Saturday, November 23, 2013

Stuck

I went to the Christmas party. I was one of the last to arrive. I was one of the first to leave. 400+ people. I just wanted to get out. I skipped the "cocktails". I arrived in time for the meal and left right before the dancing. I don't understand it. I don't understand why anyone would want to get up in front of people and dance. I think I have some weird phobia. The moment people started dancing I wanted to leave.

I feel stuck. I've always hated these kind of parties. My whole life. I've been trying to work on it. I've tried to like them. I've tried to like dancing. I've tried to learn to dance. And yet, every time I'm at one of these things I want to escape. I want to leave. I want to go home and read a book or watch a movie or play guitar. I feel broken. I feel stuck in an old pattern and, despite all my effort, I can't change it. It frustrates me to see all these people doing what I hate and having fun. Why do they get to have fun and I don't? It just makes me feel broken and alone. That's why I avoid these things in the first place. Something's not right, but I don't know what it is and I don't know how to fix it.

1 comment:

Mr. C.C. said...

Clinton, you are a fellow introvert such as myself. But, you are one to a degree that it's like you have social anxiety whenever you have to go in certain situations. It seems you are best in small social situations or familiar surroundings like church. Although, Curtis could probably diagnose it better than I could.

Maybe this thing you've noted that isn't right should be diagnosed by a professional. Maybe there is something underlying that you never knew was there. Take the first in fixing it.

Gooc luck. If you choose to get an opinion from a professional, than keep us posted.