asked me my opinion of their relationship. As an INTJ (Myers-Briggs personality) or someone who hadn't learned to refine his social skills too much at that point, I told him what I thought without much filtering. I told him I didn't think they worked well together. I thought they were too intellectually different to have a meaningful discussion on anything of importance. He was smart, she wasn't. I told him I didn't think it would last. Ultimately he broke it off. He told me later he agreed with me. A decade later and he's still not married. She is, with two kids. I sometimes wonder if I may have cost him an opportunity that has not returned since.

I have a friend who seems to be with a different girl every couple months. I don't know how that's even possible. Of course I have a friend who seemed to be with a different guy every two months for almost 10 years and now she's married with a baby and another one on the way. I have a cousin who dated one girl in Junior High and High School and ended up marrying her. They've been together for 25 years, married for 20 and have a gaggle of kids.

I know a woman who was going out with a man. I don't know how the relationship began, I just know that one day, there it was. A couple months later it was gone. I don't know how that happened either. Shortly after the dissolution they both started expressing interest in different people. A couple months after that they were back together again as though nothing happened. I don't understand.

I rented a room to the boyfriend of a girl who was helping with youth group in the Spring. Six months later they were engaged, to other people, on the same day. I don't understand.

I know a guy who I've worked with for a couple years now who had everything I want. He's a guy who seemed to have an idyllic marriage and a couple kids. And he's crossed a line that could destroy his relationship with his family. That has really shocked me. It's probably the reason I started writing this post. I don't understand.

Stuck

I went to the Christmas party. I was one of the last to arrive. I was one of the first to leave. 400+ people. I just wanted to get out. I skipped the "cocktails". I arrived in time for the meal and left right before the dancing. I don't understand it. I don't understand why anyone would want to get up in front of people and dance. I think I have some weird phobia. The moment people started dancing I wanted to leave.

I feel stuck. I've always hated these kind of parties. My whole life. I've been trying to work on it. I've tried to like them. I've tried to like dancing. I've tried to learn to dance. And yet, every time I'm at one of these things I want to escape. I want to leave. I want to go home and read a book or watch a movie or play guitar. I feel broken. I feel stuck in an old pattern and, despite all my effort, I can't change it. It frustrates me to see all these people doing what I hate and having fun. Why do they get to have fun and I don't? It just makes me feel broken and alone. That's why I avoid these things in the first place. Something's not right, but I don't know what it is and I don't know how to fix it.

The Christmas Tree

Growing up, we had a tradition in our house. I don't know if my family ever thought it was a tradition, but we did it every year since I was 5 or 6. When it snowed enough that it felt like Christmas, Dad would bring up the old, wire framed, six foot tall, spindly, fake tree and we'd decorate it. Dad would put the lights on it but my brother and I got to do the rest. Mom would carefully unpack the glass ornaments. And someone would usually break at least one of them.

Shortly after I turned 13 my grandma got sick. My mom was away for almost six weeks, off and on, caring for her mom, and dad was away working. A friend of the family watched my brother and I for that time. One day it snowed. And our parents weren't there. Our Christmas tree tradition was in danger of not happening that year. It didn't feel right to me. So, after school one day, I dragged the tree up from the basement. I had never assembled it before, but I had seen dad do it enough to figure it out. I put the tree together and my brother and I decorated it by ourselves. And it was Christmas time. That became a new tradition.

The following year, as Christmas started approaching, I knew we were getting close to tree time. One day after school, before mom and dad got home, I dragged the tree up from the basement again and my brother and I decorated it. It was a surprise for mom and dad. They got a ready made tree without any of the work. I'm not sure if they actually like decorating the tree or not. And every year after that, until we grew up, that was our tradition. My brother and I would decorate the tree when my parents were out and surprise them.

It's been many years since I've had a Christmas tree, real or fake. I bought 300 feet lights many years ago, just in case I ever had a tree to put them on. Well, tonight I bought a Christmas tree. It was everything I imagined a Christmas tree should be. I don't know if I'll incorporate this into a new tradition, but I do know that by tomorrow night it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

The Christmas Party

I feel like saying something tonight.

I'm not sure why. I'm tired. Peopled out. It's been a long week. Usually I don't choose to be around people in my spare time. I will make an effort for an event or something, but I rarely say to my self after a long day at work, "I want to hang out with..." It's more like I want to read up on some topics that interest me, watch AFV and go to bed. It's rare to come across a person I actually feel re-energized after being around. Don't take that as an insult. It's not you, it's me.

Tonight I felt like being with someone. No one in particular. But there's no one around. I started thinking about my next big "people" event. My company's Christmas party next weekend. I don't want to go. I'm kind of dreading it. There's a lot of people. Some are my direct employees. Some are my direct superiors. And the whole thing is a banquet and dance. I'd go for the banquet, but why do they have to dance? Why do I hate dances so much? Someone once told me if I knew how to dance maybe then I'd like dancing. That may be true. I don't know. I'm not there yet. Whatever. Either way, I don't want to go to this party. I have been to a few Christmas parties with C&C the last few years, but that took a lot of effort for me and I was usually glad when it was all over. They only remind me of how solitary I am and how I wish I wasn't this way.

I have skipped the last 7 company Christmas parties I have been invited to. I usually volunteered to work those nights. It was an easier excuse than saying, "I don't actually want to spend my free time hanging out with you." It was funny to me because my co-workers would usually thank me for being the sacrificial worker on their behalf so they could go to the party. In reality, I was glad they were going to the party so I could work and avoid the party. And yet, there's a piece of me that wishes I want to be there. There's a piece of me that wishes I could be like everyone else there.

And so tomorrow is the deadline to decide if I'm going or not. It's on a Saturday. There's no excuse left for me now. As management I'm expected to be there. It would look bad if my whole division is there and I'm not. Last year I had to endure our company website backed by a slide show of all the attendees' photos taken at the door. I heard the comments from everyone in our planning room about how much fun they all had, and how great all the pictures were. I had to listen to the slight insults of our IT student who was the only one who showed up without a "plus 1". Stereotypical techie.

I have 24 hours to decide. If I did what I felt like, I would not go. But I think part of being a man is not simply doing what I feel like, but doing what must be done, regardless of how I feel. I can't really say I must go to this party, but I know it's expected. I don't know what I'm going to end up doing. If I don't go I'm going to be asked by so many people why I won't be there. And my only answer, genuinely, is because I don't want to go. I wish I did.

Sing Like You Used To, Dance When You Want To

I've been missing music in my life lately.
Time to wake up from my slumber, open up my eyes.
I haven't touched my guitar in over a year.
I haven't really sat down and enjoyed music much lately.

I'm taking a little time out tonight to change that.

Done.

Discipline

Six years ago I decided to run a marathon. I had no experience long distance running and really didn't have any experience with physical activity for 10 years at that point. But I decided I was going to do it and that was that.

Every night I'd go to bed at 8pm and every morning I'd wake up at 4am. By 5am I was in the gym running on the treadmills. Fortunately, my work schedule allowed for the routine, but still, I had discipline. When I decided I was going to run this race I decided that I was going to do what ever it took to make it happen.

I can't say I've approached many other tasks in life with that same discipline as I did that marathon. I wish I did. I know I have the capacity to excel at almost everything I put my mind to. I think its time to think big again.

Next year I am going complete the Iron Man. I'm not exceptional. I'm just disciplined.

But that's not really thinking big. I've got bigger things in mind still. I need to be disciplined if they are ever going to happen. And confident. And committed. And maybe a little help from God too. But I can be disciplined in my prayer life as well.

I haven't been disciplined for quite some time. I think self control is part of being a man. I need to assert my self discipline. I'm still working on the whole "being a man" thing. I think this is part of it. Or the beginning of it. Good bye procrastination. Hello discipline.

God, Please help me.

The Drought Ends

I wrote in my journal last night.
The first time in 67 days.
Something happened last night that I felt compelled to record.
I still don't know if it was good or bad. Mostly a blur. I've relived it over and over again in my head a million times and I still don't know. It involves the area of my life I am weakest in. Think Sheldon Cooper on a date and you're in the ballpark.

I wish I could write more in this space but I don't know what to say except I don't understand social customs and don't pick up social cues easily. This creates a lot of frustration and confusion in my life. Friday night was very confusing for me.

And now I need to go pray and process what exactly just happened.

Proverbs XIX

There's a lesson in there somewhere.